Thanks. The OW is the bit that fits for now, and the bit that, if it fails to fit, wil get them searching for what they do want. As long as the OP fits enough, [whatever that is] they will go on being OK. Of course in some cases the OP gets fed up and wanders off, too.
Can I just add my 2 cents worth, what happens when our x's go off and get married to the ow then, my ex went off and married his ow in 14 months, having snooped on his business details I can see she was using xh's name only 7 months after meeting him, he doesn't talk or see his only child at all, hasn't for 6 months, so how is she a bandaid, she has robbed my son of everything and they are even throwing us out of what was our home, I don't believe it is all because he is confused and bewildered because of mlc, he must be aware of some of what he is doing and she is the most opposite of the women that he likes, but she must play hell of a part in his life. just wish she'd wonder off.
Mandyloo - I don't think that they are necessarily just bandaids. In fact I think I said ust that. other people think they are, but I think there is more to it than that. this is partly what this thread is about.
And some of the relationships last, possibly because they provide a better fit with what our WAS need, not only in the short but inthe longer term. It hurts, but there it is.
I don't know whether your XH behaviour represents a real change or whether he had a pattern of behaving like this when stressed. Clearly he currently isn't a very nice person, and I am sorry for that.
I didn't realise that husbands could evict their former families or fail to make proper provision for them either in the US or UK, but I am probably very naive.
I am sorry I can't be more comforting . . . none of us know how it will ultimately work out, but I would imagine that you wouldn't want this person back after all he has done?
Angelica, no I don't think I could have this person back now, not just for what he as done to me but mostly because of what he as done to my son, ie taking everything from him that he was used to and indeed to a point he as taken his childhood from him. It is all going through the courts as to whether he can get us out or not, but we actually want to go now and get on with our lives in a nice new place we can call home. The thing that really gets me about his now new wife, is how can she sit back and watch him have no contact with his only child, how can she sit back and watch him send no support financially for his son, if I were a ow I would support and push for the other half to keep up a relationship with his offspring, but this is all her doing because son won't see her, I have to say xh is really really the opposite of what he was and indeed he wouldn't have let me stop him seeing his son etc, she must have a very strong hold on him, and then I suppose if she is an addiction it must be very hard to go against them just in case they pull the addiction away, I dunno.
Sorry he has changed so much - and yes, I feel that the OW should try and encourage responsible behavour in their new partner. That they don't is their problem ultimately, but ours in the short term!
this is an interesting subject...bottom line I think the OP is a bandaid of sorts...and a drug of choice...sought out to make the MLC feel good...sometimes the bandaid sticks...sometimes it falls off...
Lin
i think this says alot
I think they all have to have some damage to carry on guilt free with a married spouse....esp after it goes on more than a year and said spouse is not D'd or in many cases doesnt even have a D on the plate.
My H too had a OW 1/2 his age. But I choose to believe she was not a nice person. I believe to this day she was looking for a mealticket. No morals no qualms about going after a married man while married herself...using the abuse story.
She set my H up to deck her H and move her out. Then told her H Im leaving you for XX, he can give me more! had her D in 2 months. She lived in town with My H and showed no guilt about it. After playing the victim and saying all the right things to swoop a dead man walking off his feet. Yes my H is responsible for this, but thats what I feel he was at that time. Ripe for the picking. She was nothing less than a predator.
then she she became controlling, possessive, demanding...and nasty. when they had lived together, her true colors showed. it became smothering to H, he couldnt do anything w/o the 10th degree. she called to check up on him. if he wasnt home at a certain time she ripped into him. If he didnt meet her at the door, she ripped into him. my friend was privy to one of those explosions when talking to H on the phone. She said it was the vilest thing shed ever heard.
I learned this from warren and my friend. She hated Warren as H began to spend time with him. She went ballistic over any contact with me. she must have sensed she was in a loosing battle towards spring as she became very insecure. The calmer I became the more he gravitated to me.....the worse she got.
up in the resources their is a thread about OW that hits it on the nail pretty good.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Thanks. The OW is the bit that fits for now, and the bit that, if it fails to fit, wil get them searching for what they do want. As long as the OP fits enough, [whatever that is] they will go on being OK. Of course in some cases the OP gets fed up and wanders off, too.
A
I have been watchin this thread........just to get a glimpse of how others perceive the OP.
Yes, they are band-aide.
BUT.....if your spouse is TRULY in a MLC or change of life...then I think this might fit. If your spouse has just truly had enough....there is a difference. WAS or MLC'ing spouse.
I shall say my XH was both. He is still showing sign of true MLC....hence the now it's ok to date since we are divorced. Hence the not in a hurry to sale our home. The list goes on.....
But...our marriage was not perfect, neither am I, nor was he. Unfortunatly he has all the family here and he used to tell them if I complained that he did not take out the gargabe, therefore....I became a "unworthy wife". I can go into details how he HELPED everyone with everything except when it came to his own home. But that is not important now. There are sign, sometimes there area HUGE signs saying HELLO...something is wrong here..I did not see it until it was too late. Thus, the growing process. Then we start to change ourselves, we look at how we were as a spouse, friend, coworker & inlaw...we see our faults and recognize them. For some reason they stay in the "It's too late to change" cycle.
Now......here comes the OP. OP Other person.....this person does not know OUR family history, nor our closeness or dreams. They only hear what they are told. If you think your spouse lies to YOU......hmmmm. What do you think they are telling the OP?? Of course they will speak of how misunderstood they were or how unfairly they were treated or even that they were "used". OMG! Hey...we've all been an OP in one way or the other.....as a friend or even as a person whom is getting their hair done and listens to the other patrons of the shop. Our opinons are based on what WE HEAR. We tend ot base our opinions on what we hear, not what we KNOW.
So yes.....the OP plays a significant part. A huge part. As a LBS how can you compete with someone whom is there sugar coating everything that your spouse says? They hear what they want to hear and believe what they are told.
I hold no empathy for a OP. Period. I have told my xh on several occasions now that we are divorced THAT HE needs to spend time alone. Without oustide interferance as it only clouds his judgement. To this day.....everything that I have told him would happen....has happened. He is not a bad man.....he is more of the kind that seeks empathy. He is always the "victim". He only needs to hear.....It's ok, you wlll be fine once you are away. Guess what? He is not OK. He's far from it.
I, on the other hand am learning how to be OK. If I cannot love me, or who I am or what I stand for. Then I will never be able to cope with another relationsiop. To some, this has been a blessing in disguise........you just need to LOOK for the POSITIVE.
Eeeeesh......OP or no OP, I will be fine. But will they? Now that is the million dollar question!
Much love to all
Jeanette
PS....I again told him the xh that I would not be the OW to the OW.....this is always met with hostility. Hmmm, why is that?
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Just wondering....and maybe some along with me....
Why is it that if the op is more of a bandaid, that some of our spouses, do not lead the happy life that they so thought they would lead ? Why is it that some still look miserable and suffer with health problems....
just wondering ....
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Just wondering....and maybe some along with me....
Why is it that if the op is more of a bandaid, that some of our spouses, do not lead the happy life that they so thought they would lead ? Why is it that some still look miserable and suffer with health problems....
What good is a bandaid if the person really needs antibiotics? IF the MLCer has some serious unresolved emotional issues, a bandaid R does nothing but distract the MLCer from the issues...eventually they resurface and the MLCer still feels bad, lost, abandoned, whatever. JMO, of course!
H OW is getting on H nerves too just like yours she is showing signs of insecurity esp when H is around me (its no wonder we are still having sex, which I know I prolly need to stop). I have a question how long before your got tired of her clinginess & finally broke free?
