Thanks for stopping by lbl, Mandy, BM, Dave, cliffy, christa, Heim, Sunny, and GG!
Dave,
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Remember to keep expectations down. You need confidence in yourself and strenght right now. With your sitch the question should be do i want her back? not does she want to come back?
Thanks for the gut check -- definitely right on, as usual! Working on the initial comment all the time, and needing to consider the latter a little more often. Thanks again!
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Good post. You know, if you want to just write an entire post exulting in your W's failed R with her BF, go ahead.
I've got mixed emotions about it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't revel in this knowledge, but I feel guilty celebrating it. I want her to be happy, and it kind of pisses me off when I think about how BF could care less about helping her around the house, meeting her needs, his controlling ticks, etc. I hurt to think about W hurting, though it has been her own choice to place herself in such an R. She doesn't know that I know her R is failing, and thus I won't acknowledge it. If she decides to turn to me for a open ear and some empathy, I will be here. If not, that is her choice. I still think her pride will prevent her from coming to me for ANY kind of support. Again, she's not at rock bottom yet (though I believe she's getting closer).
I can also add that apparently it has been a month or more since they have even had sex, so things must be pretty bad. Again, it's hard not to be happy about this, but I can't let it raise my expectations. She may simply move on to the next guy and still want nothing to do with me. Also, I don't want her coming back simply to be rescued from her current R and/or because she is struggling financially. I want her to come back because she sees my changes are genuine, and therefore sees great potential in making a clean-slated new R. However, I would also like to see her acknowledge where SHE has failed in the M, and work on making her own changes too. I would love her to read the 5 LL and maybe even do some MC, but those are issues that certainly can't be addressed right now because they are not relevant.
I feel like I'm being cold by asking her to move the rest of her stuff out, take her name off of the car insurance and pay her own, etc, but I know it is necessary and that I'm totally justified. I just don't want her to resent me for it. I know it's nothing I can control, and I'm sure in time she will understand my need to do these things. Just a bummer, that's all.
Had a good day yesterday though -- one of those real "I'm detached and doing GREAT" days. The more of those I have, the more I know I'm getting closer to getting over this bump in the road.
Thanks again, Heim.
sunny,
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Great job in setting boundaries & keeping contact at a minimum, while staying friendly, helpful & happy.
Thanks -- I needed to hear that. I think this is good both for me and for my R with W. Much more healing can occur all around with these things in place, I believe, so it makes such choices easier because I know this.
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I also enjoy hearing that; "According to our mutual friend, W and her BF now pretty much HATE each other, yet are basically financially stuck with having to live together." Oh darn, it seemed like such a match!
Like I told Heim, it's difficult not to jump for joy when I hear these things, but I'm trying not to as much anymore because enjoying W's emotional pain and difficulty doesn't make me a very good H, no matter what our current R circumstances are. Such problems for her and her BF may be good for me, but then again they may not be. Only time will tell, and if I continue my changes and give her all the space and time she needs while simultaneously moving on with my own life, we may reconcile. Then again, we may not, but I will be the better for it and be healthy regardless.
Thanks!
GG,
I'll try to catch up on you and check in more often -- I usually don't stay much from the Newcomers thread though. Are you getting good support and advice over there? If not, start a thread here.
Thanks again, all! I appreciate the time and support!
