Plank removed from my eye, too late for WAW? 6

[Heimlich]

The Sopranos really is a quite excellent show. Anyway, thanks for the feedback.

Nugget, I disagree with you on the A. My "marriage" is a piece of paper at this point. Let me be clear -- It. No. Longer. Exists. We can parse the semantics of is it an A or not, if I go on a date and it feels like cheating, it, obviously, would be too soon. I am a signature away from being legally separated from my W. I know you're writing out of concern for me, but that's my feeling on my R with my W. As OT keeps pointing out, I have no R with my W other than as friendly co-parents. I don't lean on her. She doesn't lean on me. We aren't even really friends at this point. Friendly, but like neighbors are friendly. I've written already that, if my W is seeing OM, I don't even know that I would call it an A because the M seems over. It hurts so damn much because he's an emotional leech who's had two A's with two married women in his office in almost identical situations and watching your W discard you for that sort of trash is hard to see. Is it an A if it's going on? yeah, technically.

Can I date and DB at the same time? I don't know. I guess that's why I'm posting this stuff up here.

I don't NEED a date to boost my ego/self esteem/how I feel about myself. I know I can be a bit all over when I post because a lot of times, I'm pretty emotional when I put stuff up here. But, for the most part, I know who I am. I like that person. I like myself. I like the changes I'm starting to make. I deserve better than my W gave me -- especially within the last 8 months (I deserved her emotional honesty and she didn't give it to me and she shut me out when I tried to connect with her). That said, would it feel good to have someone find me attractive for the first time in a year and a half -- um, yeah. Do I NEED that to feel good about myself. Nope.

Puddle,
Scary? Nah, exciting and terrifying at the same time -- is there a word for that?

The ever-elusive beast that is detachment. To me, and I've thought this before, detachment is like holding two contradictory thoughts in your head at once -- 1. i could reconcile with my W 2. I need to live my life like that's not going to happen. It's like you've got to put your love in bubble wrap or something so that you don't feel it as anything other than this presence somewhere inside of you. You can't act on it, You can't do anything with it. You check to see if it's still there now and again, but that's it.

Anyway, couple of other random thoughts for the day: would going on a date help me to detach? Would being with someone else (not necessarily physcially) make me feel "even" with my W should we ever get back together? I've never looked deeply at that second thought because it's an ugly one. Do I really feel that way and I've just been ignoring those feelings? I don't know.

Gotta sleep. Later and keep 'em coming.

Oh, yeah, final thought. Puddle, you misunderstood about "putting my life on hold. ON THIS FRONT" meaning a R, from light dating to OMG aren't we just so CUTE together! (tired, getting punchy, excuse the frivolous tone). I don't feel that my life is on hold. In fact, I feel that my life was on Pause since I found out about the affair and I've just hit play again about a month or two ago.

BD