The X emailed me and said that she is stressed with work and kids, asked if I could help watch the girls with my XMIL while she goes out of town next week. I said sure because I want to make sure the girls are with a parent as much as possible, not tossed from one relative to another.
While doing homework, my girls told me that mommy doesn't help them because she is too busy. They have a homework sheet that has assignements each day of the week. I try to knock as much out as possible, remember I have a 5 and a 7 year old, they need help with their assignments.
I brought it up with X in a way that was positive. She asked if I could be in charge with homework because she was too busy. I said sure because I want my youngest to learn good homework skills, make it fun to do not a chore. So far with my girls, they love to do homeowrk.
I have returned to my old self letting stuff roll off my back, but I have to wonder if I'm just a convienance for X? I love to do anything with my girls and for my girls. If I don't help out with the X to cover for her, the girls suffer. They are schlepped from place to place, they become too tired to do homework,etc.
This just reminds me way too much like our M, walking on eggshells to keep the peace and make sure the girls are OK. I am not looking for anything in return, these are my girls and I love spending time with them, doing homework, cooking dinner, bath time,etc. I am just wondering if I'm on the road to being the sucker again? If I am just a doormat, so to say.
One of my problems throughout this 4 years has been my lack of defending my boundaries and then after a while, so much is built up that I'd lash out. So, I'm trying to change all this. For the most part, I am happy being the responsible one who takes care of the girls, while X does whatever she does. I just don't want to be used over and over, the girls need a mother. I had to scrammble today because X forgot to tell sitter to pick up the girls today. I played it cool and simply said I take care of the girls, pick them up, feed them, get them some exercise, do homework, bath them and tell them when they cry for mommy that there is a good reason why mommy isn't answering the phone calls we've made to say goodnight. I just feel like my girls are being robbed of a decent childhood.
It seems from me, to my XMIL, my parents and relatives, the X is plopping our girls where ever she can. It is sad and I thought the X was over this kind of treatment of the girls. She moved to a new townhome, closer to work so that she could spend more time with the girls. It hasn't changed a thing, it just makes it closer for me to get to their home.
Speaking of home OT, here is another tidbit for you. Over the summer, the X was looking for a new home to move into, closer to her work in DC. I was out jogging one day and saw that the closest home to my condo (which was 100yds away) was up for rent. It had a huge yard and home, the rent was $2,500 a month. The home was nice but old and was right on a 4 lane highway, not a home for kids. I simply filed it away in my head, something I noticed. Well, X was looking for homes to buy in the area, I mentioned that you couldn't buy a home in her part of town or mine for un $800k. She said she could find something.
She tells me one day that she put a deposit on the home that was for rent just 100yds away. I thought that was weird, but I quickly thought how deadly it might be that the girls would border a 4 lane highway and the path next to the house is heavily used day and night. Weird was the fact that she wanted to move so close. Hello? 100yds away? Do you see how I feel that I am constantly used by the X, she uses the kids and I just do whatever she needs for them.
X went as far as to tell my mom one day that she wanted to move next to me so that she and the girls could be close to me. My mom was stunned, mom is used to this kinda crazy behavior but this took the cake. Eventually, the homeowner rented to a group of young men who have turned it into a post college party house. Craziness avoided..........for the time being.
I am going to do a Costanza, you know, from Seinfeld? I am going to do opposite of what I used to do. After writing above, my take on all this is................I don't care if I'm used, all I know is that my girls will have the best I have to offer. I'd walk through hell for them, being a doormat isn't too bad.
I have the heart, the will and the shoulders to be Mother, Father and best friend to my girls. I also coach each of their soccer teams, take them camping, horse back riding, gymnastics, fishing, skiing, church, CCD,etc. I love the time with my girls and I'll just have the R I've always wanted with them.
REMEMBER, I am simply writing here to express my thoughts, ask for input and think about things. Most of the time I finish writing and see exactly what is going on, I have to sit back and view it all from the sidelines. I could care less what the X thinks, it is about what I think and my girls. I simply don't have the time, energy or want to guess what X is up to.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I think it is fabulous that your girls have you as their rock. You are a great daddy. They will be grown before you know it so savor every single moment you can.
~ Lurkerbabe
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
Thank you very much for your kind words. I know and you are right, these kids grow quickly. Every second I spend with them is a blessing. I cherish every time I am with them.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
"I simply don't have the time, energy or want to guess what X is up to."
... then stop wasting that energy .... Those posts above have the same energy/obsession invested in them with respect to XW as posts written years ago. Maybe this has to do with the Adderall? I think maybe you are getting locked into some hyperfocused states on unhelpful topics (i.e. Deb). BTW, I couldn't use my Adderall because of breastfeeding, but I got an ADD coach for the first time who was really great.
Anyway, an R with XW seems like it would be as bad for you now as ever before. I see NOTHING in anything you describe to suggest that she is looking to reconcile OR that you are in a frame of mind in which you could respect her as an equal partner. Hate to say it, but pretty much same old, same old. BUT, on the bright side, it sounds like it is mostly confined to here and not bringing you down in your life.
Start looking at yourself, quit worrying about XW's actions.
Try a book by Anne Katherine on Boundaries -- short read, very good.
Wow,you still think I'm stuck where I was 4 years ago? It might seem like it, but I don't agree. I come here to vent, wonder, ponder, check my emotions, rant and ask for help from all of you here. I let it all hand out here and sometimes, yes sometimes the tiny part of my heard wonders if maybe I should make an effort to see if X wants to mend our R. I have never made an effort since our D, though X has a couple of times. I simply spooked her as soon as she mentioned she wanted to see what could be made of our R.
I think the Adderall kicked in the anxiety and it took a week or so to work out. Like I said, it effected all parts of my life, not just my X.
I can see right through my X's BS. The only part where I could possibly go mad would be trying to understand her thoughts and motives for the way she leads her life. It is a losing sitch. and it is simply a dead end road. That is where it gets me sometimes.
As far as my frame of mind with regards to X, I am fine. I've gotten to be my regular self when it comes to the X. I was hurt for so long that it carried for quite a while. Our R over the last 2 years or so has been very good. We've had our spats, very minor. We both agreed this spring how nice it was to be parents and friends.
I can see from my posts this last few weeks that I have been my old self, but this was only a temporary state. I spent the last two weeks trying to make out all my feelings and what was happeneing between X and GF.
The thread is about not giving up on DBing after the D. I was gone for a while, but I have never stopped DBing. Maybe a little diluted because I have to read up a little more so I don't forget. I use DBing in everyday sitchs, work, kids, parents, GF, etc. DBing works in all parts of my life.
Everyone has their opinion and can post what is on their minds when it comes to my family and I. I am not bothered by your post OT, I just know how far I've come and beg to differ with your posts. Sure there is a wee little bit of hurt from the D, I just remain possitive and keep DBing.
Roberto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
No, no, no! I don't think you are where you are 4 years ago!!
Did you miss this bit? "BUT, on the bright side, it sounds like it is mostly confined to here and not bringing you down in your life."
You and I agree, you see. You wrote: "I can see from my posts this last few weeks that I have been my old self"
That's all I was saying -- except that ALSO, no, you aren't your old self, because this stuff is NOT taking over your life.
What I was trying to say, was: "B stop this part: 'The only part where I could possibly go mad would be trying to understand her thoughts and motives for the way she leads her life. It is a losing sitch. and it is simply a dead end road. That is where it gets me sometimes.' BUT, don't get too down on yourself, you aren't still chasing your tail in your "real" life."
You grok?
And, you are so right that DBing continues to be important in almost all Rs.
I understand what you are saying and I'm not getting down on myself. I see the fork in the road and I know where the cheese is and where it isn't.
I have seen where we have grown, the X and I. I also see the work that still needs to be done. I am not writing about getting back together with the X but I am talking about having a solid ground for us to have a healthy R.
Thanks OT for the reality check, it is exactly what I am looking for while writing here.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
"but I am talking about having a solid ground for us to have a healthy R."
Sounds good.
Funny, I've always read the title of this forum to be "D'd but not Done trying to win the WAS back." You read it as "D'd but not Done DBing in my life."
Your interpretation puts a very different forward-moving spin on this forum. Rather than it being a pit stop for people who just can't face Surviving the Big D and moving on with their lives, it instead makes it sound like a place for people who really have moved PAST all the D, XM, XWAS spouse and are looking forward to making DBing a tool that makes their future Rs better in general.
Whether this forum was intended for that, I'd say a forum like that is definitely needed around here There is life beyond "Surviving the big D" which after a certain point just keeps people stuck in constantly relating things to their past troubles, iykwim.
This forum is STILL about not done trying to win back WAS but if I can improve my life skills, it is a win, win sitch. I am past the hurt of my X, though it seems a few weeks ago I was tweaked by some heart strings that made me vulnerable. Hey, I'm human.
Sure, my dreams have always been that we get back together but one can only desire so long before you have to look at life and reality to figure out that I am alone in my thoughts. That is just fine, I no longer have grudges against X, she made decisions when she did for reasons only she knew why. I can only live my life and save myself.
Hmmmmm...........Now, what the hell got me in here again? I know it is very theraputic to write and see all my friends again but I don't know what happened to me. Something happened to me that I ran to the X. Maybe it was the GF, maybe it was a combination of things. I'll have to work this one out.
OT, I'm not stuck, I just tend to revisit old friends and places. I'm like an old spirit I guess. I think I have to look more towards the future and look back less.
Me
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
There is life beyond "Surviving the big D" which after a certain point just keeps people stuck in constantly relating things to their past troubles, iykwim.