A new year Part XIV

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

Since most of our convo's have been about football and my CL I thought I would check in on what was really going on in your life.

My mom raised me from then on out and I have no idea how she did it all.

You stated this in a previous post SFA... a community. Use her teacher. Use her aunts and uncles. Use her sister to help make some positives. You cannot and should not do this by yourself.

My fear is that I will always wonder if I did it all right or not. It gets so damn hard when all of this is happening, you are in the middle of a custody battle, and your child is struggling.

This is where you need to stop and breathe. Ian, you can only do what you can do. By putting this much pressure on yourself you are not setting a good example for your D or son. They can smell it and will notice you struggling with your decisiveness.

I find myself wondering whether this is what is best for my D14, should I be forcing her to spend time with her mother. Am I truly protecting her by allowing her to not be with her mom? I do not want to screw this up, I do not do well with not having a clear answer and there is no clear answer here. What if I am wrong and Carrie is not as messed up as she appears? What if my D14 needs her mom even if she is a little self absorbed right now? I hate not knowing that I am 100% right in my decisions.

There is a point and time where we have to let go. We can see what is happening in front of us and somehow think that by taking a little control of the situation things will be better. In reality you don't know how they will turn out. Your D could resent you for making her see her mom. Her mom may resent you for not letting her see her. You are stuck. Do you let your D have her way? I don't know. If you do, then when she gets older she might resent the fact that you didn't make her go or she will resent you now.
Get out of your head and into your heart.... what is it saying?

Your D is 14.... I've heard that by that age the courts will listen to the child and what their preference is.

I told Swashy earlier that my biggest problem is that I do not accept anything less than perfection from myself and that is my struggle. Every time my D14 fails at something, I believe it is my fault. Everytime she misses an assignment, I failed. I have to let go some and accept that teenagers are not perfect and that some of these things are just going to happen and I must deal with them as they do.

Do you take your anger and disappointment out on her or on yourself? Do you ground yourself and take away privileges? You do need to let go soon. Take it from someone who did the opposite of what was told his entire life (and I still do...you know that) We can only lead. We cannot push.

In all honesty, I believe that my failings as a father for the last 2 or 3 years of my marriage is what is really messing me up. If I had been a better father then, maybe they wouldn't be struggling now.

Or (here comes Mr. what if) maybe you went through what you went through to get here today. Maybe you had to travel that road to be able to reach this destination of being a loving father. Isn't it better that it happened now that 5 more years down the road?

I have to find my footing, I have to accept that this is just the way that it is and do what needs to be done. I have to accept that there will be times when I am scared and will feel completely out of my element.

Ahh ACCEPTANCE= it is exactly the way it is supposed to be!!

Ian, you have a 14yo daughter. 14 man. Divorce/no divorce I hear they are hell. (no offense ladies) Realize that some of this would be happening no matter what kind of father you were, whether or not there is a D going on. It just is. You can only do what you can do. You know this. Now FEEL IT!!

Love you Ian.