She's been in counseling longer than me (years). I don't know what they've been doing, but not solving any issues as far as I can see. I'd have to see a major change in her before I would consider any seminars. We've been D a month. I'm moving on, with no plans to get back together.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Often, you read on this site that when you have totally walked away and started to think only about yourself, do things get better. Do you have any desire for a post-divorce reconcilliation?
No. My C says I need to figure out how to say good-bye. I guess that means I haven't done it yet. I have other friends who know us both whose opinions are that I need to definitely not go back with her (for whatever that is worth). Like I said I would need to see changes that, frankly, at this point I don't know how they could happen. She's not going to somehow become attracted to me after telling me for the last three years that she never was.
A small victory of sorts tonight. I was bringing the kids over to her place after having them for the last 5 days (my normal time with them). As I'm backing out of the driveway, XW comes running out waving. I'm thinking, now what is she going to be mad at me about? She says that one of her toilets will not stop running and will I come in to have a look at it? Hmmm. Another day, another time, maybe. But it's been a long week and I'm tired, so I say, "Um, that's not really my department." She looks at the ground, at me, looks very sad, nods her head once and walks away.
Boundaries. Get some. I did.
Will I have to pay for that later. Yup. But she's not doing me any favors in any of the things I've asked for, so lets see how this works.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Letting go is difficult. It still takes my breath away when I think back to when the kids were small and we were all together: the beach, the park on swings, Christmas, Disney World...I'm sure you understand.
When I read about how you handled the situation when she came out of the house, I felt great just living through your actions.
Remember this: She chose to have this happen, you didn't. We all live with the consequences of our actions. If she wants to get angry at you, so be it. You need to slide the "Emotional bar" to the right when it comes to how you respond at this time, because you're no longer trying to save your marriage, you're trying to detach and move forward. Maybe if the M. was still on the line, quickly fixing the toilet and leaving would have been the thing to do, but, again not now. I think you handled it beautifully. All business. You certainly don't want to be a miserable human being about it, and you weren't. Just the facts , m'am. Who car if you have to pay for it. You owe everything to your kids and NOTHING to her. Again, not in the form of retribution, but as you said, firm, discernable boundaries. Nice job.
As far as Cs. go, I always found this board to be far more helpful than the $185/hour I used to give my therapist who would always say: "What do YOU think?" why would I care what I thought if I'm paying you to help me?
Maybe having your service is a way she thinks you show love, as in the Five Love Languages. I understand your need for boundaries but if she thinks that service is your love language, maybe she sees you that way, as someone who always rescues her. I am not condoning her behavior at all. I just wonder how else will she try to communicate with you. I almost made a siily call to my H about a pipe because he is the one to fix things. I could not because I am Totally Dark, so I completely understand the boundaries thging. We are no longer each other's emergency contact!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Acts of Service is her love language. But at times it came down to me doing stuff for her and then when I wanted something (sex) then everything became problematic. I told her I felt like nothing but a walking paycheck. I guess that should have been my first clue. Well, I guess it was.
We went to seminars on LL, and other M improvement things, but when she married someone she wasn't attracted to, it was not going to come out well in the end.
I don't mind the C. My insurance covers all but nine bucks, and it's helpful to me, so I continue to go. We'll see how long that continues, but every time I think I don't need this guy anymore something happens and I realize he is helpful.
Tomorrow shoud be fun: would have been our 20-year anniversary.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
OM goodness. Twenty years, 22 years. I have known my H for 23 years. I keep telling myself that we are just growing apart. The thing I love about DR is that it takes away that feeling that there has to be a war or battle. It is very humbling but in the long run it saves me from a lot of bitterness. Don't get me wrong, I can be bitter here, just not overly negative in my real life. That attraction thing is all in our heads anyways. Don't you watch Sex in the City??
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
After the small victory the other night, a strange thing has happened. W had been giving me trouble about promptly paying me for things, about moving along the final D transactions (spliting accounts, etc) and basically had refused every request in the area I'd made. And had said she would not remove my name from the house mortgage ("Why should I pay for it when I plan to make all the payments? - my atty didn't quite see it that way), even though she was required to in the D decree. I finally sent her an emotionally-driven email (I know, you're supposed to let those sit for a day prior to sending, but I sent it anyway - probably a bad idea) basically saying I had been playing nice, doing things for her that she asked, and she was screwing me at every turn on the things I had asked for, and that if that was how it was going to be, that I was done doing things she asked for. It did not mention the mortgage issue.
No response. She calls me just like I hadn't sent it. "How are you? How is your day? Camping was fun. Blah, Blah." Weird. So then last night I refused to be her plumber. This morning she calls and is all apologetic about not taking my name off the mortgage, that she realizes she needs to do it and just eat the cost, and she has sent in the paperwork! Wow! Hello, who is this on the phone where my ex used to be???
I don't know if anything I did had anything to do with it. Was it the email? Was it the plumbing refusal? Did she ask her atty about it and he said she had to do it? Who knows. All I know is up until now, being nice has not gotten me anywhere, and having clear boundaries has, so I'll keep doing what works!
Even if it's all in MY head! Ha!
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
