There and Back, #8

[SallyM]

just off the phone with my friend, the therapist (not my therapist). she was awesome, as usual. made me see just how far backward I was heading, what I was doing and allowing to be done to push me back there.

we talked for a long time. honestly, maybe its best that I go ahead and get the lawyer. but I'm still not sure this is the way to get there, so this is the e-mail I just sent H:

I want to say I am really disappointed with how things went today. both with what you have done and said, and with what how emotional I got. I feel like over the past several months I have made a lot of progress but today it felt like I took several steps back into an old place that I don't want to be in again.

I need you to be understanding that this is a hard month for me. what happened today solidified this for me. probably best that I back away from talking to you as much as possible until after our anniversary. will keep as much stuff to e-mail as possible.

I'll get thru this and I'll be better, but evidently this month is affecting me more than even I thought it would.

I know I said I was going to contact the lawyer but after thinking about it, I don't really want to; its still your card, your play. if you want to call the lawyer, its up to you. If I decide to in the future, it won't be because I am emotional or upset. it will be because I know it is the right thing to do.

m.

my friend wanted me to say a few more things, but I'm wimping out on them a bit. this just sounded right to me. we'll see. wish I had the balls to just end things. but guess I'll be there if that's what is meant to be, it doesn't have to be today. I do worry that wimping out on it will push H further from me. but nothing I can do now, its sent. and if it pushes him further away, likely he would have ended up further away regardless.

[nephartiti]

Big giant hugs, Morgan. What a day you have had! I'm so sorry I wasn't around, but so glad everyone else was.

I agree that you do not need to file for D. However, you may seriouly consider that L to protect your financial security. If he's already liquidated assets, he is completely capable of more. He had to be a jerk to go through this talk and justify his actions. He can not justify it any other way. He has to belittle you so that he can continue to be selfish.

Protect yourself, dear Morgan. Know that these are lies. Hold truth close to your heart. You are a wonderful person and an amazing mother. I can not imagine you any less as a wife. You will get through this. You do have the strength deep within you. Don't let him take that from you. Harness it and continue to thrive.

I'm curious what else your friend wanted you to put in the letter. Do you care to share?

[mkultra]

Good letter, Morgan.

Ugh, what else can I say? Telling the truth at this point seems like the best way to go. It is his call. He knows what he is doing at this point.

You don't need a divorce to be free.

[SallyM]

thanks ladies.

what an awful night. I got so little sleep, just tossing and turning. I did get an hour here and there, so hopefully enough to give me the wherewithal to face the day and whatever it brings.

neph, I wish I had kept a full draft. my friend was rattling things off and I was just typing away, trying to shift them into my own words and such. there was a paragraph about abusive language and such that I ended up cutting, but I don't remember exactly what it said. I just felt like this said it all without language that I knew would get his hackles up...although that abusive language paragraph was one she thought was really important for whatever reason.

my instinct is always to not let someone know that I am hurting. letting him know that this month is hard for me is so against what I would normally do, that that was hard for me. its something my friend told me I should do last week, actually, and she was right (as usual). I should have. likely it would have diffused some of what happened because he would have had a heads up, at least. who knows. but its out there now.

I don't know if he is working today or not, I sent the e-mail to his work e-mail. we'll see what his response is.

in the meantime, a cold, rainy day here. I'm going to head to the gym, assuming the play room is open. other than that, I'm going to play with my kids...just going to concentrate on them today. I'd like to spend a little time reading one of the books I just bought, and writing in my journal.

[SallyM]

just off the phone with H. he called to say good morning to the kids and we talked a few minutes after as is normal...he asked about our day, we talked costume stuff and such. I asked if he was going in to work today and he said no, he can't today, he's not in a good place/too sad (not sure if they have it off for the holiday or if he is just taking it off). I told him I sent him an e-mail to his work address and he said he'd get it tomorrow.

he then went on to apologize for the stock money, said it was never his intention to screw me out of anything, he was just trying to do what's best for us...to try to keep us in the house, me not working, etc, etc. I believe him. I do. still not signing over the pension, but I do believe what his intentions were. I told him I was sorry about how things went yesterday. he started crying saying he was so sorry for everything. I started crying saying I wish I could turn back time, and change so much, but I can't.

eventually we just said goodbye. it was a good talk, though. I feel good about it. going to stick to my low/no contact thru our anniversary rule, though. if he wants to do/say something nice on that day, I'll listen, but I need to step away for a bit. only bad will come if I keep acting as if right now. I can't do it. not cabable.

we'll see what the rest of the day brings.

[Reincarnated]

Morgan--
I just caught up, and I am SO sorry. I was going to ask you on Fri if you would like to be call-anytime buddies. I could use it, too, since I have had such a compulsion to talk to H when I knew it would bring me in the wrong direction.

This is my cell 203 994 9923. Use it anytime, day or night. I mean that. I know you and I both have a friends-list of people to call, but sometimes they can't or don't answer, and I know that I have guilty feelings when I unload on them. They hear the hurt and just want it to stop, too, so give advice like ending it all...we don't need advice, so much as having an ear to listen and KNOW what is happening on the other side of the phone. You can call me guilt-free.

We are all strong, morgan, all of us here. Just not all of the time. And that is because we are human. Our spouses are human, too, and I know that is one mistake that I made, thinking that he was so good that I never had to be concerned about an outside threat to our marriage...

Cuddle up with the kids today and a Disney movie. Pop some popcorn. I am sitting in bed, lazy, listening to the thunder roll by. I'll be going out to get my nails done later today, and then sit and do grad school homework. It is going to rain most of this week; let the sky do the crying for us, and wash away some of this hurt.

{{{{{morgan}}}}}}

[nephartiti]

Good morning, Morgan.

I have been thinking about your sitch all night. I woke up thinking about your sitch...

It is good that he apologized and is showing remorse. That confirms that he was just spewing. However, that does not change the fact that he messed with joint assets without discussing it with you first. Regardless of his intentions, he crossed a line there because you were not included in the decision.

Morgan, I'm going to give my two cents, but remember, it is only that. You have to make your own decisions on how you proceed. This is your life and your family.

Here's what I think. I think he has been cake eating (rather apple pie eating) in a sense. He is able to make himself cozy at the house, stays with OW while you take care of the kids, and goes to Mom's when he has the kids for the weekend (where she caters to him too). I think it's time to take Morgan off the list of care takers. Morgan is off limits as a shoulder, as a meal, as a romp in the hay, at least for now (until after your anniversary for starters).

I believe your friend wanted the abusive language paragraph because what happened was abusive without a doubt. He came in there without warning and beat you into an emotional bloody pulp. Not OK by any means.

I think your idea about only e-mail contact is a good one. Stick to it. If he wants to have another "talk" he needs to make an appointment (via e-mail) and provide a written outline as to what will be discussed. This gives you time to prepare. In addition, all requests made from yesterday, should also be put in writing. Cover your bases legally just in case.

I get the feeling that he expects to call all the shots here.
1. He's already made changes to your assets
2. He's already made plans to make further changes.
3. He told you he will be more "generous" if you arbitrate, as if it is up to him. I think this translates into, "I can take advantage of you if you arbitrate because I know how to appeal to your soft heart and there will be no one in your corner to tell you what you are entitled to." He did not say, "we do not need lawyers. We can handle this amicably. We both want to do what's best for the family."

I think you need to gather all your strength and brace yourself for whatever comes next. Remember, even D is not final. It is a minimum 6 month process. Even after, people get remarried. It is time to really let OW handle all his needs.

LRT. Total darkness for Morgan. Set your boundaries and stay firm. Only e-mail contact unless you agree in advance to something else. Have the food put away before he gets there. Act as if everything is great, you are great, but do not include him in your happiness. Don't be bitchy about it, just be firm. This is to protect you. It takes grace to set a boundary without getting "nasty", but it is possible. You are no longer there for him. You are taking care of Morgan and Morgan's children.

What do you have to lose at this point? (He's already going in that direction. He seems to be all money business right now. When he says he does not want a D, it is not for the same reasons you do not want it. I'm sorry, but I think he is thinking a D will ruin him financially.) What do you have to gain? (Your independence, autonomy, and sanity.)

You may want to consider finding a lawyer and talking about your rights at this point. Don't let yourself be taken by surprise again. I am so proud of you for standing your ground on the retirement. Stay calm, stay cool. You don't have to agree to anything. Even in person, you can say you will think about it and get back to him. You can still say "I am sure you will do what's best for the family" to help keep him in that mindset." You do not have to "disagree" with anything he puts out there. Just be clear that you need to think about it and will get back to him. This is easier if you have something in writing to look at so that there are no misinterpretations of what is being proposed.

Take care, Morgan. You are in a tough spot, but you will get through this.


Now for some Tori

"Come on, Baby
I'm much stronger than you know
Sometimes I'm not afraid to let it show

When will you wake up
I want you more than the stars and the sun
But I can take only so much
Cool on your island
Is it cool on your island?" (Cool on your Island)

[Reincarnated]

Morgan--
PLEASE listen to Neph on this. Is there a women's center near you? You are in a precarious position, being a SAHM. You know that you have the laws on your side as far as disclosing the 3 years financials. But, you also have to worry about today.

As much as I hated to do it, I filed for legal sep the day after I discovered the A. Knowing that he had an OW talking in his ear, I felt that I had to in order to protect the kids' and myself financially, and keep CW from getting near them. I filed a pendente lite motion at the same time, which covers the waiting period. I didn't file for a D, and I also took a withdrawal form with me--I would take this all away in an instant if he only gave the word. It doesn't look like he will.

He has since tried to reduce the weekly payments, and wanted to eliminate the no-contact order. He took my kids to a fair and "just happened" to meet CW there. I know, looking back, that I did the right thing, as much as I hated doing it. Remember that you are not dealing with the man you once knew...

{{{{Morgan}}}}

[mkultra]

Morgan, If you are ready for Neph's advice then there are certain goals in the Plan B or Going Dark. I think the primary one is to protect yourself from pain but it needs to take place before you have exhausted all your feelings of love. It sounds like you still have a lot of love still in your Love Bank. It is not meant to take place after you have given up. I am not suggesting you go to Plan B, I am just saying it is a Last Resort and it will make you both miss each other more. It is a risk, but it can come when you feel you have no more to risk. The thing is that you will miss him also but you will be free of the emotional impact of his decisions. Although I must say, your H does seem to show care for you he just does not know how to express himself appropriately. I mean he cried and he still calls and obviously enjoys being around you. I am not trying to give you false hope as you are dealing with a man who is actually trying to "fight for his freedom" but you have done a lot to give him something to think about. Don't push for a divorce that you do not want.

It is strange. Today I saw a couple who reminded me of you and your H at school this morning. They just looked like how I pictured your family. It made me think what do they have that we do not have? Then I thought about the numbers and statistics of affairs and separation. I guess we all at one time looked like happy families on the outside. It is high time we felt like a happy family on the inside.

[SallyM]

thanks all. I really do appreciate the advice. I am going darker until after my anniversary. I have to. I can't go completely black because we do have contact due to the kids, but I can go really dark.

I have already consulted with a lawyer...2, in fact, last spring. I know my rights very well. I know what will and will not be, depending on what route we take. I honestly don't have any more questions, not until I am ready to file/seek arbitration.

h has already told me he will have the money from the stocks into our joint acct. he has apologized sincerely this morning for doing this...he sounds like he doesn't even know what he is doing at this point at times, just figured this was the best way to keep me in the house, allow for us to be taken care of, but also to move himself on. the fact that he didn't tell me about this stuff ahead of time was horrible. I think he understands it now. regardless, the damage is done. he doesn't have any more in that light that he can do, unless he forges my siggy on the pension fund, which I can't imagine he would do.

if he messes with his paycheck, I do have money in our ING acct that I can use to cover bills until I get a lawyer involved. which, trust me, is where I will be if I see one penny gone.

H has been more than decent where money has been involved. he has. there is no argument about this. I am going to let this go, but I will not forget it...I now know where his mind is heading. he can't hide anything else because I am the one in charge of everything else. trust me, he has no clue. he is welcome to know at any time where the rest of our money is, but its like he just doesn't care to know. like the bills...he pulled the, "he'll take over the bills and give me an allowance" crap yesterday, but when I said, sure, he backed down very quickly.

He doesn't want any of this, he just wants all of it to go away. he wants all it to be solved with a magic want, and true to form, wants instant gratification. cashing in the pension would be very instant. waiting till january when commissions kick in is delaying again. his commissions should likely meet/exceed his base (according to him). His base is more than enough for me to live very comfortably on for now. his original thoughts were he would take the commission, I would keep the base. sounds good to me...that would give him plenty of $ to get his own place, to get rid of his credit card debt by next year at the latest.

its funny, H has such a fear of growing old, I swear if he could drop dead the day after retirement he would be a happy man. I think that's why he hates thinking of retirement accts, and disolving them sound like a goo deal. he's all about today, not about tomorrow. I'm a squirrel, I want the $ there for a rainy day. even if this particular acct isn't much, even if it ends up being only enough to buy bread when I'm 70, I want the damn bread.

I went to the gym and did a lot of thinking while on the treadmill. there are themes that keep coming up with H.

1) He wishes he had a do-over in life, he wouldn't have kids/family

2) I was a a good mom but a horrible wife.

3) he wants to leave us, but wants to know we are taken care of.

4) he won't tell me he is with ow, and also says he doesn't know he wants to be with her forever. (leads me to believe he's there purely for convenience at this point, I wonder if he wants the money so he can leave and get his own place away from her).

5) he is happy (??) with himself and sees no need to change anything about himself (or so he says, his actions are very different).

6) he doesn't know what he wants...he doesn't know if he wants divorce or not. but he doesn't love me and doesn't want to come back.

these are the persistent themes in any blow-ups we have. how much is spew and how much isn't, I don't know, but damn, they are consistent.

gotta run, this is long enough as it is. will be back later (have to finish up costume stuff).