I have resisted commenting for awhile but I have to wonder how much of Karen's comments and answers you have really listened to. PLEASE note that she has been here since 2004 and the recent backing off of initiation is a NEW thing for her to try (a 180 if you will). I also wrote to her earlier this year with lots of ideas for improvements only to find that she had tried many of them already. Of course there is always room for improvement but I think Karen's situation may be beyond DBing technique and needs serious counseling. (This does not mean that DBing is harmful or useless for her sitch because I believe that it can still be useful. It does mean that I do not think it will solve the issue or cause her H to want to solve the issue.)
Here's what we know as fact:
If karen does nothing, she will get no sex. This is the only proven fact that we have in the matter at this point.
What is also FACT is that by insisting on going to a counselor regarding their sex life, initiating often, following the Love Languages model, writing him e-mail to specifically state her issues, asking for scheduled sex, etc. have also not worked either (using your definition of "working" i.e. getting PT). Her H does not seem confused about the issue that she wants more sex and physical contact. He also (Karen please correct me if I have remembered this wrongly) specifically told her before that if she would just back off and not pressure him that sex would happen more easily for him.
Therefore, we know "doing nothing" is something that "doesnt work".
No necessarily true but it depends on what Karen's purpose was. I will need Karen's opinion here because I believe that it has worked. What I think Karen wanted to accomplish with backing off and not initiating sex: 1) take some pressure and responsibility off of herself, 2) see if he really would step up to the plate as HE said that he would, and 3) just plain see what would happen and learn from it. So IF that was her purpose, I think it did work for her and she did learn something. Yes it did not turn out that he initiated sex but again I am not sure that was the overall purpose for her although it would have been a very welcome result.
What is a bigger issue, is "what would make him CARE, that his wife is being neglected ,and actually DO something about it?"
I agree that this IS the issue (Why will he not do something about his wife's need for PT when he does care for her (from karen's prior posts it seems clear that she does believe that he loves and cares for her)?) and it seems to me that this is exactly what Karen is trying to figure out. On one hand she does feel like he loves and cares for her in some ways but on the other hand he steadfastly refuses to do what she has clearly stated is important to her. THIS is what makes me, Karen and others here wonder if there is some significant sexual issue her H is wrestling with. And if it is significant (i.e. homosexuality, significant ED issues,or whatever), then constant pressuring may not improve the situation AND may cause their marriage to fall apart if the "secret" is such that he feels backed into a corner.
Karen,
My opinion, FWIW, is that you should take advantage of the backing off you have done and get to a sex therapist sooner than later. You have now "proven" to him that you can and will back off (as HE requested, right?) and that it does not cause the increase in his sexual initiation that he had stated/implied before. Also by not initiating you have reduced his stress level, which, supposing there is some deep dark secret, should ease his fear in talking about his and your issues. I believe that you are open to changing your approach; I just think you want to actually KNOW what you should change to and your H is really the only source for that information. Otherwise you'll just continue to throw darts and hope something sticks!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
