My dad left when I was 13. My mom raised me from then on out and I have no idea how she did it all.
Even today when something bad happens my mom worries that she did not do a good enough job raising me. She worries that me not having the male influence in my life somehow left me without some of the instincts that I need.
My fear is that I will always wonder if I did it all right or not. It gets so damn hard when all of this is happening, you are in the middle of a custody battle, and your child is struggling.
I find myself wondering whether this is what is best for my D14, should I be forcing her to spend time with her mother. Am I truly protecting her by allowing her to not be with her mom? I do not want to screw this up, I do not do well with not having a clear answer and there is no clear answer here. What if I am wrong and Carrie is not as messed up as she appears? What if my D14 needs her mom even if she is a little self absorbed right now? I hate not knowing that I am 100% right in my decisions.
I told Swashy earlier that my biggest problem is that I do not accept anything less than perfection from myself and that is my struggle. Every time my D14 fails at something, I believe it is my fault. Everytime she misses an assignment, I failed. I have to let go some and accept that teenagers are not perfect and that some of these things are just going to happen and I must deal with them as they do.
In all honesty, I believe that my failings as a father for the last 2 or 3 years of my marriage is what is really messing me up. If I had been a better father then, maybe they wouldn't be struggling now. I know, you can't change the past, but you do have to reap what you sow. I was a terrible dad, and now I have to be a good dad and not fail my children, it is a scary proposition.
I appreciate all of the wonderful posts today, Figgy coming out of the woodwork, I am honored... Jersting, my friend, I have missed you and am glad to know you are ok.
I have to find my footing, I have to accept that this is just the way that it is and do what needs to be done. I have to accept that there will be times when I am scared and will feel completely out of my element.
Lissie bean, your email was amazing, and meant the world to me.
My children mean the world to me and I will do whatever it takes to make it up to them for my failings for so many years. They are my world and I will not let them down ever again.
