There and Back, #8

[nephartiti]

Good morning, Morgan.

I have been thinking about your sitch all night. I woke up thinking about your sitch...

It is good that he apologized and is showing remorse. That confirms that he was just spewing. However, that does not change the fact that he messed with joint assets without discussing it with you first. Regardless of his intentions, he crossed a line there because you were not included in the decision.

Morgan, I'm going to give my two cents, but remember, it is only that. You have to make your own decisions on how you proceed. This is your life and your family.

Here's what I think. I think he has been cake eating (rather apple pie eating) in a sense. He is able to make himself cozy at the house, stays with OW while you take care of the kids, and goes to Mom's when he has the kids for the weekend (where she caters to him too). I think it's time to take Morgan off the list of care takers. Morgan is off limits as a shoulder, as a meal, as a romp in the hay, at least for now (until after your anniversary for starters).

I believe your friend wanted the abusive language paragraph because what happened was abusive without a doubt. He came in there without warning and beat you into an emotional bloody pulp. Not OK by any means.

I think your idea about only e-mail contact is a good one. Stick to it. If he wants to have another "talk" he needs to make an appointment (via e-mail) and provide a written outline as to what will be discussed. This gives you time to prepare. In addition, all requests made from yesterday, should also be put in writing. Cover your bases legally just in case.

I get the feeling that he expects to call all the shots here.
1. He's already made changes to your assets
2. He's already made plans to make further changes.
3. He told you he will be more "generous" if you arbitrate, as if it is up to him. I think this translates into, "I can take advantage of you if you arbitrate because I know how to appeal to your soft heart and there will be no one in your corner to tell you what you are entitled to." He did not say, "we do not need lawyers. We can handle this amicably. We both want to do what's best for the family."

I think you need to gather all your strength and brace yourself for whatever comes next. Remember, even D is not final. It is a minimum 6 month process. Even after, people get remarried. It is time to really let OW handle all his needs.

LRT. Total darkness for Morgan. Set your boundaries and stay firm. Only e-mail contact unless you agree in advance to something else. Have the food put away before he gets there. Act as if everything is great, you are great, but do not include him in your happiness. Don't be bitchy about it, just be firm. This is to protect you. It takes grace to set a boundary without getting "nasty", but it is possible. You are no longer there for him. You are taking care of Morgan and Morgan's children.

What do you have to lose at this point? (He's already going in that direction. He seems to be all money business right now. When he says he does not want a D, it is not for the same reasons you do not want it. I'm sorry, but I think he is thinking a D will ruin him financially.) What do you have to gain? (Your independence, autonomy, and sanity.)

You may want to consider finding a lawyer and talking about your rights at this point. Don't let yourself be taken by surprise again. I am so proud of you for standing your ground on the retirement. Stay calm, stay cool. You don't have to agree to anything. Even in person, you can say you will think about it and get back to him. You can still say "I am sure you will do what's best for the family" to help keep him in that mindset." You do not have to "disagree" with anything he puts out there. Just be clear that you need to think about it and will get back to him. This is easier if you have something in writing to look at so that there are no misinterpretations of what is being proposed.

Take care, Morgan. You are in a tough spot, but you will get through this.


Now for some Tori

"Come on, Baby
I'm much stronger than you know
Sometimes I'm not afraid to let it show

When will you wake up
I want you more than the stars and the sun
But I can take only so much
Cool on your island
Is it cool on your island?" (Cool on your Island)