It has never occurred to H that there may be a problem with anything. Or if it has occurred to him then he hasn't told me. He would not consider himself to have any form of ED although he mentions that "sex has never been easy for me" and things of that nature. He has not had his testosterone level checked to my knowledge. I doubt that he would be too happy if I brought up the medical when we haven't been doing nor even talking about sex since last February and very little in the months before that. I feel a little confused about where to strart these discussions which is why I may need to involve a professional ST to help me say what needs to be said without doing a bunch of damage. KWIM? I mean maybe I need to just start the convo with - "Hey H do you realize that we haven't ML since last February and that you hardly ever touch me? Maybe you should see the doctor." (tongue in cheek but you can see the issue).
It has never occurred to H that there may be a problem with anything. Or if it has occurred to him then he hasn't told me. He would not consider himself to have any form of ED although he mentions that "sex has never been easy for me" and things of that nature. He has not had his testosterone level checked to my knowledge. I doubt that he would be too happy if I brought up the medical when we haven't been doing nor even talking about sex since last February and very little in the months before that. I feel a little confused about where to strart these discussions which is why I may need to involve a professional ST to help me say what needs to be said without doing a bunch of damage. KWIM? I mean maybe I need to just start the convo with - "Hey H do you realize that we haven't ML since last February and that you hardly ever touch me? Maybe you should see the doctor." (tongue in cheek but you can see the issue).
"Maybe you should see a doctor", might be viewed as a major 'attack' against him and his 'manhood'.. which would make your/his problems worse in that area, most likely.
What about if you just stick to the "you hardly ever touch me, why is that?" angle ? (although I think you'll probably just get the same old answers you've gotten before. Same behaviour == same response)
But if you put it this way, then if he opens up about feeling insecure about his ED type issues (even if he doesnt call them that), then I think there's more of an opening for you to suggest that he might talk to a doctor about it. Since that way, he has admitted that "he has a problem", rather than you telling him, "you have a problem".
It doesnt sound like you telling him "you have a problem", is going to get him to agree that he does.
PS: nice suggestions below from fearless, on a potential tactic to bring up the ST.
Last edited by Dom R; 10/10/0707:23 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I feel a little confused about where to start these discussions which is why I may need to involve a professional ST to help me say what needs to be said without doing a bunch of damage.
I think this is probably the wise thing to do. The only suggestion I would have is to mention the ST before you actually go or talk on the phone so that he does not feel like it's an ambush or anything. A simple "Hon, we really seem to struggle with connecting sexually and I would like to talk with a professional about it. I've scheduled an appointment with a ST next Thursday. I'd really like it if you could go with me." I wouldn't say anything that would make it seem as if you are blaming him. I think it's good timing for this.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
PS: telling him about you going to an ST, is a double-edged sword.
On the one hand, it shows that you are really concerned about this area, and this is important to you.
On the other hand, if he is really hostile to the idea of counsellors... then he will view every new thing you try, as " a "trick from that therapist to try to get more sex out of him."
If you know that he is hostile to the idea of counselling in general, then I would personally suggest just going yourself, and specifically NOT telling him, at least initially.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
K, I know you are in a tough spot. It seems so difficult to get around his avoidance, while making sure you're not taking the blame. The situation reminds me so much of my early marriage, although my H had more of a tendency to get angry/defensive rather than politely deflective.
I know your vacation is around the corner, and I hope you get a chance to relax and have some fun with H. Maybe one positive experience will help to break the ice and move in the right direction.
Did you get the tongue in cheek part? Of course I'm not gonna say that - implying that him not wanting me indicates "you must have something wrong with you" is silly and counterproductive. In fact it would be ludicrous to suggest that he may have ED issues when we haven't even ML in so long. I don't think it would hurt to rule out medical but I'm sure not hanging my hat on that.
He's not generally hostile to the idea of counseling except if he thinks he's already got an explanation for what is going on. I won't be mentioning the ST right away. I am considering a phone consult first although I may send her a "case hx" to read before we talk.
RJ,
Yeah - I hope so. I read back over some Schnarch and contrary to Dom's feeling that I may be "playing games" etc... I feel certain that I am not. I have reached a sort of critical mass with this issue where my own authenticity makes me unable to play the games I had been playing before. I can meet H on a level playing field but I cannot placate, strategize, prompt, assist and otherwise "fool" my H into having sex with me. It reminds me of when MJ said that she would no longer build her H a "wheelchair ramp to her p*ssy". He's an adult and so am I. It is time to face these issues and if I only act out of my own authenticity it is bound to press things. I have gotten to the point that I do want sex but I question whether I "want" my H. It is hard to want someone who doesn't chance anything, doesn't reveal anything, maintains their own bubble.
Sounds worse than it is. I haven't given up. Maybe this is the most hopeful I have been since I am no longer relying on some mystical feminine wiles nor H's sudden realizations nor constantly supplying his love language. I am still a good W, I am still friendly, I am still responsive etc... I plan to respond if H is interested in sex on vacation but how I respond will depend a whole lot on where I am in my head and heart at that time. Yesterday was H's bday and our day was crazy busy. I got him a nice card (not overly gushy) and made a lovely surf and turf dinner (crab cakes & filet mignon). We had already done gifts and extended family celebration last weekend.
Mostly on this vacation I plan to really enjoy my kids who are growing up so fast and I just cannot believe it. The oldest has his learners permit and his first job. The 10yo is going through puberty and is typically mercurial and really needs her Mom right now.
