Is it time to cut him off?

[NikB]

I don't think you're anywhere near dating, personally. Way too much work to do on getting settled and happy with yourself, first, and it only complicates things. Although I do think getting out and doing things with people (not necessarily one on one with men, but with women, or groups, etc.) might be good for you and create some mystery along the way.

Since you remind me so much of myself, and to Morgan's question of "What WON'T you put up with," I wanted to share some book recommendations with you. People here kept mentioning setting boundaries, enforcing them, and I finally realized I didn't even really understand what a boundary IS very well. It's mentioned in DR I believe but I still just wasn't "getting" it.

I'm currently reading one of these books and have skimmed the other two - and the entire time I kept feeling these "ah ha!" moments. I hope you'll decide to read them and if so I hope that's the case for you, as well. This separation is a perfect time to work on this because it's all about you.

Here they are - all by Anne Katherine:
1. Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day
2. Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin
3. When Misery is Company: End Self-Sabotage and Become Content

#1 and #2 I'd recommend FOR SURE, to anyone. #3 only if the summary seems to apply to you.

Here's more about them:

1. This one I'm reading now. Here's the Amazon summary:

With every encounter, we either demonstrate that we'll protect what we value or that we'll give ourselves away. Healthy boundaries preserve our integrity. Unlike defenses, which isolate us from our true selves and from those we love, boundaries filter out harm.

This book provides the tools and insights needed to create boundaries so that we can allow time and energy for the things that matter -- and helps break down limiting defenses that stunt personal growth. <snip>

Using real-life examples, from self-sacrificing mothers to obsessive neat freaks, she offers specific advice on making choices that balance one's own needs with the needs of others.

Boundaries are the unseen structures that support healthy, productive lives. Where to Draw the Line shows readers how to strengthen them and hold them in place every day.

2. This one I have skimmed and plan to read it, getting through #1 and #3 first though. This is kind of the "bible" of Boundaries books from what I can tell.

Boundaries separate us from others physically and emotionally. In fact, they are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing healthy relationships. Yet every day, people's boundaries are violated by friends, family, or coworkers. Despite the importance of personal boundaries many people are unaware of how or when these very important lines are crossed.

3. Last but not least - this one's next on my reading list, but may or may not apply to you. I could tell from the description that it was good for me. I don't agree with the part about always expecting a setback, but I see that I often take actions that cause a setback when things are going well.

Book Description
Do you, or does someone you love, take comfort in misery? If achievement creates anxiety, if intimacy leads to fear, of if happiness produces uneasiness, you might be unwittingly making choices that keep you miserable. You might, in fact, be addicted to misery. Feeling too good for too long--or even feeling good at all--can be a frightening situation for those who believe that every joy must be equalized by a setback explains groundbreaking author and psychotherapist Anne Katherine. In this first-of-its-kind, fascinating, and prescriptive book, Katherine describes how many people guard against disappointment, fear, or shame by not allowing themselves to fully experience intimacy, success, or pleasure. Offering exercises, personal stories and gentle wisdom. Katherine empowers readers to climb out of their carefully calibrated misery and find new comfort in contentment.

I really hope you'll read these, especially #1 and/or #2... I think they'll be so helpful for you.