Down and out...need hope.

[sandi2]

Hi tostada, I'm Sandi2 and I have been reading some of your stitch. I was almost a WAW from 41+ years of M. I went through something like a MLC.....very late in life I might add, but thankfully it did not last as long as most I hear about. I give credit to this board and the great advice I was given when I first came here. If it had not been for that, I probably would have a very screwed up life right now.

I can identify with how your W wants the space from you. I can identify with her resentment of you trying to do all the things she had wanted you to do for years.....but now she feels it is too late and it is smothering her to death. To be very plain, she wants away from you! However, I don't think her leaving the house is a good idea. As long as the two of you can stay under the same roof.....I think the better chance you may have in working the M out. But, that C is poison to your R and you need to get rid of her immediately. I went to one and told her up front that I was into internet sex, etc. and she did not see anything wrong with that! She blamed everything on my H. That was a big clue for me to stay away from her.....and she is the most highly qualified C around here! Scary!

Anyway, my H told me if I left.....there would be no coming back...and I knew he meant every word of it. I could not support myself and I knew he would not help me, so I was pretty much forced to stay home or else move in with my mother, which I did not want to do. But, I did tell him to back off immediately or I would leave. He was doing all the things you have done and it was driving me crazy! The more he pressed me, the further away I wanted to get from him. He also snooped into my email, phone bills, dresser drawers, everything in the house that would give him clues as to what I was up to. I was so furious at him I almost hated him. Even though I was the one that was having an EA with a man over the internet, I felt as though my H had violated me by snooping! Crazy, I know, but that is how WAW's think. The thing is, it pushed me closer to the OM.

My H did give me space and we live in a very, very small house. But, this is what he did. He mostly watches TV at night and I would come to the back room where our computer is and I would stay on this board.....reading and posting until bedtime. This was my therapy. I ordered every book anyone suggested and I'm still reading when I go to bed. My H and I do not share the same bedroom.

At first, things were very strained between us but in time we began to lighten up and become more relaxed around each other. Of course, the first thing I had to do was make my decision to cut the OM out of my life and stay with my H. However, even after doing that, things were not automaticaly fixed. Not by a long shot! And I told my H that I would have to go through a grieving period to get over the OM, and believe it or not, he understood and has been very patient about it.

So now I am approaching my 3 month anniversary of no contact with OM. I can tell all the difference in the world in my emotional feelings about that. B/c it was only an EA where he was feeding my ego. But, it was like a drug that I had become addicted to and it was hard to let go of it.

I don't know your ages.....I think I missed that in the post. But it sounds like she may be going into MLC. She is missing the single life and wants to replay that. I only pray that it does not lead to meeting OM and leading to an A. All this social activites without you with her is like sending out signals that she is looking for something and is vulnerable to an EA if not a PA. I know you don't want to hear that, but you surely know in your heart that it is just a matter of time if she keeps this up.

My advice to you would be to stay under the same roof as long as possible. Once she is out on her own, she is going to really do things you won't be happy about. Plus, she may decide she really like that freedom and doesn't want to go back home again. I think you need to give her as much freedom from "you" as possible right now, and I know that scares you, but you've got to stay away from her and stop pressing her and trying to control her. My H tried to "force" me to stop contacting OM. He did some really silly things and treated me like a little child! Well, if a woman wants to contact OM, she will find ways of doing it and her H can't stop her. That's exactly what I did. So, don't try to control her.....she will rebell.

Stay busy with the kids and doing jobs around the house....inside or out. Doing things that would help her (like vacuuming the floors, putting on a load of clothes to wash, cleaning the kitchen, etc.) would be good.....but don't draw attention to it as if you want her to notice that you are doing it for her. The more you say, the worse it will cause her to act. She will notice, but at first she will resent it, b/c it is the thought process of the WAW that makes no sense to the LBH. If she asks why you are doing it, just tell her you want to do your share around the house and let it go at that.

She is very unhappy with her life and she is going through some thought process that you cannot understand. She is trying to figure out what she really wants and she thinks she knows but then she gets confused and feels guilty, etc. That is one reason you never know what to expect from her. She thought she had her plan all worked out in her mind. But then, she gets frustrated and her feelings get so messed up and she is angry, etc. Of course, you are too, but as others have warned you....to her, it is all about HER right now. All she can think about is how unhappy she is in this M. She feels trapped and she wants freedom. She can't even think about what is best for her children b/c of the "fog" she is in. She will try to convence herself that the kids will be fine, etc. and that you would be better off without her.......all WAW's think that way.

I think the more you could arrange to be away with the kids while she is home, the better......for right now. She is not going to be interested in family days together etc. for quite some time yet. So, spend time with the kids and plan to be away as much as possible while she is home. When that is not possible, then spend your time in another room in the house. Do as much as you can to help with the kids at night. When you are around her, be polite (not cold), upbeat, everything like the DR book tells you. Use that time alone in your bedroom to read that book over and over.

You must stop analizing everything she says and does or it will drive you crazy. You never thought about any of that stuff before. That is what is so crazy to us WAW's......the LBH never seem to listen or pay any attention to our needs until they thought they would loose us......then it is like they hang onto every word and move we make and analize it. You have to relax and stay cool. You must GAL and start improving yourself. Take care of yourself. All this other advice people have given you is great and I can't really add anymore to that.

If I can help you in any way, please feel free to stop by my thread on the SSM forum.

Sandi2