Monogomous marriage is what you signed up for. Since you're not interested in sharing I don't see why you have to defend your position. It's the standard position. She has no respect for you. Anything you do at this point that doesn't meet your own needs will probably be lost.
It's not smart to think that two people living totally separate lives can live in the same house and say "We're married". What happens when, after the divorce, you want to bring your new girlfriend to meet the kids.
Nope, she's cake eating. Wants your money and her toyboy. Let her pay for the toyboy if she wants but you focus on the kids. The kids are hurt by her actions, not yours. Keep in mind that you are for family, she's not. Her values don't include protection of the family unit or she never would have started sleeping around in the first place.
"Mommy doesn't love Daddy anymore." is about all the kids need to know. Yes, there will be pain and mental suffering but you are NOT the cause. You are trying to find the best solution for your family and since your wife doesn't want to work on it with you SHE is the one breaking the family unit up.
Protecty yourself against false accusations, protect your children from your wife's attempt to lie (yes, she will. She doesn't want to be the "bad guy"), and protect your finances.
IF, after you start the process and you don't persue her and GAL and she comes back, all the better. Don't bet on it though. It looks like she's been living in her fantasy world too long to admint it's wrong. Just think about all the lying she's had to do to you and the kids to get her selfish needs met. That should be enough to put a rod into your backbone and protect the kids. That is NOT behaviour they need to emulate.
I'm glad you finally had the talk. Don't let her cake eat. You've done a good job ignoring her wh**ing around but now it's time to step up and be that role model that your children need.
Good luck, Luke! Focus on your kids and then your job...let her worry about her.
Great to hear from you. In spite of my hardass exterior toward my (still) W, I really appreciate your moral reinforcement here.
The twist here is that she/we would openly tell the kids that we "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other any more". In spite of all this crap, I still could and do, so it would not be accurate, and your statement is much better.
Yes, she has no respect for me, said as much in fact. Regarding the new lovers, she has hers in Germany, and I 'could have mine in California', where I occasionally work. I don't see how this could work out either, unless I were always at the girlfriend's place and I don't get to California that often.
So you would file? I have all the papers here and it is only a formality now. The accounts are prepared and income redirected so that can't access my salary anymore. The kids and I could have a nice time in Boston with my folks in a few weeks, and forget her. The only question on that front is whether I should leave my daughter to chaperone my W, but that doesn't feel right. What do you think? The kids would have a nicer time I think with me. We could also take my car to the airport (my job pays for it, and so she legally won't have access if I file) and park it there, making transportion to any love party tough.
File now? When do I tell the kids? My daughter came across her this weekend talking to OM and was quite upset, which finally pushed me to this talk. I so hated to end our marriage.
Thanks, friend,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Every situation is unique. Only you can make the choice that's right for you. Personally I would do what I could to acquire guardianship of my children. Your wife's version of reality is not shared with the majority of society and could be detrimental to you kids development.
Your wife's an adult and doesn't need a chaperone. Your daughter, however, doesn't need that person as a role model. Do you want her future relationships to be modelled after what her birth mother has done?
There are different opinions about who should file and when but in your case this has gone on a long time. You've said that you've tried to establish a connection and it's been turned down.
Here's the question: Your son comes to you. He tells you your own story but with him as the husband. What would your advice be to him?
Yes, you have a point there. I suppose the correct thing to do is file and walk the walk, since all my other actions have not helped.
An interesting possibility is her moving out. She herself mentioned this, but thought I could not take care of the house as well as she could. You could tell it hurt her to have to let go of the house. This would have the advantage of the kids having at least it as a stable point, in a nice situation, and near the high school they want to go to.
My W would have to agree to no longer be here, of course, so that another woman could come in.
Maybe I need to bore more in this direction.
My D doesn't want to visit my parents in Boston over fall break without my W coming with us also, but my W has booked herself a class she is teaching just then, I imagine deliberately, so that she cannot accompany us. I frankly prefer it that way, will have more fun with the kids. Now I just need to convince my D that it will be fun - she and W are just walking to the library together.
Maybe this will be another subject to fight about... I need to book flights soon to get a reasonable price.
Thanks again,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Today was a quieter day than yesterday, I suppose because we both had said the tough stuff earlier. I didn't file, yet, simply not feeling like it, but it does seem inevitable. The kids and I are now going to Boston for fall break, and I plan to have fun, and forget the wife and our issues for a bit.
The issue is now how long a period from filing to final decree I should request. It can be between 6 and 12 months. I had thought of taking 9, so the kids could finish their school year, but then heard that the high school my son can go to depends on his grades next Christmas, 15 months from now. I dont' want to screw up his future by upsetting him for that crucial fall term, so maybe have to stick this out for a while longer... Getting a final divorce decree doesn't mean we have to move apart then.
Also, yes, while I miss having a woman with me at night quite a bit, I won't descend to my wife's level and cheat on our marriage and so justify her behavior. It sure is tough though, being without feminine affection for nearly 4 years, and time is passing and I am not getting any more attractive...
Maybe a quick 6 month file to decree period and selling the house just as school ends next spring would be better? Maybe this would give my son time enough to recover and get good grades so he can get into a good high school and so have a good future?
No good solutions in sight yet -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Yeah, things are not great just now. I appreciate your sympathy.
W said a few minutes ago that she was planning a weekend in Berlin, where OM is. I said I know he is there, and that I would not take her to the airport. I then shut off the rest of the conversation.
The open issues are, I think,
o my son's upcoming very important fall term in 2008, when he has to get good grades to get into a good high school. If we divorce just before that term, I am afraid his grades will suffer and so screw up his future, something he does not deserve.
o selling our lovely house and garden, on a lake, something no one wants to do, plus it is a two minute walk from the high school my son wants to go to. Maybe my W could keep her half as an investment, so I don't need to buy her out?
o moral compromise- my W wants us to tell the kids that we don't love each other anymore and so will have 'friends' outside an 'open' marriage. That when I find a new woman who I want to live with, we would sell the house, thereby protecting the kids a while longer. I told her I was monogamous, that marriage was a sacred oath to me. On the other hand, another 15 months without love or affection is a long time, especially after 3-1/2 dry years already. I really don't want to come to my wife's level and do the same thing she did, though. The truth is that she left me and is the one breaking up the family, all her choice.
o is a quick divorce best, maybe just as school ends in June 2008? Maybe my son will recover enough for the fall school term?
o protecting our lovely kids, always, always, always
o I read that people who are alone are happier than those in bad relationships. Should I ask my wife to move out, suggest she live in Berlin, where OM is?
Lousy, all of this,
An overcast morning, with a fog that was over the trees at first, now lowering and lightening,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Quit worrying about your wife. Focus on the kids. Most kids do bounce back and buckle down as long as you're able to keep them out of the conflict. That isn't to say there is no mental anguish, there will be.
This isn't a "we" decision. It's a "she" decision. Either she's your wife or she isn't. You're monogamous. If she's your wife she is too. The decision has always been hers. If she decides not to be monogamous with you then SHE is breaking up the family. "Your mother doesn't love me any more and as much as I'd like to make things work out she doesn't so the best for everyone involved at this point is..." and tell them your decision. I wouldn't live with her, but that's my very own personal non-scientific opinion. Heck, Luke, I'd be afraid of getting AIDS or some other non-fixable STI. Your right, though..it's all lousy.
Thanks for your comments. I have been philosphically wrestling with my W’s suggestion of opening our marriage, trying to find ethical or other reasons for or against this, but realized today that a closed marriage is simply my preference, and that is reason enough.
Also realized the importance of controlling the narrative for our kids, how much better it will be to be able to place the blame on her if I behave blamelessly, saying that this all was her choice. If I start seeing people also, this won’t work, so yet another reason for monogamy.
Wife bought something from Ryanair for 30$ on Sept. 27, not enough I think to get down to Germany and OM. What could it be?
I need to file soon if my next paycheck, due this Friday, isn’t to be 50% hers. If she goes to Germany, I can turn off her ATM card that accesses our American bank account, but this would be legal only after I file, when my $ is then only my own. She got a letter from the bank today, just to her, so presumably has been putting money away somehow. Our joint account is now real low, so other payments will have to be transferred in by me and approved first.
Am also playing with the idea of sending her a text message saying ‘maybe a good solution would be for you to move in with your new man and not come home?’ or a similar, screw up her time with him, suggestion.
The mortgage is due the end of this month. We signed it 50/50, so I could ask her to pay 50%, but have no leverage. What if she doesn’t pay? Then the bank starts foreclosing… and do I really want that? Can you see a way to make her pay her way if we start playing hardball?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
You personally cannot make anyone do anything. That's what courts are for so if you're worried about the house you'll either decide to handle it yourself, ask her to cough up her 50% or go to court to get it ordered with to be covered by her or sold. Once a decision is made to split the financing it's cold hard math that counts. Protect your children's future and ensure that your own standard of living is adequate.
You sound like you're still not decided so take the time to look and see what YOU want. Make a choice to either work longer on it or hold off or file but make a choice. Don't allow yourself to constantly second guess your decisions. Your wife is gone, has been for a few years, what are you going to do now?
