Lets try thing again!!!!

[limbo]

One thing I can count on, when I feel my lowest I can come here and know that there will be someone here that wount let me fall to far down!!
Thank you all it means alot, and it does help, its so hard as you all know and i think to its coming up to the 1 year annv of the first bomb, and so of course my mind is going into replay I try not to, but its hard...I think of what the last year has been like and I just feel so worn and used.
So now I worry that this just wount work, I guess not so much because of him, but me....lately I just feel like I don't have any feelings, I know love is a decision, but I just don't feel anything for him, other then numb. And I worry that this is going to be a permanent thing.
I do continue to work on this, but sometimes its easier then others.
So thank you all for the boost when i so needed it!

[thegoodfight]

Have you truely forgiven him? Maybe it is time, and it will take a lot of time to get past the hurt! But you can do it! I know you can!

[limbo]

I thought I had, but maybe not as much as I thought, I want to forgive, but I still in away feel like I need to be apologized to...and I am not sure if that ever will really happen.
I think at retro we are getting into this over the next couple of weeks, so I hope this will help to get us threw this.

[Sara]

Yes, that was the hardest part for us too. They did a section on forgiveness and we had homework to work on forgiveness. But we came back the next week without any change. This just stuck in our craws, both of us holding on to anger. Finally I contacted one of the presenting couples and asked for assistance. They suggested that we write our stories, as they had. She said that's when it clicked for her. Well, that sure did look like a lot of work, so I tried a different way.

We dialogued on forgiveness. Then after the discussion I pulled out the DB book and turned to the section on forgiveness. It was really good. So I had my H read it and we discussed some more. He promised to think about it. We haven't discussed it again. I just felt that the problem was gone after that. He started to act differently. Less careful about giving of himself. I think we did it, but who knows?

[limbo]

We did dialogue last night, which led to a talk, basically we were talking about traits that cause conflict.
H said its when I say nothing is wrong when it is, and for me its when I tell him how I feel, which he takes as a personal attack and clams up and it just sits there.
I said that I say nothing is wrong because I know what will happen if I tell him, so we are in this vicious circle.
We can't do either of these things anymore, because this is what has led us to this place, he said he understand, but worries he isn't strong enough to do this, I understand how this is hard for him and told him that, but said that I believed that if we could fix this, then we just could make this work because we will end up where we were before.
So in some ways it has made me think he is working up to being with her again, although he says he isn't with her now, but I am sure this will be the reason.

[sandi2]

I don't think you are going to get past this if your H is still working with the OW. I would have a terrible time with that situation. He is vulnerable to repeat the A--if he realizes it or not. If he has depression problems....that makes it worse. If he has an argument with you, then it will be tempting to turn to her again. Is there anyway that he can avoid working with her?

[Heartbroken]

Hello,

First of all let me get out my 2X4 and help you see that you are giving the OW way to much power over your lives - and you need to stop doing this or else it just sabatoges ALL your efforts.

I know I am guilty of it just as much and last week after I asked H AGAIN "is his hesitation about her" and he said NO. This turned on a light from me and let me let the OW go - we cannot worry about whatifs - you will cross that bridge if it happens again. We are much stronger from all of this and if my H does start it up with her again then I know I am done. But what if all the negative thoughts on our parts push our H's back to OW. They know the OW is not right - but if through our negative thought processes make it so hard to heal and reconnect they may just see OW as the easy way out.

They are struggling due to the guilt and disbelief of how low their character has gotten. My H says he's not sure right from wrong anymore - HE DOESN'T TRUST HIMSELF - so I am sure he thinks how is the wife going to EVER trust him again.

You need to slow down and watch those expectations - I see your last bomb was ONLY 3 months ago - it has not been that long for healing. My one year was August 9th and my H only came back (for good - or at least the last time) on July 1st and I consider us far - so far- from solving all this. We let our imaginations run with the negative side of things and we need to try and stop this. You seem to be back to pursuing and being clingy to your H - detach again for your sake. Tell yourself what is the worse thing to happen if H cannot fix himself/your R??? Face the fear! You will be fine either way - you have come so far and I know it is tiring - but we tire ourselves out too. We cannot fix our H's - only they can and again it will be on their timeline (like it has always been). Remember patience patience patience - this time if for baby steps. You need to see the positives more!!

I hope I have not overstepped my bounds - I need to follow my own advice!! We can help each other get through this!! I think of how far I have come since last August - at that point I had wished for cancer instead of H leaving me (I stupidly thought I could handle an illness way easier than H walking out on me). I now am in a much better place and I will be happy with or without my H. We deserved to be loved 100% - but our R deserves more time to help see if we can get there!!

Now pep up and do something for you!!

HB

[Sara]

Limbo,

You allow yourself too much negative self-talk. You convince yourself that you and he cannot be successful. You have to stop that. You are making progress, but it is only by baby steps that you come out of the hole that you have dug for the marriage. Keep at it. He is not with her. He is with you and he is working with you. Figure out a way to make the change he is asking for and keep going. Communication is the key. Keep the dialogues going.

[saffie]

Sara
You have mail.

Saffie

[limbo]

Thank you all for the 2x4's!! I really need them!

I just don't know whats wrong with me, what it is that I really want, H said that it seems like I am pushing him out the door, maybe I am, but why? Is it because I am trying to proctect myself, or is it because I want it done...I just don't know.

I am going to detach again, and just focus on me for awhile and see what that brings!

HB don't worry about what you say, as I know its said with love!!! and I want people to be honest with me! As the people here are the ones who do give it to you like it is! and I value that!