All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

Thanks Grace that helped tremendously.

I know what you mean about breathing and walking, its sometimes hard to even breath evenly. I must be really stressed as i'm losing a lot of hair. (looked it up on internet, it says its due to stress, is normal and will get better with time).

I do need to set new goals, The original goals i set were about improving me. But now i need to look at R goals, not feeling so positive about those or really were to start with something realistic or achievable. What were your goals G?

I have woken up this morning it is now 9.00 am and I feel at rock bottom. I want to say to H, 'are we living as friends like I said I wanted to? because it's not working for me, I want you to stay and try to work at this M or I think it may be best if you leave. I see more of friends than I do of you and I actually get more support and affection from my friends than I do of you. I know you have plans (someone once said he will always have a plan)it hurts me that you haven't talked to me about it. You can hardly sit in the same room as me. I need more from this R, I want some affection every now and then'. I know thats giving him the ultimatium and its likely to push him further away. Were not even friends we're more like flatmates. Any thoughts???

He has a cold atm (man flu) that may account for him not wanting to go out with me and for his early bath and bed. But why doesn't he just say 'i'm not feeling well' instead of leaving me to second guess his behaviour. I know I take things to personally, but when I feel insecure, this is one of my negative traits I have. I know if i started to do my own things then he will as well and then we'll be living seperate lifes but co-habiting.......I don't want that, he's the one creating all the mystery and doing 180's. It's like revised pyshcology.

Grace I love to walk too, I walk to work and back again and I do most of thinking then. As for knowing what I want from my life, thats a tough one, I've never really known. I got into an early marriage, had kids in my early 20s, divorce, straight into this R, more kids, 2 jobs, it doesn't leave much time for thinking and making plans for the future. I'm not that highly motivatd i'm afraid. All my energies have gone into building the business up and my demanding job ( istay b/c my boss although v. demanding is extremely flexible with me time, he allow me to work 7 - 3pm, so that I can pick up s's from school)

I am enjoying venting on here, its becoming addictive and an inspiration!

I'm off to the gym in a bit, I hope it makes me feel a whole lot better and mayv=be help to stop me saying something i'll regret later.

Have a great day.

XD

[Evie]

is everybody ok?

I feel a lot better today. I think to much happened last week which put me into panic mode.

Had a busy weekend with family staying over and I had to work as well. H decided to take the afternoon off work yesterday. I usually have something cooking in the slo cooker, but didn't have time to prepare, so i was really pleased when H cooked a late lunch for us.

Went to the gym twice over the weekend, which has helped me to calm down & feel positive again.

I wrote a letter to H yesterday, telling him it wasn't working for me living as friends and what my needs were. I was in doubt whether to give it to him and in the end ripped it up. I have started to distance again and I must learn to put my expectations to zero. I don't know if H backed off b/c we had such a great w/e the previous w/e.

I have started to read DR again. I want to look at goals for the R. I'm finding it hard to read the positives so far as i'm generally quite negative (working on this), but I was feeling quite better about myself. I guess I panicked last week with H's withdrawal behavour and my negative thoughts, downward spiral I guess and I know I can't rely on H for my own happiness.

Hope you all have a good day.

XD

[Grace_O]

Glad you ripped the letter up. I know you aren't happy living this way, it isn't what you want. I also understand that they aren't really even being friends and they keep everything to themselves. This is hard. Honestly, the hardest thing I've ever done.

Right now, most of my goals are about me. The exceptions being having nice convos with H. I've been pretty good about this. Really though, it's about where I am, where I want to be and how the hell do I get there from here.

Glad you went to the gym, that's always helpful. The other thing that's helpful is to work at taking nothing personally. This isn't about you.

Check out Kansha's thread, it's got some really good stuff I think you could benefit from.

[Evie]

Grace

Thank you for your support, i know everything you say is so true, but honestly I don't want to carry on like this.

doesn't H need to know that I can't live as friends?

If he wasn't at work tonight, i would be so tempted to tell him. I know if i gave an ultimatium tonight he would go and right now I want him out, I cannot and don't want to do this anymore. Friends and family say he is a w***er and they've all experienecd it at some point or another in their marriages. BUT they all have supportive H's who do talk and understand it's normal and that it will pass and are prepared to work through it. I'm struggling to see how you can move from living as friends to something more?

Thankyou for listening. How is your sitch?

XD

[Evie]

Update - H has been making lots of arrangements to go out without me, he has been totally detached and distant, but in another way it seems and if he had lifted his head from under the sand and still wanted to be free of me & the M.

H wouldn't come out for a drink with me when I asked. I needed to talk and our house is always like a railway station at peak time

I know you guys won't agree and I have probably done the wrong thing but here is what happened last night.

H agreed to meet me for a sauna at the gym after my yoga class.

In gym and after lots of small talk later I asked him why he was avoiding going out with me. His reply was 'well it's not working is it, you asked me to stay in the house and live as friends, which I am doing, we get on great talking about work and the kids, but there is nothing left'. I said the last thing he said to me about the R was that he was looking for somewhere to live and that it wouldn't work living as friends. I reminded him that was 2 months ago and I didn't know why he was in the house as he had never said anything, that I wasn't a mind reader

I then said I wasn't happy living as friends, but I was pre-pared to go to counselling or do whatever it took to re-connect and that we had to start somewhere and we had to learn to commuicate. I said I wasn't a mind reader and that his lack of even trying to communicate showed a lack of respect for me. He said he was only staying in the house b/c he couldn't afford to move out. I said money was not a reason to stay and that unless he wanted to work on the M, i wanted him out by Saturday. I then left him at the gym, not expecting him to come back at all. He must have gone to his cave b/c he came back 2 hours later.

H has emailed me about our kitten this morning, i was tempted to delete it, but I replied.

So i've blown all the DB rules out of the window and I can't go back on what I said either. I am pre-pared to go through with this, I know it won't change his mind.

I'm sorry, I feel as if I have let you all down. You guys are my lifeline. However all family and friends were not as supportive, you can probably guess what they've all been saying.

Your Thoughts are more than welcome and feel free to rant at me.

XD

[Evie]

D Day.......H is moving out today.

H got up and asked me what my plans are for today and was talking to me as normal, like it was a normal day??????. What is wrong with him?? This is what HE wants!!

It's going to be a long day, I plan to try and be busy for most of it while he is packing and moving out, then I'll come back and do housework, cook tea and watch tv tonight.

Wish me luck

XD

[Upside]

Hi Dis-
I am so, so sorry for what you have to deal with today. Here's a big (((((((((HUG))))))))) for you. From your post, you sound like you are handling things pretty well. Hang in there and know that things will get better.

Lots of luck.

<3
Upside

[Evie]

Thanks upside down.

Its been a long day... H sat down with D's (I wasn't there)and explained he was moving out and why.

I feel as if I am handling it ok, I feel empowered by the fact that I have asked him to leave, rather than it be his choice to go. Hasn't stop me having a wobbly just and having a huge cry.

He said to D's that he has worked so hard and put in so many hours also the pressure from buying the property abroad that the pressure from it all has clouded his judgement and he has lost sight of what was important to him. He told them he loved me but not as a husband should love his wife. He cried while he told them this (very rare emotion for him, so important to mention).

He has just called to speak to s's, we spoke for a bit, I felt he was waffling, he sounded very tired and I guess he his feeling an emotional wreck. He is coming round tomorrow evening and sitting the boys down and telling them.

I don't think now that there is any hope of his coming home now. I had to do the dirty job, he was to spineless to do it, but it's what he wanted and i'm sure once the dust settles he will adapt and be happy that he has left.

XD