Dom R, may I say something that really has nothing to do with the ED debate? While I often disagree with you your posts are ususally well worth considering, even if I end up still disagreeing. However, out of all the posters both your posting style and the "attitude" that comes accross irritate me more than anyone else's on this entire board. I disagree with quite a few other posters on a regular basis (Cobra for example) but he doesn't irritate me nearly as much.
In your case, even reading your most harmless posts I have to consciously bring down my blood pressure and avoid a reflexive "this must be wrong just because Dom R posted it". Intellectually I know that's not true and that your position may well have merit. The reflex is still there. I know nothing about your sitch so I don't know if this has been an issue in your marriage, but in case it has been I wanted to throw it out there for your consideration. You "seem" rigid and controlling to me, and you trigger my "hiss fight and scratch" cat reflexes, even though you may not be that way at all.
If this has never been a problem in your marriage and is just about "me" feel free to disregard it. After all, "we" are not married. Probably good for the china in your house. *g*
Interesting that you post this SG because I was feeling a somewhat similar reaction. For me, when I read Dom's posts I feel like he is discounting anyone who disagrees with him and that he seems to imply that anyone who disagrees with him is completely off-base and misguided.
I went back to his early posts on the DB boards (only read a couple) and found this quote from him about his wife:
she said that I "always try to control her"; "treat her as inferior"; and so on.
From his posting here I understand how she could have felt that way. His arrogance combined with his forcefulness and habit of not reading to what has been written if it does not fit his theories could definitely give someone the impression that he finds them inferior.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Interestingly since solving the ED problem my H is more wiling to use other positions so maybe it is a bigger factor than you realise.
Another common factor was that my H was better with oral sex until he "lost" it during that and really that was like the kiss of death after that happened.
It is fine to say a responsible adult SHOULD be willing to satisy his wife in various ways but where ED is in play the REALITY can be very different.
Dom just because you have a penis does not mean that you know how it feels when it stops functioning or indeed how you would react. You may THINK you would be happy to satisy your wife in other ways but REALITY may well be different.
Good luck Karen hope things do improve for you!!!!
MoJo Also, many women report that the moment of greatest intimacy in sex for them is the moment of penetration rather than the moment of orgasm. Women like to be f*cked for reasons beyond being brought to orgasm and it's not just a simple matter of being validated for being desirable enough to cause an erection.
The moment of penetration is that good for some women? Gee I never knew that.
Being Validation and desirable, that makes sense just by it's self.
LiL no good natural stiffies for 17 years? I thought some of your internet dates could get it up.
That is a long time. I don't know what to say. ((((Lil)))).
From his posting here I understand how she could have felt that way. His arrogance combined with his forcefulness and habit of not reading to what has been written if it does not fit his theories could definitely give someone the impression that he finds them inferior.
Chiming in. I thought it was quite condescending that when I quoted GP he replied by referring to him as "my fling" as if the status of my relationship or really his view of the status of my relationship with GP has anything to do with the relevance of what he might have to say on a sexual issue.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
LiL no good natural stiffies for 17 years? I thought some of your internet dates could get it up.
Lou, interesting that you would assume I had sex with my internet dates! Why would you assume that? Goodness!
Most of them I only met once. There was one guy I corresponded with long enough and knew well enough to go to bed with, but he lived out of town and was still in love with both his ex-wives. He turned out to have MS-- my infallible instinct at work again. He turned into a pretty good friend, but that friendship faded after I met my bf.
Re penetration: I agree that that is the moment of greatest intimacy. I have a stronger O with no penetration, probably just because there is more room for contractions, but that moment when "it goes in" is indescribibly delicious.
I did read somewhere once that it is nomal for an erection to wax/wane at times during IC. When we were dating H said that the key to "keeping him in the game" is lots of movement. I have found that what helps him is tightening my PC muscles - usually will bring things around quickly. These fixes have led to an emphasis on IC rather than sexual frills. I must admit I do like both and I get stronger o's with penetration. However, I was trying to answer Dom's question as to whether I could figure out how to be fulfilled in a sexual R without much (maybe without any) penetration and I'm sure I could work that out.
Active, engaged partnership in the sexual arena is the only "must have". My H could diddle away for hours and I wouldn't come if I had to ask 10 times and he did it while watching a football game. The sexuality in our M just doesn't seem to be one where choices are presentrd - IC or oral? Not today, how about tomorrow? Instead it is only when some kind of magic occurs where H is feeling actively engaged with life, rested etc..then it doesn't seem that his erection is an issue. It also isn't an issue if we are trying to have a baby or if I am performing oral. I realize that all of this merely suggests the presence of psychological rather than physiological factors. Great.
Karen: yup, I would say that it more than "suggests" psychological". Seems to virtually prove it as almost completely psychological (other than the physical factors that come into play as a result of stress chemicals in the body).
That's why I've been so "enthusiastically" encouraging you, to pursuade him to alter his (and your) life to get rid of, or lower, the stress factors. I think that once you get rid of that, then "all" you have to deal with is the mental issues.
Unfortunately, given your mention about these issues way back when you were just dating... sounds like the mental issues are going to need some serious help, to ever be resolved.
(which is another reason why I've been suggesting more of a focus on how your needs arent getting met, rather than a "lets try to fix Karen's H, and THEN her needs will get met". 'cause that sounds like it would take a looooong time )
SouthernGirl: Thank you for posting that. I would be interested to hear (either here, or in a separate thread if you like), what specifically gives you that feeling about my posts. I like to think that in general, most of my posts are fairly open, and a "this is my opinion, others may have theirs" kinda thing.
I suspect that you may be reacting to maybe one or two posts of mine, and then the residual feelings from that, are giving you a negative bias over all the rest of my posts. Which then is a self-sustaining negative bias. If you are convinced someone is hostile, there is almost always something you can pick out to reinforce that viewpoint of someone, even if they arent. As you said yourself, "In your case, even reading your most harmless posts I have to consciously bring down my blood pressure and avoid a reflexive 'this must be wrong just because Dom R posted it'".
Yeah, I "push" some people sometimes. At the same time, I always try to give my reasons why I do that, and the majority of people I have "pushed" have said that they appreciated the nudge. With the exception of my kidding around a bit lately with my posts for Karen, I try to stay away from, "Do this because I say so". I usually try to stick to, "I think you need to do this because otherwise that might happen". And if the person says, "yeah, i've thought about that, and I know it's not an issue", I leave it alone. How does that qualify as "rigid and controlling"?
Last edited by Dom R; 10/10/0706:45 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
K, While the issues do sound psychological in origin, have you ruled out anything medical? Does he take any medications? Has he had his testosterone level checked?
It has never occurred to H that there may be a problem with anything. Or if it has occurred to him then he hasn't told me. He would not consider himself to have any form of ED although he mentions that "sex has never been easy for me" and things of that nature. He has not had his testosterone level checked to my knowledge. I doubt that he would be too happy if I brought up the medical when we haven't been doing nor even talking about sex since last February and very little in the months before that. I feel a little confused about where to strart these discussions which is why I may need to involve a professional ST to help me say what needs to be said without doing a bunch of damage. KWIM? I mean maybe I need to just start the convo with - "Hey H do you realize that we haven't ML since last February and that you hardly ever touch me? Maybe you should see the doctor." (tongue in cheek but you can see the issue).
He turned into a pretty good friend, but that friendship faded after I met my bf.