Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

I don't want to be overly dramatic, but I am very near the "breaking point"! I desperately need to hear from someone out there who has successfully reconciled after being divorced for a year or longer.

My WAW left more than 2 years ago. Our 18-year marriage ended in divorce in May 2006. I have been gradually spiraling out of control for months, but I'm now in a rapid nosedive.

This August, my 46-year-old XW decided to start dating again. My depression [technically, I have an "adjustment disorder"] began when I learned that she had posted her profile on Yahoo! Personals. She was overwhelmed with responses, so she discontinued the ad as of end of September. The most important criteria for her new mate was that he be a "Christian who conducted himself as a gentleman"; age 40-55 with a sense of humor, loves the outdoors, doesn't smoke or drink, and would treat her and our two kids with respect. (That's me to the letter!)

She has dated at least 6 men (that I know about), but seems particularly interested in a 56-year-old corporate attorney who lives about 100 miles away. I know she has spent at least a week with him, although she tried to hide it from her family and me--and especially our kids.

This behavior is so out of character for her! My reaction was emotional and critical. I made all the typical mistakes: bombarded her with accusatory emails and text messages, pointing out her hypocrisy and naivety. The guilt trip approach got me worse than nowhere. She had an "ex parte" temporary restraining order served on me for "harassing communications".

I'm seeing a psy-doc who has me on new AD meds, but after three weeks I'm not much improved. I can hardly bear this pain. For the sake of my 12 year-old son and 17 year-old daughter, I have to be strong. But I don't know how much longer I can hide the fact that I'm falling apart.

There's obviously much more to my story, including support for my belief that--despite the negative picture I drew of the situation--our marriage can be salvaged (with a lot of good advice from some like-minded optimists). But before I can muster the mental energy to document any details, I simply have to hear somebody tell me sincerely that it is possible.

Please don't bother responding if you have already determined that I need to "move on", "get a life", or have "more realistic goals". I already wasted $150 an hour to hear that from a psychotherapist who was only interested in teaching me "coping skills". (She was totally unfamiliar with the concept of divorce busting, and explained that both she and I were powerless to influence anyone else's [my XW] behavior.)

I'll decide when my situation is no longer worth the trouble to continue fighting for. But I don't see it happening without giving my best efforts first. I want to try the 3-session DB Coaching approach, as soon as I can get the $. I only wish I had known all the DB techniques two years ago.

Of course, I pray constantly. I already learned that we don't get to specify how God solves our problems--or when. I have switched from the "God, bring my wife back" prayer to the "God, your will be done--whatever that entails" version. I do have absolute faith that He will bring us a solution. I'm just not sure yet that it does not include the possibility of reconciliation.

Our kids support my stated wish of winning back the affections of my X. They're quite uncomfortable with the current situation, and want to live with me if my X decides to hook up with one of her new boyfriends. My daughter is already old enough to make that decision for herself. She is an angel, who--thanks to her strong Christian faith--seems to be dealing with the divorce as well as I could have hoped. But I'm very concerned about my son. He was such a smart, funny, happy-go-lucky boy until this summer. His A-B grades are now C-D. He has developed a smart-alec attitude that we haven't seen before. To me, it's obvious that he needs his Dad around full-time.

I think my XW realizes that the divorce has hurt the kids and me, but she won't acknowledge it. Unfortunately, she grew up in a very dysfunctional family, in which she suffered childhood sexual abuse at the hands of an older step-brother. Her own father and sister have been of no help. He has been in denial about my XW's emotional troubles (PTSD; chronic dysthymia) for years, and my sister-in-law helped convince my XW that I was to blame for her migraines and anxiety.)

I'll confess up front that, because I didn't know any better at the time, I have pretty much completely alienated my XW by quoting Scripture to point out the sin of her actions. Boy, was that stupid! I do believe that her behavior is sinful, but that message coming from me is counterproductive. (So, I'm a dreamer and a slow learner.)

I can't seem to find the right words to reach my X. I'm reading Divorce Remedy, but I hope it isn't too late. I sent her a long text message on 10/7 in which I apologized for everything I have said and done over the past two months. I acknowledged that I have only succeeded in pushing her further away from me. I concluded by assuring her that from this point forward, I would honor her desire to break off all further communications between us except to discuss the kids. I wrote that, just because she won't be hearing from me any longer did not mean that I had "gotten over" her or had stopped loving her. I told her that I would continue to think about her every day, but that I would leave her alone. (I couldn't resist a parting shot that I doubted that she would actually be 'alone' most of the time.)

I hope I haven't botched any possibility of ever reaching her again. Even if you believe that I screwed everything up, please find something encouraging to tell me. I don't know how I would react to a "just give her up and move on" message coming from members of this forum--which may be my last bastion of hope.