A new year Part XIV

[jersting]

IMO just the fact that you realize that you are maybe not perfect is making you a perfect father. You will do fine no matter what life deals to you. Hop on here and vent as you need to and as you see you will have the support you are looking for. Ian, you are going to do great with your kids, just try to understand that they are going to deal with all this in the only way they know how. If your D is a little distant at school for a while and her grades slip a bit, just try to remind yourself what lessons they are learning through all of this and I think you will agree, even though this lesson sucks for them also, it will be something that will help them later in their life as much as the school work they are missing now.

[sofaraway]

My dad left when I was 13. My mom raised me from then on out and I have no idea how she did it all.

Even today when something bad happens my mom worries that she did not do a good enough job raising me. She worries that me not having the male influence in my life somehow left me without some of the instincts that I need.

My fear is that I will always wonder if I did it all right or not. It gets so damn hard when all of this is happening, you are in the middle of a custody battle, and your child is struggling.

I find myself wondering whether this is what is best for my D14, should I be forcing her to spend time with her mother. Am I truly protecting her by allowing her to not be with her mom? I do not want to screw this up, I do not do well with not having a clear answer and there is no clear answer here. What if I am wrong and Carrie is not as messed up as she appears? What if my D14 needs her mom even if she is a little self absorbed right now? I hate not knowing that I am 100% right in my decisions.

I told Swashy earlier that my biggest problem is that I do not accept anything less than perfection from myself and that is my struggle. Every time my D14 fails at something, I believe it is my fault. Everytime she misses an assignment, I failed. I have to let go some and accept that teenagers are not perfect and that some of these things are just going to happen and I must deal with them as they do.

In all honesty, I believe that my failings as a father for the last 2 or 3 years of my marriage is what is really messing me up. If I had been a better father then, maybe they wouldn't be struggling now. I know, you can't change the past, but you do have to reap what you sow. I was a terrible dad, and now I have to be a good dad and not fail my children, it is a scary proposition.

I appreciate all of the wonderful posts today, Figgy coming out of the woodwork, I am honored... Jersting, my friend, I have missed you and am glad to know you are ok.

I have to find my footing, I have to accept that this is just the way that it is and do what needs to be done. I have to accept that there will be times when I am scared and will feel completely out of my element.

Lissie bean, your email was amazing, and meant the world to me.

My children mean the world to me and I will do whatever it takes to make it up to them for my failings for so many years. They are my world and I will not let them down ever again.


Ian

[sofaraway]

True sfa I know that we have no control over another person or what God has in store for us. But we do have a mind and know what we believe in.

With that how do you "realize" that you may be better off when in fact you believe with everything you have that you belong beside your S. That you were put on this earth to make a life together. That fate is what you brought you together..

TOH, thats just it, what if Gods plan was for you to have your spouse in your life only for this amount of time in order for you to learn something? You just don't know what fate has in store for you. None of us went to that alter not believing that this is our soulmate, the one we were meant to grow old with, that has changed now.

Understand that sometimes when we question, we are questioning powers greater than ourselves. I would recommend that you read the book "When bad things happen to good people" by Harold Kushner.

I found this book very useful as I struggled internally the way that you are now. Understand that it is written by a Rabbi, but it addresses faith and trust which is what all this boils down to for you. Chapter one is all about the story of Job, are you familiar? His faith is what saved him, his belief that everything happens for a reason is what kept him going.

Go to the library or bookstore and get this book, it is well worth it and will help you with your questions and struggles. Know that you are not alone and that each of us has fealt the feelings that you are experiencing. Time does heal all wounds, even those suffered by the heart.

I literally layed on my den floor one night sobbing from my loss and struggling with my inability to accept and let go. It is not a fun place to be, it hurts your heart and takes everything you have to pull yourself up. It is also not worth it, no one ever deserves that much power in your life. I learned this the hard way, will you?

Ian

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

Since most of our convo's have been about football and my CL I thought I would check in on what was really going on in your life.

My mom raised me from then on out and I have no idea how she did it all.

You stated this in a previous post SFA... a community. Use her teacher. Use her aunts and uncles. Use her sister to help make some positives. You cannot and should not do this by yourself.

My fear is that I will always wonder if I did it all right or not. It gets so damn hard when all of this is happening, you are in the middle of a custody battle, and your child is struggling.

This is where you need to stop and breathe. Ian, you can only do what you can do. By putting this much pressure on yourself you are not setting a good example for your D or son. They can smell it and will notice you struggling with your decisiveness.

I find myself wondering whether this is what is best for my D14, should I be forcing her to spend time with her mother. Am I truly protecting her by allowing her to not be with her mom? I do not want to screw this up, I do not do well with not having a clear answer and there is no clear answer here. What if I am wrong and Carrie is not as messed up as she appears? What if my D14 needs her mom even if she is a little self absorbed right now? I hate not knowing that I am 100% right in my decisions.

There is a point and time where we have to let go. We can see what is happening in front of us and somehow think that by taking a little control of the situation things will be better. In reality you don't know how they will turn out. Your D could resent you for making her see her mom. Her mom may resent you for not letting her see her. You are stuck. Do you let your D have her way? I don't know. If you do, then when she gets older she might resent the fact that you didn't make her go or she will resent you now.
Get out of your head and into your heart.... what is it saying?

Your D is 14.... I've heard that by that age the courts will listen to the child and what their preference is.

I told Swashy earlier that my biggest problem is that I do not accept anything less than perfection from myself and that is my struggle. Every time my D14 fails at something, I believe it is my fault. Everytime she misses an assignment, I failed. I have to let go some and accept that teenagers are not perfect and that some of these things are just going to happen and I must deal with them as they do.

Do you take your anger and disappointment out on her or on yourself? Do you ground yourself and take away privileges? You do need to let go soon. Take it from someone who did the opposite of what was told his entire life (and I still do...you know that) We can only lead. We cannot push.

In all honesty, I believe that my failings as a father for the last 2 or 3 years of my marriage is what is really messing me up. If I had been a better father then, maybe they wouldn't be struggling now.

Or (here comes Mr. what if) maybe you went through what you went through to get here today. Maybe you had to travel that road to be able to reach this destination of being a loving father. Isn't it better that it happened now that 5 more years down the road?

I have to find my footing, I have to accept that this is just the way that it is and do what needs to be done. I have to accept that there will be times when I am scared and will feel completely out of my element.

Ahh ACCEPTANCE= it is exactly the way it is supposed to be!!

Ian, you have a 14yo daughter. 14 man. Divorce/no divorce I hear they are hell. (no offense ladies) Realize that some of this would be happening no matter what kind of father you were, whether or not there is a D going on. It just is. You can only do what you can do. You know this. Now FEEL IT!!

Love you Ian.

[*KS*Chick*]

hey some of us weren't hell

Nah.......he's right most are!

Ian - did you see my blog???

[brandnewday]

Ian,

The absolute best thing about our children is that they have the ability to accept us as we are and still love us anyway.


(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[Fender]

How ya doing Ian? I hope peace finds you brother.