It isn't locked yet but knowing my long-winded self this update might do it! So I'm posting it in a new thread instead.
So first some over-due hi's and thank you's!
OT and ediemarie Thanks for weighing in on Retrouvaille. I will ask MC abut it if/when I see her again. H canceled his last appointment ("too busy") and has not rescheduled, so we don't have any set appointments. I may drop her a line just to get her opinion - but to be honest (more in a minute), I don't know if I really feel up to it either.
In any case I'm not pushing for the 10/13-10/14 one. I know I'm not in the right mind frame for it, and I am doubtful that H is. [and with my own current mindset, I don't really care if he is, either]
Ediemarie - glad that worked for your H. I'll keep it in mind if the time's right in the future.
OT - yes, if and when I bring it up it will probably be an ultimatem very similar to what you said.
ST Aw thank you. I don't know why I'm struggling so much with detaching again. I went from wallowing about it to pissed at myself about it and think I'm finally mad enough to do something.. Silly as it sounds I think the anger is what finally motivated me last time, and it's what'll motivate me again. I didn't STAY angry, but it's the kick start.
I do need to be more open about my uncertainty, I think. It wasn't fair to me that H never told me what was going on - it's also not fair to him for me not to share that, I think. If that makes sense. Not that it's about "fair" but that's the closest word I can think of.
Larry Thanks for the hugs! I think you're right, I can't continue like this for much longer. I am trying to get the focus back on me, but I'm not sure I can do it in the current situation.
jak Yup.. definitely need to work on that. I am allowing H's moods and reactions to me to impact me WAY too much, and I need to remember how to change that.
I haven't had my first IC appointment yet, but I've made the calls and gotten the paperwork rolling. It's so much easier when you're paying privately, but can't afford to do that for both MC and IC (especially as many appts as I expect I'll need with IC). So, trying to be patient.
Donna and cliffy Thanks for the hugs! And Donna thank you for the offer. I should be calling people more.. have been letting myself get too sad. I am putting your # into my phone this time so I don't lose it!
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As for an update... long story short I need to detach more, and quickly. As all of you know.
I have a lot of plans coming up just for me, including every Friday for the next 3 weeks. Fridays have been my/our "yuck" night so I am pretty happy to have 3 weeks in a row where I already know where I'll be, what I'll be doing, and knowing I'm taking care of me. By then maybe it'll become a habit eh?
And the long story...
Thinking back on the last few weeks there are a lot of positives, but I also have an overwhelming sense that I am being used and taken advantage of by H. Like "Well hey I'm here, that's all you need, now I'm free to do whatever I want." I swear I feel like I'm living with a teenager. The attitude is like "I was home by curfew, who cares if I was out doing drugs for the 3 hours before that?"
We've done a lot together which has been good and bad. Good in that I like spending the time together, but bad in that it makes me want more... and H isn't in a place to give it (or he's choosing not to, or whatever the case may be). He's cold and distant most of the time. I see him trying to smile at me and stuff, but it feels very fake. It's hard to explain. I feel like he's giving me just enough to keep me hanging on until he's all set up and fully ready to move on with someone else. (I realize I could be TOTALLY off on this, but it's how it feels).
First some of the good...
Two weekends ago we went out to this local music festival. It was a lot of fun!! And my favorite things that happened all night - we ran into a couple of the guys from the meetup group. The first one was the super hot one I mentioned from the other night. Niiice. We were on opposite sides of the street so didn't talk really, but I waved and said "Hi [his name], good to see you again!" He shot me this huge smile and said "Hi Nikki, you too!" H asked if he was a co-worker and I said "No we met at [place I went out to dinner w/the group] last week." Maybe should've been even more vague... but I did it kind of intentionally. H seems to think it's all women in these groups so now he knows for sure it's not (and even better, that some of the guys are quite cute!).
Then later, we ran into another guy - one who insists on asking me out continously even though I am a. not interested and b. married. He saw me and rushed over and hugged me - I hugged back (just normal friendly hug) and then introduced him to H. Both he and H looked rather taken aback... the guy halfway shook H's hand then practically ran the other way, it was really weird. He stayed within about 20 feet all night, and kept smiling at me but keeping his distance. Pretty funny.
Monday after that we went to Monterey for a race. It was fun but H was alternating between nice but distant, and downright rude. I decided "distant" is fine, maybe he's just not in the mood to talk and I did other things, but I started calling him on the "rude" and it helped. Just an example one time he was trying to fix something on the car and demanded that I go stand in a certain spot.. old me would've done it but been seething. Instead I said "Excuse me?? You don't talk to me like that. If you want me to help, you ask." [tone sounds funny here.. it was very matter of fact, and the 'you' was general as in I'd expect at least that much respect from ANYONE.] He apologized and was much more respectful after that.
Tuesday we did some touristy stuff with friends.. and that's when I started noticing that my H is sure "going to the bathroom" a lot lately. I had halfway noticed it a week or so ago but it became really obvious when our friends asked "Is your H sick? He's sure using the restroom a lot." Sooo.. I followed him one time, and figured out that he's using that as an excuse to go hang out and "text" for a few minutes.
Yes this is snooping, I know.. I later looked at the texts. I have no intent of doing this on a regular basis as it would just drive me insane, but I felt the need to know. Long story short he's got another EA going on for sure. Don't think it's a PA (yet, anyway). Most of their texting consists of her flirting with him and him complaining about being trapped, wanting to run away, and one that cracked me up where she's validating that I'm such a mean wife for getting pissed about him texting women in front of me.. you get the idea. (yes, I did insist awhile back that he stop texting in front of me.. I can't control him but I don't want to see it).
H some of the times sounds really pathetic and other times like an overly hormonal 15 year old... and all of the time sounds extremely immature. As for the girl, not that it matters all that much, I know she's a co-worker of his but I don't think I've met her. I think she's another one in the "just barely drinking age" crowd as I know she goes out partying with the guys every night.
A couple of days after that, out of nowhere, H asks me if I'm blocking him from getting to porn sites online. (???) I had downloaded some new anti-virus software that is apparently blocking some of the stuff he's trying to get to. I looked at it briefly to see what was going on and said it must be the anti-virus software. But still, just gross.
So my respect level for H has dropped to practically 0 at this point. Not good.
Which is why I have no more desire to go to Retro. or anything like it. If he initiates MC again I will go, but that's about the extent of effort I'm willing to put in right now.
(OT if you managed to get this far, I can practically see you going "FINALLY!!!")
The rest of the week was ok, just catching up on things and trying to get my head together. Which I apparently didn't do that well because I spent all day Saturday with H, his dad, and his dad's girlfriend on his dad's new boat. I probably shouldn't have put myself in that situation (all day with H, nowhere to "escape" if I neede to). Although it worked out pretty well. Didn't spend much time with H but his dad's GF and I had several good long talks about stuff. She is apparently fed up with H's dad, also.. so it was 'good' timing in a way. Fortunately the boat's big enough that we could be in separate areas and talk.
Pretty funny, after their latest fight I guess both of them happened to put profiles up on Match.com on the same day. She pulled up FIL as a "match" but for some reason, he didn't get her profile. They talked later (after making up) and figured out it was because even though he's 60 he was looking for "35 - 45" and she's "too old for him" at age 50. I found that interesting. H is regressing into a teenager at age 37.. his dad is apparently regressing into a 40 year old at age 60... sheesh.
Saturday was also our anniversary - I didn't mention it, and H didn't remember. His sister was over last night and mentioned it or I don't think he'd have even realized it happened.
Sunday I did a bunch of really physical yard work which felt great. H offered to help and then disappeared for a long time - I went to look for him and you guessed it, in the garage texting. He put his phone down quickly and said "Sorry, I shouldn't be doing that. I shouldn't be texting." I don't know if he meant in general or right then.. didn't ask, just went back to what I was doing. At first I was pissed about not having the help but then I got empowered and decided to look at it differently - if I'm going to live on my own (and especially if I'm going to buy H out of this house), it's important that *I* am able to take care of things. I worked HARD and proved to myself that I could - which felt great.
So that's what this week is about - not just "knowing" but proving to myself that I can and will make it on my own. Re-did the finances (again) today. It's a good reassurance for me.. every time I do it I realize that I will be ok financially, and that brings me some peace of mind. I can't afford to separate and continue to make part of the house payment, so if I do move out we will have to have some kind of financial agreement in place where I don't lose anything on the house equity... but once it's all said and done I would be fine. I could probably even afford a house all on my own. That felt good.
Tonight is bellydancing and more cleanup. We have one of those big trash pickup days Friday and my goal is to do some major decluttering before then! Tomorrow is the eye doc (ooh fun) and dinner out with some friends. Friday night is "girls night out" with my friend and one of the meetup groups. Sunday, a trip to the pumpkin patch and a carving party. Looking forward to it all!
Thanks everyone and kudos to anyone who read all this. I left out a ton of stuff and still wrote a mini-novel!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Wow...he does sound like an adolescent. "Mom, sorry I got caught doing what you said I shouldn't be doing!" btw, I KNOW that you can do whatever you need to, for you! You have already proven your strength to friends here on the boards; now you just have to believe it yourself.
I am sorry to hear how things have headed for you. I was hoping that thing would turn out better. You are strong enought to do what needs to be done I am sure.
You sound like you are getting stronger every day. Good for you. Sorry to hear that H has regressed and still is in the midst it sounds of MLC.
My H it seems is still having trouble connecting to me (read my thread) but i do know he is trying. (at least it seems he is) I am detaching more again. I find it funny that the minute i start detach and distance my self from his crap he comes running trying to keep me close.
I have went over my finances with a Lawyer and i do knowe i will be ok too on my own if it came down to a D. I can't afford to live on my own unless that happened and we liqidated our assets.
if H wants a seperation he can go down the road and live with his Parents. He says he doesn't though.
JAk
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
totally agree with jak on the mlc. Just remember, that although your H is doing all these things and it feels it's all against you, it's not ALL him. I mean, to say, that with depression, or mlc, they are placing the blame on you, and with all the emotional fog they are going thru, they really aren't themselves. Some day sooner or later, your H is gonna wake up and he's going to feel bad, and very likely regret what he did to you.
I know it happened to my dad.
I'm really sorry how far he's been pulled back. He's got a lot of learning to do for himself.
I'm very glad you stood up for yourself in the garage. and it obviously worked for you too.
I know you know that taking care of yourself, pma, galing and all that is what you need to do. But I stress it even more because whether or not it brings your H back, it will build you up, and strengthen you for whatever may happen in the future.
sooo cool about the guys you ran into in front of H!!!! that is such awesome timing. it's good for him to see that he has a great girl slipping thru his fingers that many other men would die to have!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Nikki, you are still very strong and it is great to see considering we don't spend much time commiserating any more. I am glad you have come to the realizations you have and set the boundaries with H that he acts like a teenager. He will grow up again, but do you have the time? Sure wish I would run into an add like you found, but the way W has been acting lately, I am just going with the flow, which all leads to S, but no rush. (((nikki)))
It's funny, I expected some 2x4s... but realized after re-reading my post I kinda gave 'em to myself already, and have acted on them. Good sign, right?
Hopefully I didn't give the impression I'm giving up hope. I'm not, I'm just done working on it. If it happens, it happens.. if not, now's my time to prove I'll be ok either way. But I'm done putting more effort into it than H is. It's kind of freeing... I felt so much more relaxed since I came to that decision and really FELT it.
jak Funny how that works, isn't it? And from what OT says if you just STAY detached instead of falling into that enmeshment, the R/M is even better. I have a hard time even picturing what that looks like, but I sure hope she's right. It's comforting to realize you can at least be ok on your own (financially and otherwise) isn't it?
ST ha, yeah, I don't think I could've asked for better timing on running into those guys! Totally funny.
Thanks for the reminder that it's not all me, or maybe not me at all... people keep telling me that (including FIL's girlfriend who got pissed at me for taking ANY blame in the sitch). I do feel I have some blame but yeah, there's a lot more going on.
Cliffy Aw thank you. I was thinking that, I'm glad we're all moving forward but miss some of my "commisserating buddies." Will he grow up? Maybe... his dad's 60 and apparently hasn't... so who knows.
Yeah wish you would run into an ad like that, as well! Although only when you're ready.
For "fun" today (is that an odd way to put it?) I read through the homes for sale locally.. found a couple that I really liked. Will I buy them? No... but it was comforting in a weird way to see them, know I could afford them post-D, and think "Wow that's nice, and it could be MY house!" I even found one that was horse property... wasn't realistic due to the house being a wreck, but it was just somehow cool to see it.
Tonight I went out with the women's support group and had a really good time. I was in a pretty pissy, anti-H (and anti-men in general) mood. It's something I had worried about with this group that it could turn into a bunch of man-bashing... and it was interesting, they really turned it around on me. Sympathized but challenged me to look at it from different angles. Helped me keep some perspective and some sympathy/empathy for H. It didn't really change my opinions on anything - I'm still letting go and seeing what happens at this point. But it helped me to detach while still seeing the other side, I guess you could say... and it made me feel understood without being coddled, so I appreciated that.
Feeling better than I have in quite some time, and just trying to enjoy it and keep it going.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Bad talk tonight (or well, inevitable maybe, but bad from a DB perspective).
Finally talked about the "elephant in the room" and basically...
H: I told you this a year ago, can't believe it's another year. I don't love you, I never have. I care about you and always have. But I'm not in love.
Me: I understand. I feel like love is a choice, one thing I've learned this past year. If I choose to love you, I do. This last week honestly, I've chosen not to.
H: I feel that. But it's not a switch.
Me: It's weird to see it as a choice but I think it's so true.
H: It's not a choice (loooong silence and finally...) I care about you, but I don't love you, I never have.
More talk about where we are and H says "we wouldn't be here if I was true to myself, I was just too passive."
.... soooo much back and forth. Mistakes on all sides but especially me asking what's wrong with ME, is it ME making him unhappy?? No... but if he found true love it might just fix it and make him happy.
Kinda a b!tch about the texting.. I said "Well it's gotta help all those young girls stroking your ego" - he shook his head no and said "No, there's no one waiting for me. I'll probably end up alone."
He went to bed saying thankfully there's no elephant roaming the hallays... meanwhile I can't sleep...
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
.. incidentally... this went on for at least 2 more hours so there's a lot I left out.. but hope I caught the pain points.
H was so "tired" and in pain the whole time that he could barely look up, he just kept telling me he hated talking but also hated the elephant in the room and that he hurts every day. Made me hurt too... I don't want anyone to hurt.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Silly as it sounds I think the anger is what finally motivated me last time, and it's what'll motivate me again. I didn't STAY angry, but it's the kick start.
H asked if he was a co-worker and I said "No we met at [place I went out to dinner w/the group] last week." Maybe should've been even more vague... but I did it kind of intentionally. H seems to think it's all women in these groups so now he knows for sure it's not (and even better, that some of the guys are quite cute!). 
