There and Back, #8

[LL44]

For some reason, I feel a bomb coming to my house soon. Maybe it will deflect others for you guys. But mk is right, overall, you did it, you made it.

[Reincarnated]

I think we need to all go to the army navy surplus and buy some helmets.

I need some bombs to fall on my H's head--maybe it will knock some sense into him.

[SallyM]

I actually thing I lobbed my own grenade at him the other day, telling him I'd get the lawyer this week. I swear he looked like he wanted to take cover somewhere. of course, then I backed out, and the thing never went off, and he's probably irritated as hell that I made him duck, but hey, his problem.

had an okay nights sleep, that was nice. therapy this morning. another home cooked meal tonight, but no effort...I made a bunch of meat sauce a couple of weeks ago and froze half, so I just had to pop it out of the freezer. easy-peasy. will make some pasta and a nice salad/veggies and voila, dinner.

therapy today, looking forward to it. H is coming after work and I'll probably head to the gym for some cardio. the one thing I won't do is get into any conversation with him beyond pleasantries.

gotta run and finish getting the kids ready for school.

[SallyM]

just got h's response to my e-mail.

I hope you know that I understand your emotions. It is completely normal. What’s not normal is my lack of emotion and I wish I could explain it, to you and me. I’m glad you have decided to hold off right now.

[LL44]

Wow. Just wow. Email seems to be a better forum for you guys, even for R talk, you know? You both have time to digest and come up with responses. That's a great response by the way. Have a good appt today, and what time should I be there for dinner? D5 declared it "Taco Tuesday" at breakfast today, better get my act together.

[nephartiti]

I had the same response as lwb. WOW! I am speachless, really. Are you sure that grenade didn't go off just a little? WOW.

[SallyM]

yep, we definitely do better via e-mail. not that any of this means anything, other than the fact that he still has no idea what he wants.

I had a great therapy session today. caught her up on what happened this weekend, as well as the e-mail exchange. I concluded with what everyone has told me for a long time now...stop focusing on him. I compared it to restoring a fresco that is half lost, or trying to do a puzzle when half the pieces are missing. you try to fill in what makes sense to you...either thru snooping, or deducing, making educated (or sort of educated) guesses as to what will complete the picture. but half the time I'm wrong, or slightly off, and even when I think I have a complete picture, its really only my guess as to what that picture is.

are you following me?

so I'm done trying to figure him out, trying to guess at our future or his motivations. done trying to figure out what he is doing with his life. because I don't have the whole picture and won't...I don't think he even has the answers at this point. so I am left with suppositions and guesses, which are dangerous things.

the only thing I can do is keep the focus on me. keep moving myself forward. work on my own sh$t. and if/when things come to a head with us, will face it then. I am armed, I am ready, if/when he starts throwing bombs at me, but I'm not going to hunker down in a bunker and wait for it.

my therapist and I spent a good deal of time on this stuff, since so much happened. but the last 20 minutes or so were about what I need to do now, where I want my therapy and my personal progress to go. and that, my friends, is where my concentration will be from now on.

yeah, I'll slip here and there. I know I will. but feel pretty determined right now...will try to hold steady and keep to the course I've set. since my metaphors are all over the place today, I'm going to end with the sailing one. winds will try to batter me and shift me from time to time, but I'm going to shift the sails each time, to keep me headed in the direction I choose.

[SueS]

morgan-

Sounds like your H isn't ready to let go yet either. Would just be nice if he did know what he wanted.

You made me start to tear up. I truly mean it when I say that I'm amazed at your strength. I'm trying like hell and I feel my strength growing, but I feel no where near some of the people on this board, especially you. You're on here posting about your own situation, yet you, like a lot of people, are all over other people's threads giving incredible support & feedback.

I wish I could give you a HUGE hug right now and take away any pain you have.

SueS

[SallyM]

thanks, sue. and double thanks for trekking over here to show your support. through helping others, I think we all find strength.

okay, here's the question of the night. yes, I know I said I wouldn't question my h's motivations, but this one is baffling, and I'm just doing it for fun, not for anything deeper.

when he got here I was not feeling well at all, so just went and lay down. while he played with the kids then put them to bed. he did check on me, to see if I was sick (I'm not) and thankfully didn't say anything more. when he was tucking the kids in, I got up and kissed them goodnight, too. he looked like he was going to hang around, but then D3 needed to go potty when I was with her, then this one wanted something else, etc, etc, so he said he was just going to go ahead and go. I said bye. all is great, right?

sat down at my computer and checked e-mail and there was one from him from this afternoon that I hadn't seen yet. he said he knew I had plans friday night, but he has the opporunity to go to the sox game, and would I mind if his mom put the kids to bed (remember my freak out from august when he went out when he had the kids). I e-mailed him back, no problem with him going, thanks for giving me first dibs, just checking logistics on the kid-exchange since I wanted to keep my plans for friday.

then it hit me...his mom now works on friday nights. I called him, even though I had already sent the e-mails. I told him it was no problem, but pointed out that his mom works on fridays now.

he had totally forgotten. and (this is the baffling part), didn't seem all that upset about missing the game. didn't even ask if my plans could be changed, just seemed....fine.

now that, my friends, is weird.

I am proud of myself, btw. because when I first got the e-mail, I was bitter...bitter because I never did get to a game this year, he's been to many. bitter because there is that one teeny tiny bit of schadenfreude in me after all, because I want him home twiddling his thumbs like I do when I have the kids (and they are in bed), not off galivanting at a sox game (probably with ow). but then I let that bitterness go. focused on my own motivations for it, why I was responding like that, etc. and my e-mail, when I sent it, sounded fine. and my phone call sounded fine, too...not gloating, even slightly sorry that I couldn't help him out.

well, that's my night. finishing up jane austen book club and will move onto something self-helpy tomorrow. its been a nice break.

[nephartiti]

Morgan, today you are my hero. I'm going to print what you wrote from your therapy session and tattoo it to... something I can look at. That is exactly what I feel I need to do too. Thank you. It might have taken me months to figure out on my own. Thanks. Um, can you hit me over the head daily with a 2X4 to keep me on track?