You might not know it but I am D now and was just staying (mostly, although I have found myself psting a nit abotu my sitch) to see how some of you do , and you are the #1 person I was hoping would make it. Sorry, not much I think I can help you with. Your sitch is way tougher than mine, but just know some of us are rooting for you!
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Sorry about posting to your other thread. My e-mail is
rcolantuono@patmedia.net
My thread is under "I'm thinking of Leaving" under the stich "Winning the Control War With Love" which I haven't posted there since June. I am currently not winning. I read some of your posts and intend on reading alot more of it. You seem to have control that I do not have and have helped others. Babybliss and others recommended I read your stich.
I hope you can help me. I live in New Jersey and see you live in California. I would be willing to talk to you too, if you can find the time. Thank you
Just stopped by to say Hi. I've been in Iraq for about 3 months now. Nothing new in my sitch. I just hope that I have courage to face the whole think when I return in about 9 months.
AmyC has selflessly given to many many people on this board for a long, long time. Never asking for anything in return. Sometimes she ruffled feathers, more often she helped.
She needs help now. If Amy helped you, and you want to return the favor, E-mail me for a way you can help right now in a way that will benefit her.
AmyC has selflessly given to many many people on this board for a long, long time. Never asking for anything in return. Sometimes she ruffled feathers, more often she helped.
She needs help now. If Amy helped you, and you want to return the favor, E-mail me for a way you can help right now in a way that will benefit her.
I posted this on FIB's thread but it's really about me more than anything. So I thought I'd post it here. Part of 'growing and healing' is actually looking inside and figuring out what works and what doesn't.
So...
I know that MY only goals when talking with people on the board and advising them are this:
Help you gain the strength to go through whatever is thrown at you, and for you to build yourself up to where you no longer are 'reacting' to her/him, but instead are informed, and understanding while no longer playing the victim.
Make sure that you understand that you W/H is a damaged, hurting soul. Maybe mentally 'sick', maybe not. One thing for sure is that something inside is broken, and they do is because of this flaw. When you can internalize and believe this truth, you can let go of the guilt and anger and let them go.
If you hadn't married them, someone else would have. That someone else would be going through this, except they may have just said 'screw you' and gotten a vindictive divorce a long time ago.
You've stepped up to the plate and now are able to make sure that the kids don't have to go through what so many of us have in the bitter divorces.
My experience was this:
When I was 5, my parents divorced. My Dads mother hated my mother for dumping her son. She petitioned the courts for custody of me, back then claiming my mother was destitute and unable to care for me, and won.
Then she made it so miserable for my Mother to visit me that eventually she stopped coming. I never saw her again. Ever. After a while I didn't even remember what she looked like.
Whenever I would bring her up, ask about her, what was she like, etc, I was usually told she was 'trash', 'a whore', and other nice things.
How do you think it felt to be told that you are a child of 'a whore who is trash' who never comes to see you any more?
When I was 8 my Dad married a woman with several kids from previous marriages. Even though my Grandparents were my legal guardians, his W demanded that I live with my Dad and her and the other kids. It was great for a few years, but then his W somehow decided she was 'in love' with my dads cousin and they ran off for a weekend in NYC.
So 'ugly divorce #2' began. I think I was 10 years old.
My dad moved out and he and I stayed at my grandparents. One night he and I went over to the house and they got in a fight. The other kids weren't there, just him and me and her. He got crazy and in her defense she threw him through a wooden paneled glass door.
I was scared and she told me to go home and tell my grandparents what had happened. I didn't know what to say so I told them they 'had a fight' and she told me to go home. I never said he started abusing her and that he was out of control.
Her kids ended up in foster homes for a few months, and my half brother and half sister, who were maybe 4-5 years old, and I lived with my grandparents.
Eventually she got custody of the two youngest kids, and got her kids out of foster care. She also ended up with OM, and they are still together 35-40 years later.
Over the years, until I was 17 or so I didn't see my brother and sister very often. Sometimes I would 'sneak over' to their house and Dads XW was glad to see me, but cautious because she thought 'I might be spying on her' for my dad. I just missed having brothers and sisters since I was all alone at my Grandparents house.
So I got to be 'unwanted' not once, but twice in two failed marriages. I haven't talked to any of my step siblings, or half siblings in years. The last time, it was very clear they were all messed up and I didn't really have a desire to get involved in their problems. We never had a bond in any way over the years.
My Dad remarried when I was 17. A woman who was about 12 years older than me (8 years younger than him). She had no kids, and really didn't want to be the 'parent' of a teenage boy 'with issues'.
But, my Grandfather didn't want me to stay with him and my grandmother, not because he didn't like me but because he really felt that I needed to be away from my Grandmother, who had suffered a stroke years ago so she was partially crippled and was really mean to me. I was kind of like her emotional 'whipping boy' where she could take out her frustrations with her life.
'Stepmom' didn't hate me, they just didn't want me around. They weren't mean, they just ignored me. So I stayed away from home as much as possible.
When I graduated from high school I somehow got grants, loans and scholarships to college. My dad packed me up with everything I owned (not much) and drove me the 300 miles to the college dorms, dropped me off and left. I never went 'home' again. My Grandmother died that fall, my dad and his W had another kid and moved into a new house where there was no 'room' for m.
I've lived pretty much all my life as an 'only child', and an unwanted one at that.
So, I'll say that whether anyones marriage is 'busted' or not, I always say and do the things I do because I want the person I'm posting to on the board to do whatever they can to make sure that, no matter what, their wife or husband, and their in-laws, aren't able to do to their kids what was done to me. And to millions of other kids.
If ONE of the parties can stay sane, and make rational decisions, then there's hope.
I'll never heal. I still feel these things like they were yesterday. I just feel them less often. I'll be 49 years old in a couple weeks.
That's why I got down so hard on Jeff a while back about his anger at his XW. And every person I talk to on the phone I give the same advice: Let go of the anger because this isn't about you. It's about the kids, and your W's issues. You can let it become ugly, or you can choose to be the one who stops that from happening by not becoming part of the problem.
Everything you do in anger is felt by your kids. And they take it as a judgment on THEM.
Trust me on this one. I know what I'm taking about.
