Maybe all women (and men!!!) are controlling to a certain amount. Probably everyone here has a spouse who might accuse them of being controlling. And one thing I've always maintained... do you think OP is NOT controlling? Do you think they are not trying to manipulate and control a situation to be more positive for themselves?
I think there's a chance the whole control thing helps your H validate where he is. He has to hold onto some reasons why the marriage may not be for him and that's why having the affair was okay. My husband used to complain about me trying to control him as well. I think oftentimes the whole control thing is an excuse. In a marriage I think there's a certain amount we do need to expect from our spouses (like home before midnight -or at least a phone call explaining why one might be late- when out with buddies seems more than reasonable to me for a married man!). Of course couples will have different expectations. I think when they finally get fully out of the fog and really want to be in the marriage, they WANT to do things that help you feel more secure. Oddly, I'd complain for years about my husband's late nights out with the guys. Knowing full well they were at bars and probably flirting with women. I didn't like it, but finally learned to bite my tongue and not complain about it because I didn't want to be "controlling." I myself didn't go out and stay out late with friends. But now, weirdly, even though I still don't complain (and even encourage him to go out!) my husband actually will go out of his way to call or get home at a more reasonable time.
By the way, regarding "Not 'Just Friends,'" I think the nice thing about this book is it helps you understand the dynamics of an affair. The advice may not be applicable, but the information of how and why they occur, how easily they can happen, how they are a problem of boundries and how even good marriages can have them, and how difficult it can sometimes be to end them, was kind of enlightening to me.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
