Calling All Cats :)

[cat03]

You are a sweetheart!! , thanks for making my day, I wasn't ready to start my own thread but really wanted to vent, so, you asked for it :

Not doing well, seems T is just making my H angrier by the day, maybe he is letting out all he held in during all his life, but he can be so mean.
Whenever, and I mean, 99% of the time I dont' understand something he's said (something very simple, not R talk) he sighs a deep sigh and always gets disgusted. I cannot by any means say anything about how he is treating the kids, I'm blocked with a quick "that was my decision and my judgement" and that's it, he stops me cold.
I ask him to please, let's talk and agree about how we are rearing our kids but he is either in no mood or doesnt' want to talk. I asked him this morn what was my little d doing (I heard him say "no no" several times to her) he said he wans't going to tell me because I will prob put in my 2cents! I had to please ask him a few times to just let me know what she was up to, (this morning she was crying because she wouldnt' see me for the day and it broke my heart, she's never been so sad before I leave for work), she knew she was staying with her dad and told me she already knew they were not going to do anything the whole day (H watches grown up movies or does his things and hopes she will entertain herself pretty much all the time, she is 4)
To keep it light I talk about a game she plays, I didnt' hear one word from his reply and had to ask him 2x what he'd said, the 3rd time he actually screamed the word in my ear. I acted fine and told him he wouldnt' appreciate it if I treated him that way and he agreed, but after we hanged up I wanted to cry.

I sent him 2 TM and he hasn't answered, I told him how our communication is going down to heck and that I couldn't stand this anymore, his unwillingness to try to compromise/talk about the kids and about working on the way we talk to each other, that we need to go the MC. I already called MC, and even if he doesnt' come I'm going. He's accused me of having mood swings which killed me, you can accuse me of ANYthing but of that, made me extra mad because I know ow was the one who was cucko on that dept.

He has no consideration for my feelings at all, if he is mean or hurts me he doesn't appologize, believes appologies are useless or that I might want him to grovel or put him under my thumb so he won't admit to any wrong doing, last time he half @ssed covered himself with "well, I'm about to loose my job".

I've made my peace that he isnt' ready for R talk at all. I'm talking about just plain carrying on a conversation without him treating me like an idiot when I dont' understand one word or without him getting angry if I ask innocently about what he is doing with the kids.

I'm afraid that in the end I would have held up all my affection and love for so long --because he isnt' ready to take it -- that there wont' be much left when and if he is ready. See? that's why Im not posting, it is a very pesimistic view. I'm giving him time, I wonder what will the price be, for acting like a roomate for so long we could end up with such a gap that it will be hard to overcome.
We dont' hug, kiss, sleep together, no words of affirmation whatsoever from him, I try now and then to give him a peck on the cheek and he takes it, or a half hug. After our talk last week he told me he was still dealing with issues about himself, the op, etc and he wans't ready to share the bedroom w/me.
Yes, there are positives, he's more himself at times, jokes, smiles, looks forward to things we'lldo together... I'm just overwhelmed with the negatives for now.

So there, aren't you sorry you asked? he he . Just telling you all helps me not feel lonely, I'm not depressed nor despairing, but I'm not that thrilled either with my current sitch.