This past weekend was okay. We had a birthday party for my son with the family and took our motorcycles out for a short ride on Sunday.
On Monday I asked her about something that had been bothering me. I mentioned in a previous post that she had refused to tell me the name of a person that she had had a P/EA with several years back. I brought this up again and she again did not want to tell me. I told her that I thought is was a particular person that she is currently friends with, but she denied it. Told her that I would go on believing that it was him unless she could tell me otherwise. I also said that unless she could be completely honest with me, then I couldn't see how we could continue working on things. Eventually she did give me the name of the person. Someone that she had worked with in a previous company. She swears that she only sees him occasionally at social events and that there is no longer any emotional attachment there. As a side note, I noticed that she wasn't wearing her rings today.
On Tuesday, W goes out to happy hour where this particular person we spoke of the previous night will be. She had planned on being home by 7 as I had also made plans to go out that night. She calls at 7 however and is still at the bar but on her way out. She gets home around 8. I go out to meet her and she is on her cell with someone. I left my phone at work, so she gives me hers to take out with me. I go to the bar with friends from work, and of course check to see who she was last talking to. Come to find out, it was the OG that we had discussed the night before.
I really don't think anything is going on there any longer, but it just gets my mind racing. Am I doing the right thing by trying to make things work? Can I get the trust back? Will things really get better?
Rest of the week was pretty much quite. She had the rings back on on Wednesday, but she seems more distant than ever.
Wow...goes out without her rings on and talks with OM. I would ask her why she needs to take her rings off when she goes off and why she still socializes with OM if nothng is still going on. You know this will not work if she continues this....she needs to choose you or OM and hitting the bars without rings.
How long can a person endure these emotional up and downs?? (I know... depends on the person)
I'm thinking back over the past few months. After the bomb, I put together a set of goals as recommended by others on this board. Most of them have already been achieved following my W's acknowledging that she wanted to work things out. Things seemed to move pretty quickly, and I really saw progress against my desired goals...
W puts her rings back on Our virtual separation ends Start dating each other monthly (dinner, movie, whatever) Weekly lunches W decides to work on our marriage. We make future plans together (e.g., a family or couples trip). W shows me some physical affection (hugs / kisses) W acknowledges there were some positives between us. W stops talking to OG We discuss differences/problems/issues in a healthy way We continue MC
Problem is, things seem to have really stalled for the past week or two. I think I know what the problem is... W is still mourning the loss of the OG and is hesitant / resistant to put effort into rebuilding us. How do I / we work to get past this point?? Because I thought we had moved into a rebuilding stage, I've been taking a bit of a courting approach with gifts of flowers, etc. Should I tone this down?? Should I back off??
This morning I climbed back into bed with W after my shower for a bit of a cuddle. She continues to be completely detached when I try to initiate some affection. I get out of bed and get ready. Before I leave, I go up to the bathroom to say goodbye. She gives a peck on the lips, have a nice day. Ask her if something is wrong and say that it feels as though things have been going backwards for the past week or so. She says that things haven’t moved forward very much, so there’s not too far they can go back. I tell her that I want to start actively working on making things better. She says she doesn’t know how to make things better yet. I suggest we start working through the Marriage Builders workbook. She starts talking about the feelings that she has (for OG) and doesn’t have (for me) and that she doesn’t want to talk about this before work. I walk out.
There is this paragraph (dont' have book in front of me) in "not just friends" that says something like : it is unfair to compair the sizziling quemistry of an A to the familiar leveled love of a 10yr marriage. Your wife might be searching for that magic faery that will bring her all those emotions one feels at the begining of a R, the kind of feelings you guys had when you were courting. The involved spouse doesnt' realize that, lets say, she would have a permanent R with OG their R would also evolve and the "magic" will end eventually. I wonder if that's the problem.
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W is still mourning the loss of the OG and is hesitant
Women have a much greater capability of rememberign things, I'm giving my H at least a few months to mostly get the ow out of his system (mostly), your W will need that much time too if not a bit longer. That doesn't mean she'll be uncabable of working on the M, but just so you'll know, it takes a long time. Start the Imago therapy this week, it could really help you guys.
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I really don't think anything is going on there any longer, but it just gets my mind racing. Am I doing the right thing by trying to make things work? Can I get the trust back? Will things really get better?
It still makes me unconfortable when my H has to stay overnight at his job, I know there is nothing going on anymore but the trust will take months to come back, I was able to trust my H again after the first bomb, I know eventually I will trust him more as the months go by, right now we are moving inch by inch, it is easy to despair but keep going, it is a long road but very worth it.
I think you are doing the right thing, you are keeping to your vows of being there for better and worse, right now you are in the "worse" part. I see so much promise in you two, keep courting her, don't over do it, just let her know you think of her with little tokens and give her time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
There is this paragraph (dont' have book in front of me) in "not just friends" that says something like : it is unfair to compair the sizziling quemistry of an A to the familiar leveled love of a 10yr marriage. Your wife might be searching for that magic faery that will bring her all those emotions one feels at the begining of a R, the kind of feelings you guys had when you were courting. The involved spouse doesnt' realize that, lets say, she would have a permanent R with OG their R would also evolve and the "magic" will end eventually. I wonder if that's the problem.
Yeah, I definitely read that part and it struck home with me. It seems so obvious from my perspective. We had these feelings when we were courting. We talked for hours on end about anything and everything. Things were new and fresh and there were a lot of stories to tell that the other hadn't heard yet. We were inseperable in the first months / years. And then life happens. Work, school, kids, house, chores. Of course things are going to look rosey when with a new person when there are no responsibilities. We've had dinners together recently where my perception was that the evening was wonderful and the conversation flowed easily. We discussed this in counseling and the W thought that the converstations were forced and awkward. I feel as though I'm being compared against impossible expectations. I don't have a problem talking with my W and really do enjoy it, but realistically there are going to be some comfortable or awkward silences (depending on your perspective) as the relationship matures. At what point will she realize that this is normal in a mature relationship?
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Women have a much greater capability of rememberign things, I'm giving my H at least a few months to mostly get the ow out of his system (mostly), your W will need that much time too if not a bit longer. That doesn't mean she'll be uncabable of working on the M, but just so you'll know, it takes a long time.
I need to just accept this and tighten my belt for the long haul.
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Start the Imago therapy this week, it could really help you guys.
The weekend is in November. I had bought a workbook that the Imago therapy is based on, but was going to return it since we will be doing the session. I think I may just keep it and see if she'll agree to work through the excercises with me.
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I know eventually I will trust him more as the months go by, right now we are moving inch by inch, it is easy to despair but keep going, it is a long road but very worth it.
Despair yes, but I will keep going... And I'm happy to hear that things are progressing well with you.
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I think you are doing the right thing, you are keeping to your vows of being there for better and worse, right now you are in the "worse" part. I see so much promise in you two, keep courting her, don't over do it, just let her know you think of her with little tokens and give her time.
I never thought the 'worse' would be this bad, but I am committed to doing everything I can to make this work.
It's been another week already. Not too much going on with the exception of an email exchange that occurred yesterday. We have been scheduling weekly lunches and I got an email from the W a couple of hours before we were supposed to meet. We did end up going to lunch. Here's the email exchange (W's initial text in red, my response in blue, her follow up in green)...
I think you may have misunderstood my comments the other morning in the bathroom. I thought you understood because you left in such a huff but then we spoke that night either you didn't understand or you put a different spin on it.
I don't think I misunderstood your comments. You said that you didn't know how to move forward, and yes, that upset me.
I had said to you that I still don't feel the things I should for you in order to move forward. That night you said that I said - I don't feel like things have moved forward at all. Then you listed all the "goals" you had put in your head - or wherever - and thought that we had met some of them so we were moving forward.
I understand that you still don't have the feelings for me that should be there in a healthy relationship. I understand that you still have feelings for OG. Admitting this to myself is extremely painful and makes me question everything.
What is everything?
I understand that it will take time for the feelings you have (or don't have) to change and for the pain you feel to fade. This can only happen if you have no contact with OG. You are not the only one having doubts at this point.
What are you doubting?
The point I was trying to get across was that we are in a better place today than where we were a month ago. I see that as moving forward. Baby steps, but yes moving forward. I'm not that naive and I don't expect miracles to happen overnight. I understand that this will be a long and sometimes painful process, but I am committed to putting in the time and effort to make it work. I know the end result can be a relationship that is better than what we had before and one that is fulfilling for both of us. To me, this is well worth the effort.
I don't really look at it as moving forward but more me trying to "get those feelings back", as you put it.
I'm more trying to find the feelings to begin with. I've told you that they haven't been there since the beginning. I have felt like I am pretending hoping they will happen. But now I'm tired of pretending.
Isn't you trying to "get those feelings back" a sign that you are trying to move things forward? I can understand that you're still not convinced that you're doing the right thing and I'm not expecting you to promise that everything will get better. I know this will take time, but I want to be proactive about fixing us. If we do nothing, the feelings won't change. If we do nothing, the relationship won't change. I want us to take the steps to help bring about this change. I know you don't know how to make things better, but there are roadmaps out there that we can follow to help guide us. I only ask that you commit to trying. I only ask that we start working on some of the programs that are available. I think that this will help us figure out what it was that was missing from the relationship or what the negative feelings were. I think this will give us the tools we need to help get those feelings back.
I hate to put this in an email, but when we are together, I typically don't have the energy to talk about it because I know it will get to be a long , emotionally draining conversation. I have to just bite the bullet and be honest with you.
I don't want our times spent together to be emotionally draining. Please don't avoid talking to me because you anticipate a relationship discussion. I look forward to our time alone together so that we can talk. I'm happy to talk just for the sake of talking.
I have to go into a meeting - sorry to drop the bomb and walk away, but I needed to get this off my chest.
happy to hear that