Well, 3:45 in the morning and I am awake. Why, I am not sure, but I believe it is because of the parent teacher conference for my D14 last night.
D14 is not focused at school, she is struggling with being engaged at school and her teachers say she lacks focus. I sat in the conference and watched as my W didn't say hardly two words I engaged D14's teachers throughout the conference, tried to talk about solutions to the problems and how to give D14 the direction she needs and the encouragement that she needs to get to where she is more focused.
I think that I truly realized that I am alone in this right now and to be perfectly honest that scares the living crap out of me. My confidence as a parent may not be strong enough right now. Yes, I try and do what is best for my kids, but for gods sake I feel so terribly alone in this right now.
I think my biggest fears are that I will fail my D14 and not give her what she needs to perform and be all that she can be. It is so damn hard to know what the right things to do are. To know when to discipline her and how to get her focused. It just seems like a constant struggle trying to keep her on track and the input that I get from her mother is simply non existent.
I don't want to sound trite, but reality is that I never ever planned on being a single parent. This is not what I signed up for, and I believe that the reason I get hung up on that is my fear of failing my children.
I had one of those moments last night where all I could think was why is this happening to me. I hate when I feel that way as it simply makes me feel guilty for being selfish. I know it is not all about Ian so when I think this way I just beat myself up.
I hate that I can be so mad at Carrie, but yet miss her so damn badly when it comes to raising our kids. We were not meant to do this alone. They say it takes a community to raise a child, I would say it takes at least more than one person.
Ughhhh, I absolutely hate that this one snuck up on me so bad. Someone needs to make a pill for times like this that makes us stop thinking and refocus on our own happiness. That would be good......
Anyway, sorry to dump, just having a bad night/morning and struggling a bit with the parenting aspect of all of this. It will pass, I know this, but today, for now, it just hurts.
I engaged D14's teachers throughout the conference, tried to talk about solutions to the problems and how to give D14 the direction she needs and the encouragement that she needs to get to where she is more focused. 