yep, we definitely do better via e-mail. not that any of this means anything, other than the fact that he still has no idea what he wants.
I had a great therapy session today. caught her up on what happened this weekend, as well as the e-mail exchange. I concluded with what everyone has told me for a long time now...stop focusing on him. I compared it to restoring a fresco that is half lost, or trying to do a puzzle when half the pieces are missing. you try to fill in what makes sense to you...either thru snooping, or deducing, making educated (or sort of educated) guesses as to what will complete the picture. but half the time I'm wrong, or slightly off, and even when I think I have a complete picture, its really only my guess as to what that picture is.
are you following me?
so I'm done trying to figure him out, trying to guess at our future or his motivations. done trying to figure out what he is doing with his life. because I don't have the whole picture and won't...I don't think he even has the answers at this point. so I am left with suppositions and guesses, which are dangerous things.
the only thing I can do is keep the focus on me. keep moving myself forward. work on my own sh$t. and if/when things come to a head with us, will face it then. I am armed, I am ready, if/when he starts throwing bombs at me, but I'm not going to hunker down in a bunker and wait for it.
my therapist and I spent a good deal of time on this stuff, since so much happened. but the last 20 minutes or so were about what I need to do now, where I want my therapy and my personal progress to go. and that, my friends, is where my concentration will be from now on.
yeah, I'll slip here and there. I know I will. but feel pretty determined right now...will try to hold steady and keep to the course I've set. since my metaphors are all over the place today, I'm going to end with the sailing one. winds will try to batter me and shift me from time to time, but I'm going to shift the sails each time, to keep me headed in the direction I choose.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
