Is it time to cut him off?

[NikB]

Agent99 - I know I say this all the time but I just have to say it again.. I swear if I weren't typing this myself I'd think you were me.

While we were separated I was counting the days per week H stayed here, like it was some kind of score card... the more nights in a row, the better I thought things were going.

The tone of the voice, the almost taunting to see just how few scraps he can give you and you'll still be there. Sooo familiar to me.

That I better not pressure him or it will push him away. I said that I understood that he wasn't ready to come home and that was perfectly fine. However, if I was dating 'some guy' I would want to know that things were at least moving forward (to some degree), otherwise I don't need to waste my time.

This is tremendous pressure. Let's look at this another way - let's pretend you don't know H at all OTHER THAN the "dating" you've been doing so far. Would you suddenly come up to "some guy" and tell him "Look I know you're not ready to move in with me but I want to know things are moving forward, or I feel like I'm wasting my time." ??? I really doubt it.. if you did I bet you'd send him running. Instead you'd just take it as it comes and see if it FEELS like you are moving forward. If not, you'd probably break it off or give it more time. If so, well, you'd go with it, not talk about it all the time.

H "I hate living in that apartment. I don't know what it's like to live here, without you and be independent. I don't know what it's like to be totally broken up with you. That's why I said you might have to buy a house in Small Town; it might come to that. I don't know." -side note- Last week I had said "You're not going to make me buy a house in Small Town, are you?" and he said "I don't know what's gonna happen.Maybe.Who knows." -end side note- He continued by saying that we just bought 8 weeks worth of dance classes, so we should just take those and have a good time and see what happens.

And I hate to say it but he's right... he's living a different life but not the fantasy one he had envisioned where you just disappeared and he got to see what life's like without you (but with everything else). Doesn't mean you have to move and let him try it out, but just some food for thought. I got the same story except in my case H needed an apartment or place of his own rather than just a "room in a house." I have a feeling it just snowballs.. if they have an apartment they need a house, if they have a rental house they need a better house, if they have a better house they need to try the one they just left, or something. Sometimes I think it's a ploy to get back into the house, but more often than not I think it's chasing the fantasy that if only XYZ happens they will be happy and life will be perfect.

I'm not sure at all what the solution is there.. but just wanted to share that. You are right, he's setting it up as the reason for continued waffling in the future, he'll always have that "out."

I wish I knew what the solution was... still working that part out myself.