Down and out...need hope.

[Rob1231]

thanks for posting..I love your support.

we have counseling tomorrow night. the separation idea is going to come up and I'm sure it's going to be a big negotiation. My ploy to delay is to say i need to speak to a lawyer to discuss this some more before I commit to anything. Is that a 180? Otherwise, how do I drag my feet?

I wouldn't even promise to see a lawyer - that's still WAY too compliant. What you need to do is buy yourself some time. Here's the approach I took, which worked out pretty well. I said...

Hey, this is all moving way, way, WAY too fast for me. You dropped this bomb on me just a few weeks ago and now you expect me to be all happy and With The Program and ready to move out of the house and head straight downtown to the lawyer. My head is still spinning and I can't just get over 13 years of marriage and loving you like THAT. I need to work through this, to process it, to understand what went wrong, and to understand why you think it can't be saved. Someday, I might even agree with you that splitting up is the best answer - I just don't know right now. If I get to that point, I'll go file myself. But right now, I do NOT believe in my heart that divorce is the answer, and it's unfair of you to expect me to do these things on such short notice. You say you have felt this way for years - well, maybe you have, but it's all new to me and I am not ready for ANY of it.

Now, the next thing that will happen is she will say, "OK, fine, how long do you need? 'Cause I'm not waiting for years for you to come around!" The best answer - refuse to give a specific answer. How could you possibly know how long it will take for you to come over to the Dark Side? Stall, stall, stall!

This approach (which was said with complete sincerity - I meant every word) bought me the time to get out of my own depression and get my a$$ into DBing High Gear. Good luck!

I'm going to work on building my GAL goal list. I think it's correct, once I show this and GAL to her, I think she'll change.

Let's get one thing straight - your goal here is not to get her to change. She may come around, but unfortunately that is really out of your control.

In the meantime, your goal is for YOU to change. Hopefully, you will become a better, happier person in a better, happier marriage. If not, you will still become a better, happier person who did their absolute best to save their marriage, but it was just out of your control. I know that's not what you want to hear right now, but trust me on this - working on YOU is the single best way to improve your chances of saving your MARRIAGE.