It's been over a year and a half since my wife & I had sex. We have been married over 22 years and have 3 kids S20, D16, D8. Neither one of us wants to break up the family but my wife tells me that she will stay with me as long as she has to but will never be intimate again. She says "I just don't feel it". I love my family very much but NEVER is a long time, for that matter a year and a half is a long time. Our marrisge is so on the rocks that I never mention it any more. One day she says she wants out and is looking for somewhere else to go but never does. I think she does not want to look like the bad guy so she is starving me out for all forms of affection in hopes I will move out and save face for her. The sexlife has never been great but good enough to honor a life long comitment I made a long time ago. I still love her very deeply but just don't know how long is long enough to keep waiting for things to get better. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Have you and your wife been to see a marriage counselor or sex therapist?
Do you (or did you) fight about sex? Would you say that in the past you have been sulky or distant, angry or bitter, and you would allow her to see that fully?
How was your sex life in the early part of your marriage?
For the first several years everything was great, when we started having kids are when things changed in that department snd then pretty much yes to all your questions. She seams now to have totally fallen out of love with me but has not taken any steps towards resolution in any way. We have both been going to MC which has really not helped all that much. I think she was just going to shut me up. I thought when she told me that "she cared for me very much and always would but just did not love me the way she should" that she would be filing for D or moving out soon. Well, she didn't. Still living together, still sleeping together and but it's been made clear that she does not want anything else to happen. It seems like she is on both sides of the fence with everything
I really don't think so. She has always been the type of person that did for others to make them happy no matter if was what she wanted to do or not. Now, it's just the opposite, she is all about herself. She is not happy unless she is hanging with friends. I know the beautiful, good hearted person is still in their somewhere, I'm just wondering it she will ever surface again. After she turn 40, I noticed some marked changes, and with each passing year, it seems like she is trying to get younger instead with the party lifestyle, the cloths etc. I believe she is depressed, going through MLC, possibly premenapausal, along with the low SD she has had for almost 20 years. I know it don't make for a good recipe for healthy marriage,but I still love her...
Of course you love her, but you have to understand that your wife is extremely vulnerable right now, and you being 'nice' about it could very well make matters worse.
There is nothing you can do if your wife decides to leave you. But that doesn't mean she gets to rule the M. You allowing her to do so is only going to push her away further.
No offense, but it sounds to me like you are more in the mental frame to do what it takes to 'hold your marriage together,' rather than be in a frame of mind to 'create the marriage you want.'
The latter would require some very serious 'leading,' on your part, an ability to rattle your wife's cage... run the risk of her leaving... losing the anger and resentment, and replacing them with solid boundaries... a bit of empathy, a bit of compassion.... and lots and lots of honesty.
A No More Mr. Nice Guy Attitude. Have you heard of that book? It's an awesome web site... click --> HERE to see if you can see yourself in there anywhere. If so, get the book. I know a lot of the guys on this board have read it, and it sounds to me like your wife has a lot of the tendencies as well...
For now, sex really is the least of your concerns. It is important, yes... but the lack of it is only a symptom of much more serious problems in your M.
A No More Mr. Nice Guy Attitude. Have you heard of that book? It's an awesome web site... click --> HERE to see if you can see yourself in there anywhere. If so, get the book. I know a lot of the guys on this board have read it, and it sounds to me like your wife has a lot of the tendencies as well...
I couldn't agree more. I want to say Corri recommended the book to me as well. I got it, and although I have not followed the book to a T, I have noticed some changes in our relationship for the better. If you haven't got the book, get it.
Corri, do you like the web-site? I didn't get too tied up in it, but alot of the message board stuff seemed like just a bunch of men getting together to shoot the sh!t about how bad-azzed and hard nosed they were. Maybe I'll check it out again, but that was my first impression.
I'm thinking there might be a parallel "nice girl" thing, at least to some extent. MrsGGB bends over backwards to make sure everyone else is happy, but at her own expense. Not a good thing.
IMC0807 a lot of the message board stuff seemed like just a bunch of men getting together to shoot the sh!t about how bad-azzed and hard-nosed they were.
I had a similar opinion, but if the guys do 25% of what they talk about, that is 15%-20% more than the 5% or 10% they did before reading the book.
Many of the books I read pointed out behaviors I was doing, that were detrimental to the R, so I stopped or cut way back. Some times learning what not to do is more important than doing something new.
GGB I'm thinking there might be a parallel "nice girl" thing, Ther is GGB. Maybe some of Mojo's cow persona ( a couple years ago) fits in here some place.
Yeah, I don't think that book is gender specific AT ALL. However, I think the Nice Guy syndrome is far more detrimental to a man than a woman. And honestly, I think women would find their way out of that 'Nice Gal' phase differently than a man would. Like Lou said, sometimes I think it is better for men to understand what NOT to do, than to learn something new.
Mrs. Nop was the person who found NMMNG and the site. I thought it was one of the best finds EVER from all the stuff we post here. Guess that's why I keep bringing it up. I'm not real high on the site itself, but I do think the Syndrome questions are good, and I think the book is great. I'd be curious to know of anyone who has gone to a workshop.
I think the men gripe like they do on the BB there because there aren't enough women there to calm the testosterone. JMO.
