I asked my H to move out in April after a series of odd events that I still have not puzzle pieced together. Like most of you our imaginations could be our worst enemy but so can be denial. My H seemed to be experiencing a classic MLC and guilt from an ongoing affair. A few days after asking him for a divorce I regretted it and began divorce busting. There is nothing really unique about my sitch. It has been cliche except for one factor. My mother and my H ran a nightclub business together so I got all the torrid details of my H's behavior on a nightly basis. Today is the six month anniversary of the day I asked him for a divorce. I feel like time is up but I still have not filed. I have all the paperwork ready to go and I just cannot think of one miracle that will make me rebuild trust with such a deceitful man.
So The GOOD- I am healthy, in my home, with my kids every day and night. I have two part time jobs so my mortgage, health care, food and gas are covered even without child support.
The BAD- I feel like it is true that they come out of the FOG after six months. MY H is caling me a lot and finding excuses to see me and now he is acting as if. But I feel like it is too late for me now that I have moved on. I also believe he is addicted to his affair because it provides him a place to crash ( homeless), a sympathetic ear-(no one else sees him), and in a disgusting way- someone to take care of because he felt like an ineefectualparent before. These arethe BAD reasons why I cannot see me trusting him. His deceit is now reaching complusive levels.
The FUNNY- I think it is funny that I am owning my age more now. I feel proud of my accomplishments while my H has regressed into replay MLC and he dresses like a total 19 year old emo freak on the street. A grown man in a tight half shirt and painted on jeans with high heeled boots is pretty funny.
Last edited by mkultra; 10/09/0705:14 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Not really coming around, just being nice and friendly and acting as if again. Because I am dark I try never to see him. I arrange for the kids to be picked at my mom's and dropped off at my brother's. He always has some excuse that he prefers to meet at the mall or a coffee shop then he wants us to eat together or look at books together, etc.
I avoid him like the plague because, you know why Morgan!, because I cannot bare any more mini bombs.
I am getting ready to give up. I am still pro marriage and anti divorce. I know that having Mommy and Daddy and best friends and soul mates and future grandparents in love is the ideal and I know I will always love him. BUT I cannot trust him any more.
I have gone over the 50% edge. I am not 100% sure, maybe never will be. But I used to be 50/50.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
he dresses like a total 19 year old emo freak on the street. A grown man in a tight half shirt and painted on jeans with high heeled boots is pretty funny.
You have got to be kidding that must be the MLC from hell hes going through. One day hes going to look back and be so embarressed.
You have the right idea in my opinion. Do the best for you and leave it for him to prove to you someday that he is worthy of your attention.
I really think it is beyond him now to show contrition or remorse. If he actually did wee the reality I believe he may become suicidal, like my friend's BIL. Denial is actually a safer alternative for him right now and his affair is the heroine he needs to sustain his new lifestyle. Without the OW there would be no one left to support him. I gave up on him 4-6 weeks ago??
So why am I still DBing?
I actuallyDBed to two customers last night. They had newly divorced Dads written all over them. They looked so scared to be out there. They were around my age and looked like they just went to Macy's to buy hip clothes. So awkward. Turns out both men were recently divorced and are trying to date but are very sad about it. I told them to get DR and never to give up on their WAWs. They needed to hear it from a woman's perspective that they actually did not do everything they could to save their marriages. They let their egos get in the way.
The one Dad said he had not even thought of dating another woman and was scared after 17 years of marriage to even try. I felt so bad for him! I knew how he felt!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
mk, you are just about the sweetest person alive, putting yourself out there and talking to the people at the bar like you do. and omg, the description of those men in their new clothes trying to be and do what they most likely aren't ready to be and do. the day I decide I need to meet someone, btw, I'm afraid that will be me. lol. I like going out with friends and such right now, but there is no pressure, I'm not really putting myself out there...still kind of feel weird being out w/o my ring. naked, almost.
as for you and your situation, you know your own heart better than anyone. just make sure you are doing this because its right, because for you, this is what must be. you've fought a good fight...if you feel like its done, I won't argue with you, but just make sure you step back and really make sure you are done. what will divorce change for you?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Remember when I relayed the story of my friends parents? He had an affair, left the family, came back, now they are married 35 years? She says the jury is stil out. She does not know if she made the right decision. It's been over 30 years! This is just one of those things, I guess, but I think about this a lot, in the back of my mind.
There is no hurry. He took 6 months to come this far. Take your time to see what you want. You have been through so much. Isn't that funny how it works out? As soon as you are really done, he decides to look back. Go figure. We ARE so mammalian, aren't we?
I think it is awesome that you are taking your experience and helping others. It would be so easy for you to be bitter and say "down with the marriage thing".
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
that must be the MLC from hell hes going through.