Thank you, everyone, for your words of encouragement and advice. The situation does not feel hopeless, but it feels very fragile. I understand and believe in the concept of divorce-busting, but it is so hard to know what is the wise thing to do in a given situation.
I know my husband is hurting and I feel powerless to help, although he has thanked me sincerely for "being nice" to him. In a lot of ways he is treating me better than he has in a long time...He used to act so irritable and clearly blamed me for his unhappiness (and anger). Now he is unhappy, but does not seem to see me as the cause of it, anymore. I am tempted to reach out to him, but I understand that pursuing him is a pressure that he can't stand at this time.
I have tried to have calm and sanity and courage, partly for my sake, but mostly for our kids, who are also hurting. I am very grateful that neither one is living at home, full-time, as this is happening.
Thank you for saying there are positives, and for the "attitude adjustment" advice, and the advice for other reading I can do. I sometimes feel such panic--it is such a relief to have people to turn to, who understand what I am trying to do, and don't tell me to coldly cut him off.
Are we really talking about years, here? I find that prospect so daunting--I do love this man, but I'm not sure how long I will be able to do this!
These are my current mantras: I do not know what the future holds. The truth is continually revealed (a Quaker thought).
Here is another very specific question: We live on a small (30 odd acre)farm, that is so beautiful, but if we do break up permanently, we will not be able to afford to keep it. Also, I am now out here alone, and it is lonely--just a little over a year ago I was the mom "holding down the fort" for a family of 4.
My husband asked me to wait at least until Christmas before I did anything about moving toward selling our home. I am afraid that putting a deadline on it is going to result in making an irrevocable decision to sell our home, prematurely. Any advice on how to approach this decision?
Wow, I am so used to making plans and then putting them into action! This is a whole new ball game!
My husband asked me to wait at least until Christmas before I did anything about moving toward selling our home. I am afraid that putting a deadline on it is going to result in making an irrevocable decision to sell our home, prematurely. Any advice on how to approach this decision?
You don't bring the subject up. If he does, then you can say soething like " This isn't a surprise, but it's taken me back a bit. Let me get back to you". Buy time if you choose to. Time (believe it or not) is your friend.
PL said that her commitment was to DB 6 mos then 3 mos at a time. Mine is every day. Every morning when I get up I think "I'm going to make it through today." Then I 'll look at tomorrow when it's today.
I agree that "family" contact for the holidays would be good and that he wants to is a positive. Have a talk with your D's. I get the anger and hurt. She's old enough to "get" that he's hurting and going through a confusing time in his life. As well as to have some compassion for him. It's worth a shot.
Regarding the house, make as few changes as possible for as long as possible. It will actually help your H if he wants at some point to come home, to feel like he has a home. Your stability will halp him becuase I guarantee you he does not feel "right" right now. Try not to rush anything. If you need some cash and company, take in a few foreign exchange students. Make the choices that are the leat disruptive until you see how this goes. You have a long term M, and you are being "nice" and respectful towards your H. Just keep it up, be really gentle and loving to yourself. HOt baths in the evening with candles are fun. Learn to appreciate the alone time and the quiet. It took me a long time, I was so restless, I am such an outgoing person. But I stopped watching TV, I read a lot, I prayed a lot, and I had two loyal phone buddies and this BB. I like my life better now than ever. Hang in there! You are just in a big transition. It does get better
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
My advise is to get that thought out of your head.
Quote:
My husband asked me to wait at least until Christmas before I did anything about moving toward selling our home. I am afraid that putting a deadline on it is going to result in making an irrevocable decision to sell our home, prematurely. Any advice on how to approach this decision?
I agree with PL and Grace. Notice your H said "at least until Christmas." And he asked you.
farmgirl, the other thing that is always useful is to take stock of one's self in all of this. We have to look in the mirror as well as the spouse who is in MLC. (You will find that I am not a huge MLC proponent, but a 59 y/o man who says he needs to grow up does seem to be walking down that path.)
One of my other thoughts is to ask your H if there is anything you can do to help him. I know you see him quite a bit, so I wouldn't be surprised if the subject has come up. But he needs to know you are there to help him, or maybe support is a better word. Nothing overbearing, of course.
Random questions: Are you two communicating? Does he speak of his feelings about his situation? Is your H doing anything to help himself, i.e. reading, going to therapy? Is there someone close who can help you? (In my case, I spoke to counselors and a couple of trusted people and that was it. I didn't pull siblings and best friends into this, excpet for the best friends I made through the board - remember you can't have people looking at your H like he is a 3-headed monster when he figures things out.)
And farmgirl, don't overthink this stuff. What you are trying to do is get to the next step. You have come here for a better understanding. Simple answers are usually the best.
H is going to therapy, doing mindfulness meditation, reading, on an SSRI...He does talk to me a little about his feelings, including alluding to how bad he feels. One thing that is really hard to know how to react to: He often mentions that he misses the farm, the quiet, the dogs, our nice kitchen (he always liked to cook for friends, which we did pretty often.) He will mention that *if* he comes back, where he would like to relocate the vegetable garden, where he would like to put a wine cellar, even adding a screened porch to the house...(Our house is a small, old farmhouse, that we renovated personally to be really beautiful and functional. We raised our 2 kids here and they love it, too. I could cry to think of losing my husband and my home.)
I try to tell myself that even though he does not say he misses me, that surely must be the case.
However, meanwhile he says he wants to date other women (he hasn't, yet) and insisted that moving out and starting a new life is just a new "chapter" in his life, something he really needs to do...
I have stopped trying to reason with him about these things, and when he tells me he misses some aspect of home I just say something like "I can really understand that..." without inviting him back. Should I use those moments to ask him if he wants to come home? Something tells me to wait until (if) he says he misses me.
As for me, I go every couple of weeks to a counselor who "gets it" on DBing, but her focus is on me. She seems to think that I should see less of my H...
I do have a friend who understands what I am trying to do, and why I would want to, but I try not to abuse the privilege of asking her to listen to me. I do call her when I am fighting the urge to call my husband and say something stupid.
The other thing I have done (I try not to talk much about this with my H) is start to make an alternative plan. I have drawn plans to remodel a small rental house that we own in town, so I would have a new home in the neighborhood where we used to live about 15 years ago, near a number of friends. I know I am in limbo now, but I feel like such a loser if I don't face this reality with some sort of self-respecting alternative.
Here is a thought from Byron Katie: "If you argue with reality, you lose 100% of the time."
If you want to remodel the rental house do it, but not so much as a back up plan as a project to keep you busy. Don't think about it as a back-up plan for "you" so much as a back-up for both of you when you get older and need to live closer to town.
The reality is, we don't know what's going to happen (this is life and it gets messy). While contingency plans are fine, watch how you look at them. Are you putting negative thoughts (and energy) towards what you say you want (ie:M)? Back-up plans mean we expect to fail at what we attempt......
It's good that you have a C and friend you can talk to. I have a couple of friends I can talk with, but I find the responses I get from this board to be the most valuable.
