Remembering myself, Part II

[Dom R]

Let's clarify a few items. H has had an episode or two of ED but does not seem to have ED per se. So, it seems that my choice is not between penile IC and other sexual stuff. It is between penile IC (this is what I get when we have sex) and no sex at all. Are you saying that you believe I am getting sex only when my H is feeling fully functional?

Hmmm.. I dont want to state anything like that. I am more interested in you stating what is actually happening. Which, happily, you did further down...

If in fact my H was not able to have an erection I understand and agree that we could have a sex life. Since he does get and stay erect (though it sometimes waxes and wanes) then he doesn't seem to see all that kissy, licky, close stuff as necessary. If he did all that just caus he thinks I'm a great gal and he couldn't do the other I'm pretty sure we could still have a great time.

Err.. the "waxing and waning" stuff. is "Erectile Disfunction", if it happens in the middle of things. (while you are actively having intercourse, not just fooling around, that is)
If his problem was "couldnt get an erection at all", it could simply be called "impotence", rather than "ED".



ED would be embarassing to him, and make him want to avoid sex with you, and/or "hurry up and get it over with". The classic response to ED, is to avoid the "kissy licky stuff", because it wastes time, and he wants to "get things over with" before he loses his erection.

Here's the thing: If he equates "sex = penile intercourse", and "penile intercourse = embarassment", then of course he's going to avoid sex.

So, it would definately be in your best interest, to reassociate sex (that is to say, sex for YOUR benefit, at least), with a wider range of activities.
You're a grown woman... I'm sure you are aware that "oral sex" is only one of many possibilities.

So, there is a two-pronged approach, that you can actually pursue both of at the same time:

1. help him out with his stress levels, so that it is less of a factor in his ED. Schedule relax time, etc.

2. be nurturing and supportive (and nympho? heh) by showing him that it isnt "all about the penis"..so that when he DOES have ED... he doesnt feel so much shame, because you're still really enjoying him. Which itself will help him relax more... which may funnily enough, lessen the severity of his ED to boot.

It SOUNDED like you agreed with my implicit assumption, that you'd rather have the general sexual attention from your husband more frequently, than penis play all the time. So I'll go with that as a given, for the future.

With the kids I am saying that H likes them underfoot, chooses it and would find it off putting if I suddenly started distancing him from them.

I am in no way suggesting that you drive them away, or "distance" them from him. Rather, that the focus is on allowing you and him to relax on a regular basis together.
IF, and only IF, you make it clear to him, that your primary motivation is NOT sex... then he should welcome it.
If on the other hand, he believes that you are just looking for sex... then he will try to avoid it, and use the children as an excuse, and complain about you pushing them away from him.

I will make the assumption that you WOULD actually enjoy the time with him, and it honestly wont be all about the potential for sex

Also, a good point on giving him another choice other than what he thinks he can offer (dinner) and what I think I want (sex) and choosing some close approximation that he might be able to deal with. This may actually do some kind of good.

Glad to hear it could be helpful. Please note: your first shot at this, should not be very "close" to sex in fact, quite the opposite. Think... erm... high school first date, maybe? where sex doesnt come into the picture until at least the 6th or so?

Ye olde "watch a movie and lean into each other" thing, could be just the ticket, i'm guessing.
if you make it a public place, that has no armrests inbetween, then you can be comfy, yet he will KNOW you're not going to be having sex.
(I think )