This post is all over the place. Spent all day at a trade show focused on records management. Ug.
Enjoying the hell out of my TV. W had the girls this weekend, was a bit bored and drank a little, but nothing crazy. Was pretty whipped from deadlines and working out the previous week. Went to a kickboxing class last Thursday, had a hard time walking Friday and Saturday. Hit a little lull in the weight loss, but back on target. Since Jan, have lost 11 inches of girth from around my belly. Still having a hard time believing I let myself get that fat for so many years.
Girls are doing OK. Casey has taken to running from me when I go to pick her up -- hiding sometimes. That, uh, what's the word -- sucks. Broke through my reserve on Friday, said something to W like "they're hurting and they'll adjust but be better with both of us than if we continue on this path." First time ever she agreed to that statement. Girls have been talking about going to a moonlight corn maze, the girls have expressed an interest in all of us doing something together, asked W -- was non-committal. Yeah, pushed a bit. Not as bad as in the past, reading Homer and some other bits nightly now.
Can't remember what I said, something fairly innocuous, she said something to the effect of "i'm not ready to spend time with you yet." Dunno, maybe a softening as she sees the girl's hurt too. Apparently Casey (the youngest) broke down Sunday morning missing me. That was, in a twisted way I hope you all understand, good to hear.
Oh, last Friday told her about Casey (crying, etc.). Chatted for a few minutes when she picked them up at my place. Apologized for going to the house without calling her first. Can't remember what she said, but said something that I know you feel violated and I know what that feels like [how I refrained from elaborating, I don't know]. Told her that I only snooped one time previously, thought about buying software to read her hotmail the night she told me about the A (1 year and 2 days ago; historical note, we've always dated our time together from October 1990, I'd prefer to celebrate that anniversary), but that I made the decision to trust her even though it tore me up inside every day that she went to work until about last jan/Feb. Told her I made the decision to trust her and never drove by the office, checked her cell, looked at her email, nothing in all of that time. That I had trusted her. She didn't have much to say.
Something in me, hopefully not unfounded optimism, says that she's starting to rethink things. that my consistency in trying to better myself, being happier, losing weight, doing stuff with the girls, not drinking nearly as much, dance lessons, and continuing to love/not blame her may be starting to have an effect. Or, I could just have my head up my ass.
Oh, big update -- last week/week before. Don't think I mentioned this. I flat out asked her if she had been seeing OM romantically -- no. Are you considering it - "I don't know" I replied with "finally, honesty." Now that I think of it, I think I covered this already.
Anyway. Haven't been posting on my sitch. Just don't have the energy at the moment. I'll be hit or miss for a bit until I get a second wind.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
