There and Back, #8

[SallyM]

thanks all. I really do appreciate the advice. I am going darker until after my anniversary. I have to. I can't go completely black because we do have contact due to the kids, but I can go really dark.

I have already consulted with a lawyer...2, in fact, last spring. I know my rights very well. I know what will and will not be, depending on what route we take. I honestly don't have any more questions, not until I am ready to file/seek arbitration.

h has already told me he will have the money from the stocks into our joint acct. he has apologized sincerely this morning for doing this...he sounds like he doesn't even know what he is doing at this point at times, just figured this was the best way to keep me in the house, allow for us to be taken care of, but also to move himself on. the fact that he didn't tell me about this stuff ahead of time was horrible. I think he understands it now. regardless, the damage is done. he doesn't have any more in that light that he can do, unless he forges my siggy on the pension fund, which I can't imagine he would do.

if he messes with his paycheck, I do have money in our ING acct that I can use to cover bills until I get a lawyer involved. which, trust me, is where I will be if I see one penny gone.

H has been more than decent where money has been involved. he has. there is no argument about this. I am going to let this go, but I will not forget it...I now know where his mind is heading. he can't hide anything else because I am the one in charge of everything else. trust me, he has no clue. he is welcome to know at any time where the rest of our money is, but its like he just doesn't care to know. like the bills...he pulled the, "he'll take over the bills and give me an allowance" crap yesterday, but when I said, sure, he backed down very quickly.

He doesn't want any of this, he just wants all of it to go away. he wants all it to be solved with a magic want, and true to form, wants instant gratification. cashing in the pension would be very instant. waiting till january when commissions kick in is delaying again. his commissions should likely meet/exceed his base (according to him). His base is more than enough for me to live very comfortably on for now. his original thoughts were he would take the commission, I would keep the base. sounds good to me...that would give him plenty of $ to get his own place, to get rid of his credit card debt by next year at the latest.

its funny, H has such a fear of growing old, I swear if he could drop dead the day after retirement he would be a happy man. I think that's why he hates thinking of retirement accts, and disolving them sound like a goo deal. he's all about today, not about tomorrow. I'm a squirrel, I want the $ there for a rainy day. even if this particular acct isn't much, even if it ends up being only enough to buy bread when I'm 70, I want the damn bread.

I went to the gym and did a lot of thinking while on the treadmill. there are themes that keep coming up with H.

1) He wishes he had a do-over in life, he wouldn't have kids/family

2) I was a a good mom but a horrible wife.

3) he wants to leave us, but wants to know we are taken care of.

4) he won't tell me he is with ow, and also says he doesn't know he wants to be with her forever. (leads me to believe he's there purely for convenience at this point, I wonder if he wants the money so he can leave and get his own place away from her).

5) he is happy (??) with himself and sees no need to change anything about himself (or so he says, his actions are very different).

6) he doesn't know what he wants...he doesn't know if he wants divorce or not. but he doesn't love me and doesn't want to come back.

these are the persistent themes in any blow-ups we have. how much is spew and how much isn't, I don't know, but damn, they are consistent.

gotta run, this is long enough as it is. will be back later (have to finish up costume stuff).