It really hurts when I see and know those two are together. I wish no ill will on OM, but I wish he would screw up somewhere so their perfect little R would shatter....sorry, was I sounding angry there?
Like I wrote earlier, the less I see of her, the better my PMA. My SD11 said to me today that W said I don't come around as much as I used to....and W wonders why? WTF?
I guess the killer is, all of the things I did wrong in my M on my end really had nothing to do with her. My issues. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, so naturally I corrected most of my issues...
Problem is, its too little, too late for W. I pray every day for hope that I will get over this. I always learn the hard way.....how do I get so lucky sometimes? She doesn't realize that I have made the necessary changes in me for me, that if we were to try again, things would be different.
Yes, I still love her deeply, unconditionally. I wish I could be in her shoes, or be an as*hole and not care...might make me feel better. All in all, I seem to have conquered most of my life to the point that most who know me wouldnt think I was the same person. Not that W seems to care, but when the newness of a new R is going, I guess that will happen....the true test will be six months or longer down the road...then I can see where I stand. If I haven't already moved on myself.
This is something I wanted to say to W, but probably never will,since it really wouldn't get me anywhere.
Damn it, Lisa...file for D..you obviously got your man you always wanted, so toss me away and have him. I really do wish you happiness, I am just being a little kid I guess about this anger card. You always said you fell in live with the man you married, not the man I became....what if I became better than that? Oh thats right....the reasons you fell in love with me are dead now, silly me.
You want to be good friends with me. How is that possible when I cringe at the sight of you two together? How can I move on knowing I possess these feelings for you, real feelings? Oh, silly me again...you think I quit loving you a long time ago, when it just me in a depression about my issues and not communicating them...man, I need an Easy button...
I really hope none of this backfires on you...Im sorry it took this to understand what unconditional and true love feels like...and now Im even more sorry I can't turn it off for you...I feel like Im the real loser here..
I try to make it a day at a time. I do some days, some I don't know how. But I can say it gets a little easier over time but its so slow its killing me. Fast Forward, where are you?
Sorry to ramble, board, I just had to get that off my chest and heart. That speech should make me feel better for a least the next couple days anyway.
God bless you guys and pray..miracles do happen...just maybe not the way we want them too. But one day...it all comes to light and we will understand.
