I'm just curious - how do you know if H has truly moved on? Some posts show that H lives with OW w/wo kids, moved out, no finances, no contact etc...how do you know that it isn't over? I mean, it's not a marriage anymore and no matter how you love H he's still not in the marriage. How do you know it's not "I'm done, see ya later bye"? I don't understand how some people wait years, when their H is gone and there's nothing there. I understand you have love and hope and prayer, but I guess I don't get how you are suppose to know the diff of waiting or if it's "real" and he's persued his life w/o you. Yes, I know that people "know" when to call it quits. I just don't know the diff of MLC and wanting out. I read the posts and some will wait til the ends of the Earth, although their Spouse left them behind has OW preg, or in debt, or never contact them. It's not my sit cuz H has been in contact here and there, has given money (not enought), yet talks about building a life. Still has OW in life, doubt it they'll stay together etc. I'm confused.
And yes this is a new post because it's a question I need to figure out.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
there are probably a million answers... or at least more than one, but MAYBE here's one: eventually YOU will know when you are done- when you have done everything that you can. You have given and said everything that you have to give or say, and then YOU move on. Might your WAS decide to come back then? maybe, and then what? your turn to choose!
It's not so much when I'm done, I'm trying to sort out between MLC and the reality (not really the word I want to use) of him just being a man wanting out of a marriage. Is it the symptoms? Cuz some run the same. I don't want to think it's MLC if it's just wanting out. We had a good marriage, H loves me, H has been supportive for the most part, not mean for the most part, and "wants to be on his own" .. so he says. I just don't want to have an illusion of MLC if it's not that.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
It's been said that the main difference is the confusion that seems to come with MLC. Who knows? You don't want to have any illusions, ok. What does hope have to do with illusions? Whatever energy you put out in the world is what you get. What do you want? What is the difference in how you feel/think about him if he's in MLC vs being a WAS? This is more (IMO) about you wanting answers so you know what to do. It's HARD to live in this state of limbo and not feel like we don't have any control. The truth is we do have control over the one thing we've always had control over.....ourselves. What do you want for your life (outside of M to your H)? How do you get there from here?
There are as many answers to your question as there are people to answer it.
I think you said it--didn't click. I had read so much of MLC and could honestly sympathize with H to a points, and according to T he's not thinking rational. So I was focused on MLC--didn't think of WAS at all. The diff to me is that MLC (from a ton of reading and T and DB couselor) is a man reaching out to obtain what he thinks he lost, and looks back on his life and feels worthless. WAS -- didn't read enough on this, but seems that he's had it with marriage and married life/children -- copping out and just running away. There were issues. Before I get everyone in an uproar -- it doesn't matter either way, pain is pain, heartache is heartache. Maybe I'm not explaining correctly, but it seems the WAS made a choice, whereas MLC is plagued by confusion and inner drama.
It's horrible for the LBS, adn it's hard to get/make new friends when your H was your best friend. It's hard cuz most your age are married w/families that are settled down. There's nobody I can just call up and wing it with. They are older friends, or younger, or attached. I'm trying to GAL, either part time job, or volunteering, but weekends are hard.
I dont' mean to upset anyone--hope not!
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
A MLCer is usually acting in a very erratic and uncharacteristic way. The affair [which may last even in MLC] is usually with someone that the person you know wouldn't look twice at.
A WAS more typically picks someone that, while they may be different from the spouse, has some points that the person you know would admire or like.
Many counter examples of course.
I would also say that not all WAS stay permanently away. The London Times did a survey a year or so ago, and found surprisingly high number of couples who got back together, or the WAS wanted to and the partner had moved on/wouldn't have them back. Not a statistical survey to place reliance on, but long marriages in which both people were happy a lot of the time are surprisngly durable.
I suppose what I am saying is just because one patrner leaves teh marriage doesn't mean that it is over. It may be. But not all affairs last, and sometimes the grass isn't greener, and they realise this . . . whether MLC or not. And sometimes it is.
