Brand New Day

[Heimlich]

chicki,
if nomo or sunny don't get you first, [e-mail], I'll send it to you.
BD

[C_K]

Sunny

Theres a very unsure H there I suspect. I am impressed how you have not let this throw you off course and this I guess is the hardest point for the LBS when our WAS is not totaly gone.
They keep throwing out little tests just to make sure the LBS is still there. When it starts to look like you are finished then it certainly causes them some worry.
To stay on course like you are takes a lot of Guts and confidence in yourself. The confidence is shown in the lack of fear and the knowledge that you will be OK no matter what the outcome.

I am impressed


Dave

[Gone Dancin']

Ditto, Dave. I agree with all of that!

Way to go, Sunny! You are definitely an inspiration (as well as you, Dave)!

GD

[not an ex yet]

I was curious about the Homer book as well! Can someone send it to me also?
W&S,
I read through your entire thread yesterday and have to say, I gained so much strength and reassurance through your posts. It is great to see someone with the confidence and determination that you have. I will definitely be reading your posts and throw in what I can.

[SunnySeason]

Another prize winning day here. H left this morning after an unscheduled sleep-over.

After asking me to come to dinner with them another 3x's, I accepted the invitation & went to sushi.

When it starts to look like you are finished then it certainly causes them some worry.

What a different H showed up than the one I have seen in the last 5 months.
Because I really am detached at this point, I didn't have a difficult time remembering the importance of staying that way.
I know the drill now....if I go back to any kind of pursuing behavior, or even show that I'm easily concurred before there's a real commitment, we'll be sure to switch into the distancing
pattern, or at least the R will take a hit as a result.

So, at dinner H wants to know what my plans are for Weds.
I'm going sailing, so won't be home all day & prolly into the evening.
H looks disappointed & uneasy. He wants to talk to me, it's important, when will I know if I'm going for sure, maybe I could cancel it.
I tell him if I do change the date, he'll be the first person I let know.
He asked me again last night twice if I might change my mind. Maybe.
Tells me he needs to pick something up in the back of the house after dinner, so will be pulling up & parking in back.
When he puts S4 to bed, he asks me if he might be able to spend the night downstairs, he brought all his stuff with him.
Sits on the bed, rubs my feet & makes sweet small talk.

This morning, he's ultra friendly & flirty.
The workers show up that I hired to fix everything that's in need of repair, so we don't spend a lot of alone time & he's out the door.
Before he leaves, he pulls me over to him & tells me he hopes he'll be able to see me tomorrow evening. When I seem hesitant about kissing him goodbye, he comments on it & asks if he can have another kiss that's a little friendlier before he leaves.
Sure. Upbeat, friendly & agreeable but distant.

I'll have to think on whether to cancel my sailing or not.

I am thinking that a lot of the Homer stuff holds true.

Saying the "you're right, it's impossible" bit & desiring a R instead of needing it does change the whole dynamics.

Sunny

[Nomopo]

Fantastic update Sunny! Things are going great in your sitch! Keep it up. You know I am ecstatic for you.

Had to clarify this:

I am thinking that a lot of the Homer stuff holds true.

Saying the "you're right, it's impossible" bit & desiring a R instead of needing it does change the whole dynamics.

I think Homer has lots of value, and we should all try it, but there is no one full proof approach that will save every M.

This morning, I used the "it's impossible" line again several times in JC. W has now seized on it, in the JC session and after, saying "it's impossible." She claimed "that's your word, I hadn't used that before, but yes, that's how I have felt." She seems relieved I am finally at the same point as her, as this will relieve some of her guilt/sadness in ending this M. This is all ok, because not every M can be saved and we all have to do our best to save our Ms as long as that is our goal. But some WASs are just gone. I believe that in all likelihood mine is just gone. If there is any small, micro-hope of reconciling with my W my guess is it would only surface many months, and maybe years, down the road. She needs much much much more time and space, and it needs to be 100% conflict free with me. Every bit of conflict we have had just reinforces for her that we were never meant to be together, that we're just too different, and that our M is impossible. FWIW.

Nomo

[Gone Dancin']

Great stuff sunny! Homer is definitely working well for you! You have become a true pro at this detachment thing -- can't say what I think you should do about the sailing event, but I can say I'm curious about what H's motives are (probably more than you are! lol).

Nomo,

If there is any small, micro-hope of reconciling with my W my guess is it would only surface many months, and maybe years, down the road. She needs much much much more time and space, and it needs to be 100% conflict free with me. Every bit of conflict we have had just reinforces for her that we were never meant to be together, that we're just too different, and that our M is impossible.

I completely agree with you here (for both of us). I think that it is actually better if we can actually avoid seeing them for weeks, if not months, on end, and limiting phone talk too -- maybe sending notes via email or in the kids' backpacks instead(sealed, of course). I believe the less actual communication, the more healing can occur. The need as much space as we can give them, and unless it is of significant importance regarding the kids, communication should really be nonexistent. FWIW

GD

[SunnySeason]

Hi Nomopo,

Haven't had a chance to call you with all the work being done here, in addition to a toddler & teenager circling me, so I'll respond here while I have a chance.

I think Homer has lots of value, and we should all try it, but there is no one full proof approach that will save every M

I fully agree, keep in mind though, that if there have been any recent back slides or regression, that affects the outcome somewhat.
As I recall, you didn't start implimenting this stuff until a couple of weeks ago. Prior to that, there was some of the stuff that your W has a hard time with shown.

Also, when I told my H a couple of weeks ago that "it's impossible", he replied "OK, I can't stand to see you twisted all the time, so I'll do what ever you want me to do & finalize things". Not exactly springing back towards me in any sense of the concept.

She needs much much much more time and space, and it needs to be 100% conflict free with me

.

I agree with you. There was conflict only a couple of weeks ago, not a long time really, to believe she wouldn't be returning to that.
I still don't hear her saying the D word, or did I miss that.

Every bit of conflict we have had just reinforces for her that we were never meant to be together, that we're just too different, and that our M is impossible

I agree again. I do think that by backing off & telling her "it's impossible" she'll be more comfortable to move towards you freely if/when she chooses to.

Back after I get lunch going for the kids,

Sunny

[Heimlich]

Whoa. Excellent. Alternating between Homer, DR, and a new one, The Four Agreements (not D related, but quite good).

Fingers crossed for you, Sunny. Going to start hanging out on your thread so some of that detachment rubs off on me.

BD

[Nomopo]

Yeah, good points, Sunny. That's why I plan to keep on keepin on, but I am sad and dejected, today at least.

Haven't had a chance to call you with all the work being done here, in addition to a toddler & teenager circling me, so I'll respond here while I have a chance.

I know my friend. (((((Sunny))))) When I hit spots like this morning, walking out of JC, my first call is to you. Hope that makes you feel good/need/special. You are!

I think Homer has lots of value, and we should all try it, but there is no one full proof approach that will save every M

I fully agree, keep in mind though, that if there have been any recent back slides or regression, that affects the outcome somewhat.

Makes sense.

As I recall, you didn't start implimenting this stuff until a couple of weeks ago.

Right.

Prior to that, there was some of the stuff that your W has a hard time with shown.

Right. Wish I could go back to January and start over. Or even better yet, May 2005.

IF I were to do a better job of DR/Homering from this point forward, and if it weren't too late, here's a question: wondering if the dating will hurt me in W's eyes? She knows about it in theory, and seems to be ok with it (and even said she was ok with it (actually, said it was hard, but she understands why and thinks I need it)), but I wonder if it would push her further away, or make her less reluctant to reconcile. I used to think she would use it against me as evidence I don't care about her or the R. Just thinking out loud. Pointless mental exercise, I suppose.

She needs much much much more time and space, and it needs to be 100% conflict free with me

.

I agree with you. There was conflict only a couple of weeks ago, not a long time really, to believe she wouldn't be returning to that.

Makes sense, again.

I still don't hear her saying the D word, or did I miss that.

Not really saying that herslef, or bringing it up on her own. We'll see if that changes.

I do think that by backing off & telling her "it's impossible" she'll be more comfortable to move towards you freely if/when she chooses to.

You're so smart Sunny.

I'll be better once this day is behind me. Think I need some TLC from you know who for a few hours tonight. (Yes, OT, it's self-medicating with a drug, I know. I know. )

Love ya Sunny!
Nomo