I am so glad that you contacted me. I don't know that I will be that much of a help, but I will certainly talk with you and listen to you. I can tell you what went on with me. It would probably be easier just to read my thread at the beginning. Maybe you alread have.
I read a few of your posts to get an idea of your stitch. I see where you keep talking about how angry your XW is.....still. That tells me she had allowed that to build for a long time before she finally left. Do you know what you did that would cause her to be that angry with you? Is it more in the form of resentment or just coming out as "hate" toward you? I don't believe that women keep feeling that way after the D for no reason. It sounds like she is in MLC from what you said in another post and it will just take time for her to come out of that. But my main concern is why she is holding on to this anger toward you. She has her freedom and she is openly seeing OM, so she should have what she wanted. Right? But.....she is apparently not happy! The clue here is that she is still talking about YOU to her brother! That means you are still on her mind. She is venting, etc., but you are still on her mind. You are on her mind in a negative way, but you are there none the less.
I truly believe that in time she will realize the grass is not greener on the other side and she will begin to come out of the fantasy. If she sees you a changed man......and she likes what she sees.....then there is much hope for you. So, that means that you need to work real hard in making life long changes in yourself.
A flag went up to me when I read where you held your little D when she was in a bad mood where before you would have yelled at her. That is a very positive step. I am wondering if you took your frustrations out on your family when you would go home from work. You said you drank too much. That also was a clue. So, I have to ask.......do you think you had abusive behavior toward your family? By that, I mean verbal, mental, or even physical. If you weren't abusive, then there must have been something to make your W this angry.
Ok, to kind of change the subject from that.......let's talk about what you are doing now. No contact to the W is most important. You said that you had "controlling" ways. You can't do that any more. You must let go. You must live and let live or it will drive you crazy. She is a free agent to do whatever she wants with whomever she wishes. The more you try to contact her, the more you are pushing her away. When there are children, it is very difficult not to have some sort of contact....but it can be very limited and kept on a business level. The best thing you can do at the moment is to keep away and out of her sight. She has to get over this anger and every time you make contact, regardless of what type of contact, the anger is going to be stirred up all over again.
For your own peace of mind, you must let go. I don't mean let go of the "hope" that some day the two of you can be together again, but I think it is going to take a lot of time. You must decide if it is worth it or not. If you know in your heart that you do have some abusive traits, I would like to encourage you to see a C to work through this for your sake. Then, when the time is right, you can either write a letter or talk in person to your XW. I'm not saying that you did abuse her or anyone else, please know that, ok? I am just trying to figure out why she has so much anger toward you. There has to be a big reason.
I know for myself that WAW usually have a lot of resentment that has built for years and years. Freedom becomes more important than just about anything else in life. They want to get away from the "problem". If she is in MLC then she is also trying to live in a fantasy world. It will finally come crashing down on her and she will start to get out of the "fog" that she is in. But, how much time it will take depends on the individual person and their stitch.
Have you read Michelle's book on DR? Even though you have gotten D, you can use valuable information from her book. GAL is most important. Taking care of yourself and making positive changes in your lifestyle.
I encourage you to keep coming here and reading and posting. It is what kept me from walking away from almost 42 years of M. People here are great! They will come to your rescue.
Let us hear from you b/c we care.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
