muddled and angry: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey MMan!

Thanks for your words. I'm feeling pretty good about all that stuff. You'll get there, too.

Hey Heim!

{{{{{{{Puddle}}}}}}

That had to be tough, but you handled it well -- though the Homer book falling out of your bag with a plop, face up in front of your H sounds like a definite Lifetime movie moment.

Oh yeah. I'm sure it's hard to believe I'm "letting go" when he sees things like that. Hey, who'd play me?

From what I remember of your postings from 2 months ago, HUGE change.

Yes, it is a huge change (2 months, MMan!), and H is having a hard time buying it. I just got an email from him re last night's convo, which he called "disappointingly sterile," said I am not honest about my feelings "your anger dissipated that quickly?" and don't share feelings "(conversation completely devoid of emotions)."

I'm apparently coming off as some kind of robot, which wasn't my intention. I think a lot of that has to do with H's expectations, which may involve screaming and crying, and I've asked him about that. We'll see what he says.

Did he agree that you two have a bond?

Yes, said it's the same for him. In a slight misinterpretation of what I said, he wrote "You say your basis (bond friendship respect) is gone; I can work with that. My motivation comes from just that bond."

I clarified (just now) that the foundation of that bond for me was the fact that we were partners, just for each other, and that being gone makes me sad and changes things for me.

5. What is this man looking for? People change throughout life, but he sounds lost.

Last night I was feeling sad as I listened to him, thinking he sounds so lost. He says he doesn't feel like he needs to leave to be happy, but that he'd be unhappy if he stayed. He doesn't believe happiness is out there waiting for him. It's more like he's fleeing unhappiness than running to happiness, if that makes any sense. And as I listened to him I thought, he's going out there all by himself, he's going to be lonely, and he may regret it; regardless he's willing to throw away so very much, and I felt bad for him.

6. All of his "I don't want to be married to you". Feh, we've all heard it before. Hurts to hear, but we know it already don't we? Comes to mind that LBSs aren't the only ones who repeat themselves.

I wanted to say, "You don't want to be married to me. I get it. Could you please stop repeating that?" I wonder if he thinks I'm thick.

I'll warn you, watching your kids in pain will/can kill your detachment.

I'm going to be on the lookout for this, thanks. Not looking forward to it.

8. Great job on not pushing your points, staying calm, having a good time despite the lurker H, and, while being a chick, having the spacial ability to pack a car!

Yes! I am a chick who can pack a car. Should I put that in my dating profile?

So in this email I just got, H says he's going to tell his father (who's flying in today), which is another turnaround. He says he'll swear him to secrecy, and I told him I think it's unfair for him to ask father not to tell wife (also visiting), but I'll leave it up to him. Schmuck.

He says he wants to move out around the end of the month and talk finances. I said oky-doky.

He says I can't be done with the M if I want him to stay in the house. I clarified that I don't "want" him to stay, but rather that it's okay with me if he does and okay if he wants to leave. Not sure this will make any difference in how he reads it, but felt like I wanted to clarify that. And I repeated "I understand and accept that M is over." Ugh.

I responded to his email immediately and from the hip, since part of what he's reacting to is my lack of emotion. Last night he said that email I sent the other day (which you all helped me draft) said it sounded like I'd edited it to death. Hopefully this will sound more like me.

I'm feeling less like I care, but I'd also like to be feeling a bit more of that legendary inner strength and sublime peace I keep hearing about. I feel strong, pretty proud of myself, and tired of all this. So tired.

So the ILs are arriving today. It's always nice (and stressful) to see them, and we're all going away together for five days. Lordy, I'll need strength.

Thanks for your thoughts. The feedback helps a ton!
Take care.