Hey, Jak, and 25yrs. Things here are pretty much the same. H has been coming home each evening on time, and seeming to take more pleasure in home life, and being with son and me. He does act happier, most of the time, but still has these weird outbursts that seem totally out of proportion to the situation, like last Sunday, after church, I wanted to pick up one item from the store that was on the way home from church. It was something that our S wanted to go with lunch. My H went nuts about my not making a list and forgetting to put everything on the list and how when HE did the grocery shopping after our S was born, HE never forgot anything. And when we were out of something, I should put it on a list, and THAT'S the way it should be done!!! Then at home later when he told me to get all the clothes off the bed so he could take a nap, and I did, he said maybe he would take a nap later, and I said I thought he wanted me to clean off the bed so he could he got mad and said OKAY, I will take a nap, so I said never mind, I was just saying, and he came in and started in again about the freakin' grocery list, and how he did it so perfectly when he did it. I got upset, and told him there was no call for all that, and he said what? I said for the way he was acting, and it hurt my feelings, and he said maybe when he gave me 23 yrs of it like I did him, he would stop it. After his nap, he was in a better mood, and went out to check his BP. When he came back, I asked where he went, and he told me, and I said well why didn't he do it when we were on the way home from church, and he said I was being a smart a**. Well, he deserved it, in my opinion. I try to keep my sense of humor in spite of his being a butthead, but it's sometimes hard. So far, he has been decent since then. I do try to show him that I can be nice even if he's not.
He hasn't said anything to me about helping out his parents, but I know they mention it to him all the time.
He says he loves me, and will say ILY when I do, and occasionally will say it first. But, he won't say it after we ML. I don't know why.
So, jak, I read your thread, and I am sorry to see your H doesn't feel connected to you. I am reading a book called "When Love Dies, How to Save a Hopeless Marriage" by Judy Bodmer. It makes me think of how some of us seem to be feeling, since our H's have started acting this way. I think I emailed you a couple of days ago. I will hope to hear from you soon.
Hey 25yrs, I sure hope Alaska is being good to you and your family. I hope your BIL really enjoys seeing it up there. How is your D liking her new school? What about your D in college? How is she? Is she going to be able to come home for most of the holidays? How do the kids trick or treat up there? I guess it's tough, with critters wandering around. It's been a while since I emailed you, but now that your email is up and running again, I will email you again.
But, he won't say it after we ML. I don't know why. ================== HE says it! that's what counts. During our best times, after ML we'd just cuddle and caress, our way to say ILY I guess. Unless your H *always* said it in the past, I dont' see anything wrong with it, if you want him to say it then say it first instead of brooding why he isnt' saying it.
I hear you about the moodines and snappy outbursts, I almost want to blame that on beign an officer and the kind of impact it has on their lives. Did you ever get that "i love a cop" book? it has great insights about how the job changes people.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey, jak, I did read your posts, and I really hope today will be better for you. I do see a lot of positives in your sitch. And I don't know about you, but when I do go a little dark on him, he seeks me out to find out why. In some ways it's easier, and yet some ways it is so hard to be living in the same house with them, and seeing them so much, but I do thank God we are still living together, because I can be there to let him see how I react to all his buttheadedness (is that a word?), as well as when he is nice, so he can see that I won't go back to being the way he said I was before. Sometimes walking on eggshells isn't an altogether bad thing.
Our sitch seems to have improved somewhat lately. He isn't being nearly as mean as he was, and we are laughing and talking more, and he seems to be wanting to plan things for even the years after our S is out of H.S. He didn't do that before, because he was planning to leave by then. I really think, and shame on me for being a fool if he is being untruthful, that we may be turning a corner on our R. Please write more and tell me how you are doing, and I hope you did get my email this time. L
Hey, cattus, I hope you are doing okay today. I went back and read your post to others, as well as the update you posted somewhere, and my goodness do I know what you are talking about. The infernal meanness that your H can display to you and the snappish comments, I do wonder how much of it is related to their jobs. Especially during your H's probationary period. I know when my H, eleven years ago was in his probationary period, he was really stressed out, not knowing if some minor screwup would be all blown out of proportion. And he did stuff they never found out about, like accidentally cocking his weapon, and being afraid if he tried to uncock it, it would go off, so he drove out to the country to fire it. Very carefully. Or one time he left it on top of his car. Different stuff like that, that we laugh about now. I have shared all that nutty stuff with him, he can't turn to some ho, and say, hey remember when I did so and so? And then say oh wait that was VC. And who pinned his badge on him at his academy graduation? Me. I do think it's possible that alot of what your H is doing IS related to the stresses of his job. Did he show a difference of behavior and attitude shortly after entering the academy? They did a program one evening for the spouses of the academy recruits, and asked for a show of hands if you felt like they were showing a diference in their behavior since entering the academy, and quite a few of us raised our hands. I will definitely get the I Love a Cop book. Amazon.com will be hearing from me shortly.
You are right, when you put it that way about the ILY after ML, he will say it if I do. And we do cuddle alot now. Sometimes he will reach out for me in the night just to put his arm around me, that has just started hapening recently. And this morning, he said it is your anniversary, I will get my own breakfast, so you can sleep in a little. It is our 24th anniversary today. We are just going to cook out, and exchange small gifts, and today is also his birthday, how sneaky is that to pick his birthday to get married on? So, I got him a beautiful cake, which I hid at the IL's house, and I am trying to decide what to get him for a gift.
I really hope things are turning around for us now. The other day, he said something that hurt my eelings, and some days my emotions are very close to the surface, so my eyes teared up, and he asked what's wrong with your eyes? DUH!! I went into the bedroom, and he came in and said if he hurt my feelings, he was sorry, but he was a different person now, and was going to say what was on his mind, even if someone's feelings got hurt. Then we got into a little R talk, and I said I wanted him to never feel he needed to go outside our M again. He said nothing, but when he was leaving a little later, we hugged and kissed, and I asked him did you hear what I said earlier. He said what do you mean, and I said it again, and he said he wouldn't. I said as he was turning away to leave, and I want you to mean it. he turned back and asked, What, you don't think I meant it? I said yes, I do think you meant it. So, I guess that means something, doesn't it?
Well, I guess I will go get this day started, I am already falling behind on my day. Typical, having to rush around like this, to get it all done in half the time. Wish us luck on the anniversary celebration thing.
Did he show a difference of behavior and attitude shortly after entering the academy? ================== nah, he seemed the usual (whatever "usual" it was for us after the 1rst bomb. It wasnt' until now that he started behaving that way.
Congrats on the anniversary!!, how sweet enjoy your cake.
======= so my eyes teared up, and he asked what's wrong with your eyes? DUH!! ======================= jeez! that's my H, if I'm upset and quiet here goes the question"what's wrong w/u, are you mad?"
================= , but he was a different person now, and was going to say what was on his mind, even if someone's feelings got hurt. T ================= This hit home big time. His T told him that he has to be brutally honest, so for a while, and stilla bit now, he's this way, needs LOTS of fine tuning, because there's being honest, then there's being crass. And also because this is a big one for H, he's always felt he never could tell his opinion because I'd jump up and dissagree or dismantle it. I'm afraid that was true in the past, i'm trying hard to keep my mouth shut now when I strongly dissagree with him, because he gets so defensive, afraid I won't let him get his point across at all. Througout all his life he's bottled up his emotions/opinions, so now he's trying to do the oposite, and it is very hard for him to do so.
Anyways, have a great time hon!!!! I'll live vicarously through you today, hope you have a great time hon.
Things still on hiatus with my H, sometimes it is like loving the wall, but I'm whole thanks to the Lord, so I'll be OK, I just pray my H gets through the prob. period fine, I know he's got a one track mind, and right now he's worried about it, and yes, he's messed up quiet a few times and he's been told he had to shape up in 77 days or he d be fired.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey, all, I thought I needed to come and catch up on everyone, and have noticed several who haven't posted in a while. I hope yall are lurking, and reading and are doing really well.
As for me,my H seems to be coming around more, but still occasionally returning into the shadows of the tunnel where it is safe. But, at least as far as I can tell, the RAT (ow) isn't waiting in there for him.
The other day when he was getting ready for work, he said he had to get his stuff out of his car, and then he went to get something out of my car, which he had used the night before. I asked him what he left in my car, and he said it was his keys. I asked him why he took his car keys when he was using my car, and he said he didn't want to be violated. I said WHAT? And he said you know what I mean. I said well if you are being honest and above board, you wouldn't worry about my searching your car. He said in the past he could understand my searching his car, but now that he IS being above board, he would get angry about it, but that any time I thought I needed to search his car, to tell him and he would hand me the keys. I told him that I had not searched his car in a long time not since last year. And that I was trusting him. Of, course, I cannot trust him all the time just yet.
Our S said that he wondered about his father, but that now he thought he was sincerely going out of his way to assure me that he was doing nothing wrong. he is coming home on time from work, he is being a bit more affectionate with me, and, although he only rarely says ILY first, will respond willingly when I say it first. He hasn't been grumping at me for not working, because I think with the state of his parents health, he realizes the importance of my being available for doing things for them, which I have been doing. Occasionally he will make a comment, but it doesn't seem to be mean-spirited like before.
H's weight has gone up alot over the past six months, and even though I try to fix healthy meals, he keeps wanting to eat more, and then wants sweets, his blood sugar is borderline, his joints ache in the morning,and his blood pressure is still up, and the doc increased his medicine, so I hope that works. He doesn't want to exercise, and sometimes blames ME for that, even though I said I would love to exercise with him. He seems happier, though, so I hope eventually he will do something about getting up to exercise in the morning, or walking as a family or something at night. It seems like when we do all get involved as a family, he seems to really enjoy it.
It all seems so boring, probably, but I would rather have that than the drama of 2006 any day.
enjoy your cake.