Thank you, everyone, who replied to my former posting! I have read everyone's advice several times, and it really helped me relax and cool my jets.
I did leave my H a message to tell him I was sorry if I had given him the impression he was not invited for T'giving, but that I would also understand if he wanted to visit his brother in another state...(we had been playing phone tag for a couple of days.) He called back, and was obviously relieved to be clearly invited, and wants to come, and even help cook!
Some of the advice that really helped me was IMP's "positives" and attitude advice, as well as the advice to seek solutions, not put up walls. Also PL's advice to be a bridge to his kids.
I have read a lot on this forum, and I realize that my situation is not that extreme. However, it is really hard to get past reacting to feeling rejected, and to my H's warm/cold thing.
Here is the Q: (perhaps it is too vague!) How do I balance making invitations with not pursuing? I often feel like I am getting it wrong, even though I try not to call often, only with good reason, keep it short, etc. Maybe I need to learn how to let go of the yearning thing...
Another Q: How to balance having some dignity and self-respect, while feeling pathetic waiting for a man to decide if he wants me, after telling me that he doesn't love me enough to stay (his words).
Yes, I know this sounds like more attitude, but how do you folks do this!? I try to tell myself that he just said those ugly things because he was miserably unhappy, and felt cornered by me and the marriage counselor, but then I think: "OMG, it's true--he did move out!" and then I think that people's feelings change and feelings of love fluctuate, blah, blah. Yes, I am overthinking, but my mind is going at 100 miles an hour. Then, when I talk to or see my H I have to try to cultivate some serenity and calm.
It all feels kind of false--I am an honest and friendly person, but also sort of a compulsive communicator. This has worked (well, maybe not, considering what is happening now) for the 1st 29 years of my M, and our kids are awesome (if currently bummed). Now, I am supposed to "do a 180", but I can't figure out to what.
Obviously less communication from me is in order, but this recent misunderstanding about Thanksgiving was a result of my attempt to say less. I think my H has depended on me to weigh things out loud, and consult him about his opinion. When I didn't do that, I feel like it kind of blew up in our faces...
Sorry if my Q is to vague to answer, but if there is anyone out there who has pondered similar Qs, I would really appreciate your thoughts, or suggestions for other things I should read that address this sort of thing.
Before you get lambasted, try to keep your posts limited to one thread, it is far easier for us to keep track of you this way, and it doesn't clutter up the BB anymore than they already are.
Nice to met you, sorry your here, life isn't fair.
First question, At this point in time, Invite once and do not keep asking if he is going to come. Think of him like a co-worker. Unless you are the type to keep bugging a co-worker to attend a poker-party. In which case learn this lesson now. Inviting someone to do something once is ok, reminding once if they were wishy washy on the commitment is acceptable any more than that probably not a good idea. If he rejects an invitation, do things a few times without before extending another one.
Second question. You feel pathetic? Did this man make you the woman you are today? Or just a married woman? If this is MLC you aren't waiting for this particular turd-head personality to choose you, you are waiting for the guy you married to pull his head out of his butt and realize that you are still there. That's what you are doing by waiting. Not this 'new' guy, he is only temporary...no time limit on temporary. (provisio) Your dignity is something you had prior to him, as is your self respect, use this time to find it again, on your own.
How do you do this? I won't quit today, I more than likely will not quit tomorrow, but lets see what tomorrow brings. Rinse repeat on each new today.
Do not look far down the road, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, you get through it by pulling yourself along one mile post at a time, if you only look at the end goal, you'll quit out.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Do not look far down the road, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, you get through it by pulling yourself along one mile post at a time, if you only look at the end goal, you'll quit out.
_________________________
_________________________ Well ain't that the truth!!!!
None of us could ever have imagined that this would take so darn long....
I honestly thought that it would all be back to normal in a few months.
Boy was I wrong.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, you will get there!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Jack, Thank you for your reply. Also thanks for the BB tip--here is the first place I have ever posted anything.
I like the poker-party analogy, and I will remember it!
Your answer to the feeling pathetic question was also so right-on that I felt the tears well up (I don't cry much, and I always thought that "I don't scare easy!" Life is humbling.).
It is funny, Michelle's book spoke truth to me in many ways, but the funniest thing was that I HAD been feeling like I was dealing with an alien in my husband's body, and then she said it. I like your way of putting it, too! I will try to remember this guy is only temporary, and try not to spend too much time trying to peer too far down the road.
You have more safe havens than just here. Just remember that if you want to stand let your friends know your decision and ask that they support you in it rather than offer well meaning advice to the contrary.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
How do I balance making invitations with not pursuing?
You asked. He accepted. He was relieved. Perfect! As you get closer to the day, plan your meal and plan your division of labor. This was well done.
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How to balance having some dignity and self-respect, while feeling pathetic waiting for a man to decide if he wants me, after telling me that he doesn't love me enough to stay (his words).
29 years of marriage is not something you throw away. Carry yourself with dignity and self-respect and acknowledge that you are willing to accept that he is having difficulties. Again, look at the positive. It isn't pathetic to wait when your H shows many signs of wanting to be around you and his family.
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However, it is really hard to get past reacting to feeling rejected, and to my H's warm/cold thing.
He is over at least once a week and enjoying you. As he said, he needs to grow up, thus he is rejecting his old self. Again. Stay positive.
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sort of a compulsive communicator
Stick with the communicator. Ease up on the compulsive. You have identified what you consider to be a problem. Just keep trying to find that right balance. You can't change overnight.
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but this recent misunderstanding about Thanksgiving was a result of my attempt to say less.
Actually, I think the problem was that you overthought things, i.e. you are trying to detahc a bit, not be pathetic, would you be pursuing...yadda yadda.
Know what I would read. Something to take your mind off of all of this. And if you can't. Try this. There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Wayne Dyer. Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn.
Hang in there farmgirl. You are so pathetic and you are tryig to do the right thing. Your H shows interest and he recognizes he has some issues. I was out of the house once a couple years before the big bomb. I wish I recognize I had issues as your H does. The key, let it get fixed in its own time. That will give you the best chance for success.
Thanks, IMP, for the "well done" and the other feedback.
I am definitely going to read the Thich Nhat Hahn book.
I am also going to read something off this topic (I am starting to feel bored with my obsession with my M!) I just ordered Gary Taubes's new book about the science of diet, health, and weight.
Gradually, I am starting to accept that this could be a long haul. (Darn it!) However, despite my whining, I do recognize how lucky I am in many ways.
Here's another question for this board (I am afraid of the answer): For years, I had been feeling like I could not resign myself to living the rest of my life without dancing. Before he moved out, I invited my husband to take some dance lessons with me. His answer was one word, and it wasn't "yes". Anyway, to try to keep it short, I started taking Argentine Tango lessons. I have also been contra dancing. This is the fun thing in my life, now. I love that people are friendly, but primarily there to dance. (I highly recommend contra dancing, because people smile and dance and sweat, and do not have time to make conversation. Tango is the other end of the dancing spectrum--much more difficult, and people are friendly (an international crowd), but don't grin as much.) My 20-year-old daughter also loves to dance, so we are planning to go to a music festival when she is home for fall break from college, where we can "dance all weekend" (as the festival site proclaims.)
So, has anyone had experience with this way of experiencing joy, and does it have a positive or negative effect on DBing? (Please tell me it is ok. Actually, scratch that, I am looking for honesty, and personal experience. I feel like there is a lot of wisdom in the group, here.)
So, has anyone had experience with this way of experiencing joy, and does it have a positive or negative effect on DBing? (Please tell me it is ok. Actually, scratch that, I am looking for honesty, and personal experience. I feel like there is a lot of wisdom in the group, here.)
Thanks
This is exactly what DBing is about. You are enjoying life. You are enjoying being yourself. This is what attracts people to you. Someday, if not sooner, this will attract H to you. It probably already does but he isn't ready to let you know.
The irony of MLC is that it takes as long as it takes. So we can either sit around and mope until it is over or we can find ways to enjoy the time. I believe that if we find ways to enjoy the time and grow from this experience that when and if our MLCer does decide to come back we have a better chance of surviving the reconciliation process.
It is so refreshing to see new poster on this BB who is figuring things out so quickly. Keep up the good work. Have faith. Learn patience. You can do this.
ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
