Plank removed from my eye, too late for WAW? 6

[Puddle]

Hey Heim! How's your head?

I wasn't being rude, but wasn't leaping all over myself to talk to her.

This is good.

I paid attention and asked questions instead of just uh-huhing and 'faking interest' like I used to. Anyway, nice positive step, I thought.

Good for you.

WHo knows, maybe she was just in a good mood from getting laid by OM. Who can say.

No one, except W, of course. But the fact that it occurs to you says you're still thinking about it.

I thought for a second, then said effe it (similar to what CVA wrote about Nomo earlier, how did you act around other women - confident and flirtatious), so I said, "well, I could give you a kiss and give you my opinion." Got a head shake but a genuine laugh, so, not bad there.

I'm all for the flirting, a la CVA. I might have been a bit more subtle, though, if I were Heim.

Somewhere toward the end, she touched my arm. Hadn't done that in, oh, a few weeks.

This is lovely.

I touched her arm/side a few times toward the end as she was leaving.

I would've left it to her touching me, if I were you. She knows you're still there, still interested. But that's me.

Backing off.

It doesn't sound like it.

Have kind of a invitation from someone (of the female persuasion) to meet for drinks/coffee. Thinking seriously about it.

Holy moly, that's great for the PMA! Is this clearly a romantic interest (on her part)? I'll look forward to hearing what you decide.

Take care, Heim.

[Heimlich]

Originally Posted By: Heimlich
WHo knows, maybe she was just in a good mood from getting laid by OM. Who can say.


No one, except W, of course. But the fact that it occurs to you says you're still thinking about it.

Gallows humor here. Yeah, it pops into my mind now and then, but doesn't get my panties in a bunch like it did just last week.

Puddle, I'm not a natural flirt by ANY stretch of the imagination. That's kindof inline with the back and forth my W and I have had for the better part of 17 years though. Subtile. Yeah. What's that, again?

Yep, gotta stop the touching.

C'mon, Puddle, that IS backing off for me

Yeah, good for the PMA. Dunno, mulling it over. I want to and probably will. What harm can beer at a brewpub do? (No answers please, while not in Nomo's league, I've mulled over a lot of the things he's being chewing over regarding dating as well. I'm aware of the pros/cons.)

BD

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

Gallows humor here. Yeah, it pops into my mind now and then, but doesn't get my panties in a bunch like it did just last week.

Okay, I'll have to take your word for it.

Subtile. Yeah. What's that, again?

You know, it's when you don't joke with your W, who's been begging you for space and whom you've finally just begun to give it, about kissing her. Heim, I can just hear it from W: "He asked if he could kiss me!"

Yep, gotta stop the touching.

Can I get an amen?

C'mon, Puddle, that IS backing off for me

Great! And it may look like it to me, too. But to W, the only person who matters here? The person who's pantie drawer you recently raided? The person whom you asked, what, last week? about her plans re the OM? You don't need to back off like Heim, you need to back off like a WAS.

What harm can beer at a brewpub do?

Well, ...

(No answers please...

Shoot. Okay. Still looking forward to hearing what (and how) you decide.

Take care, Heim.

[Heimlich]

The kiss thing sounds way flat here, but didn't live. Anyway, yes, much less of that sort of thing. And, yeah, that's just kindof my sense of humor at times.

Regarding dating:
1. My W has made it clear since mid-April that she no longer wants to be married to me -- just under 6 months now.
2. My W is almost certainly seeing the once and future OM.
3. We are physically separated
4. We are financially separated
5. We are legally married, but this separation has no limits on it. It is a precursor to a D -- at my W's suggestion/insistence (see number 2 -- connection?).
6. I'm not looking for long-term R, nor telling anyone that I am. Just looking for a date -- a man and a woman going out and seeing if they enjoy each other's company. Then, if they do, doing so.
7. In all honesty, my ego could use a bit of a boost on this front.
8. It'll be fun.
9. I haven't been on a date in 17 years. What the hell does a date feel like these days?

Cons:
1. Still love W. Not as detached as I'd like to think I am.
2. I could meet and fall in love with someone wonderful before my W decides that she's made a mistake [is this even a con? How long do you put your life on hold on this front?]

Kelley, what pushed you into dating relatively quickly? (if you're still out there and not still riding your cowboy).

Anyway, these are just a few random thoughts, mostly me just thinking out loud, so to speak. Any comments welcome, but I reserve the right to have changed my mind on any of the above by the time you type somnething up

BD

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

Was I quick enough? Assuming you haven't changed your mind yet...

7. In all honesty, my ego could use a bit of a boost on this front.
8. It'll be fun.

Yes, your ego could certainly use the boost. And it might be fun.

9. I haven't been on a date in 17 years. What the hell does a date feel like these days?

Um, awkward? scary? like you're cheating? Let me know when you find out. I still can't even imagine it.

Not as detached as I'd like to think I am.

From here, it doesn't look like you're detached at all. Of course this is all relative, but you are a man who's professed his ongoing love for his W.

2. I could meet and fall in love with someone wonderful before my W decides that she's made a mistake [is this even a con? How long do you put your life on hold on this front?]

Everyone is different, I'm sure, but my guess is until you're ready to fall in love with someone else and kiss the W goodbye. And if anyone's not there, it's you.

I don't think you need to put your life on hold at all. To me, life is about many things, only one of which is an R. There's so much out there to do, so many things I want to learn and experience, and I can do all of those things by myself.

On the other hand, if someone appears and I'm ready to be totally done with the M, AND I'm content with where I am on my own, I wouldn't necessarily close the door "just in case."

Good luck, Heim.

[Nugget]

My POV on dating while you are still married. IT IS NOT CALLED DATING, IT IS CALLED AN AFFAIR!!! Or I may be wrong? Your wife may just me dating the OM and not having an affair?

You want to date. Get a divorce and move on wife you life. Then by all means date all you want. If you do not want a divorce and you are not ready to move on without your wife, then don't have an affair and DB your arse off. True 100% unadulterated DBing. No half assing it.

You do not need to date to boost your ego. You just need to work on your self esteem. An ego is what we use to replace our low self esteem. People with high self esteems do not have egos. They have pride and reassurance in their selves as an individual.

[SunnySeason]

Hi Heim,
I just wanted to drop in & say how I'm enjoying Puddle's quick responses to you.

Some of them I wasn't quick enough to post before she got there, & others I hadn't thought of.

Originally Posted By: Heimlich
Not as detached as I'd like to think I am.


From here, it doesn't look like you're detached at all. Of course this is all relative

That's kinda what it looks like from here too.

I don't think you need to put your life on hold at all. To me, life is about many things, only one of which is an R. There's so much out there to do, so many things I want to learn and experience, and I can do all of those things by myself.

Puddle is right about this I believe...plus, when you live as though you don't need someone else to complete you, it makes you all the more attractive to the people you want to attract (like your W for instance).

(((((Heim)))))

Sunny

[Heimlich]

The Sopranos really is a quite excellent show. Anyway, thanks for the feedback.

Nugget, I disagree with you on the A. My "marriage" is a piece of paper at this point. Let me be clear -- It. No. Longer. Exists. We can parse the semantics of is it an A or not, if I go on a date and it feels like cheating, it, obviously, would be too soon. I am a signature away from being legally separated from my W. I know you're writing out of concern for me, but that's my feeling on my R with my W. As OT keeps pointing out, I have no R with my W other than as friendly co-parents. I don't lean on her. She doesn't lean on me. We aren't even really friends at this point. Friendly, but like neighbors are friendly. I've written already that, if my W is seeing OM, I don't even know that I would call it an A because the M seems over. It hurts so damn much because he's an emotional leech who's had two A's with two married women in his office in almost identical situations and watching your W discard you for that sort of trash is hard to see. Is it an A if it's going on? yeah, technically.

Can I date and DB at the same time? I don't know. I guess that's why I'm posting this stuff up here.

I don't NEED a date to boost my ego/self esteem/how I feel about myself. I know I can be a bit all over when I post because a lot of times, I'm pretty emotional when I put stuff up here. But, for the most part, I know who I am. I like that person. I like myself. I like the changes I'm starting to make. I deserve better than my W gave me -- especially within the last 8 months (I deserved her emotional honesty and she didn't give it to me and she shut me out when I tried to connect with her). That said, would it feel good to have someone find me attractive for the first time in a year and a half -- um, yeah. Do I NEED that to feel good about myself. Nope.

Puddle,
Scary? Nah, exciting and terrifying at the same time -- is there a word for that?

The ever-elusive beast that is detachment. To me, and I've thought this before, detachment is like holding two contradictory thoughts in your head at once -- 1. i could reconcile with my W 2. I need to live my life like that's not going to happen. It's like you've got to put your love in bubble wrap or something so that you don't feel it as anything other than this presence somewhere inside of you. You can't act on it, You can't do anything with it. You check to see if it's still there now and again, but that's it.

Anyway, couple of other random thoughts for the day: would going on a date help me to detach? Would being with someone else (not necessarily physcially) make me feel "even" with my W should we ever get back together? I've never looked deeply at that second thought because it's an ugly one. Do I really feel that way and I've just been ignoring those feelings? I don't know.

Gotta sleep. Later and keep 'em coming.

Oh, yeah, final thought. Puddle, you misunderstood about "putting my life on hold. ON THIS FRONT" meaning a R, from light dating to OMG aren't we just so CUTE together! (tired, getting punchy, excuse the frivolous tone). I don't feel that my life is on hold. In fact, I feel that my life was on Pause since I found out about the affair and I've just hit play again about a month or two ago.

BD

[Kelley]

Heim,
don't try and force any dates because that just won't work out. Just go out to some night clubs with friends and enjoy yourself. Maybe you will meet someone and maybe not but things just got to work out naturally. Even going out with friends and having a good time will help you to detach.

[Heimlich]

Thanks, Sunny. Yeah, Puddle had fingers of fury last night. I was feeling pretty close to detached when 1) I looked at the cell phone bill (which in turn led to the snooping) and 2) Casey started hiding from me when I picked them up. I feel myself leveling out again. I know it doesn't look it from my posts, but I do feel like I'm close to that again.

Kelley, never been much of a nightclub/bar guy, but do plan on going to a few happy hours at a few spots for a beer or two now and again. Try some new beers, shoot some pool.

BD