Back from camping today, and here's a brief rundown of the highlights:
Night 2: H shows up around midnight, while I'm trying to comfort 4-year-old who's screaming. Child finally calms down, we're all bedded down and quiet. Child sits up and tosses cookies (literally---handfuls of them for dessert) all over self, sleeping bag, my sleeping bag, and the mattress pads.
H says, "Where are the towels?" I direct him to my bag and he pulls them out ... along with my copy of Homer---big fat "Stop Your Divorce!"---which falls face up on the floor of the tent.
H takes sleeping bags, etc, into the shower and cleans them; I clean up child. Child and I snuggle into H's bag, H says he's sleeping in the car.
Next day H is sicker than ever (he's had something for a while) and spends the next couple days alternately sleeping and playing with the kids (far away from me). When I ask how he's feeling he responds with things like, "The same. I'm not complaining" and "Achy and feverish."
Our conversations are limited to H complaining about work (and me listening, asking questions) and listing camping supplies "we" need to get.
H is again not wearing his ring.
H stays on his own, away from the group (there were about 70 of us), for the most part, which is typical.
H stays away from my sister, who wants to string him up and can't speak a civil sentence to him.
H doesn't mention my email, there is no R talk.
I had a great time. I organized this trip and felt very confident about myself, talked to a lot of people.
Re how I'm acting around H: I'm feeling very much like I've let go of the fear of letting go. H is done, and I'm seeing so much of his unpleasant side that it's relatively easy to NOT want the M to work. Not sure if this is "detachment," giving up, or not really caring too much anymore (at the moment).
The one potentially negative thing I see here is that I don't feel like I have to be cheery and upbeat all the time around him. I certainly censor what I share with him (re negative feelings about anything) and I don't get angry or anything, but I don't prance around the house all the time. I'm still going out and doing a lot, but it really is for me, and heck, I'm just not up all the time.
...Muuuuch later. H came out and wanted to have an R talk mid-post. Points:
- H says at least four times "I don't want to be married to you." Says this is his starting point, this feeling he has that he can't shake, is unwavering in his conviction.
- When I ask how he explains that feeling to himself, he says there are different types of people, and H, the king of analogies, says a cat person can't become a dog person. Again mentions the fact that I have a "big ball of fear" that affects my reactions to situations. He just doesn't want to be married to my type anymore. I'm wonderful and he can't criticize me, so I shouldn't feel that any of this reflects badly on me. Thanks.
- Re my talk about how I was angry with him, asks me whether I'm angry because I love him deeply, he's my soul mate, and he's leaving or because he's messing up my idea of what my life would look like; says it sounds like the latter.
I say I feel a deep bond with him that's grown over time, that's based on love and respect, I value the commitment that I made to him and he to me, and that I'm sad that that foundation is gone. He says it's not gone for him, though it may be for me, and that he appreciated my use of the word "bond" instead of "connection," because "it's more fitting." I grind my teeth. Vow to never again use the word connection.
- Asks how I see him and what he's doing, what I think's going on. I said I think he's unhappy. He says he's not unhappy, wasn't unhappy in our M, but will be unhappy if he stays in this R. Not sure he'll find happiness, it's scary going out and being alone, but it's what he feels he needs to do.
- Says re him hurting the kids, it's better for them to have a happy papa than an unhappy one. Acknowledges I might see that as selfishness. I wondered if he feels like he's protecting them, in a way, and he says he wouldn't go that far.
- Re the kids, says since we trade off nights and weekend days anyway (which we often do), it's not like their schedule will be too different. If we present his apartment as a "second place," and he comes over in the mornings and evenings to see them, he thinks they shouldn't feel too much impact. We haven't been fighting and screaming at each other, which is where "the real damage begins."
I think "You are utterly deluded as to the effect this will have on them, you *#@$&*#," but bite my tongue. I also think, "So they'll get to deal with papa leaving a happy marriage. Yeah, that'll be much easier to swallow." Don't say that either.
I tell him that despite the scheduling impact, I'm very concerned that they will feel this separation deeply, tell him I've read some stuff, I'm worried that the kids will always carry these effects, that they'll fundamentally question who they are, what their family is, etc. I say this all VERY calmly (but not if-I-had-a-gun-right-now-you'd-be-in-trouble calmly) and unemotionally, very matter of fact.
- H says since I said if he were to bring women here I wouldn't be comfortable with him staying, that we can present it as a mutual decision. Says he feels awkward being out late, feels like he's sneaking into his parents house, wouldn't want to have friends over. I say he's been clear with me, is an adult, and I'm not uncomfortable with his late hours, friends over, etc. Ask him again why he thinks he's uncomfortable, he can't answer. Says, "I guess moving out is my fault then, and I'll get the blame." I say, "I'm not talking about blame." He says when they ask why papa's living somewhere else, I might say "Because he wants to." I tell them I wouldn't say that to them, though perhaps when they're much older if they want to discuss it, I'll be truthful with them.
He says he has to lay down.
First off, I'm proud of myself for biting my tongue so, so many times. I shared my concerns about the kids calmly, briefly, and nonjudgmentally. I didn't ask him to please, please stop coming back to my early statements that we could work on it and explaining why that's impossible after I've responded each time since then with the fact that I understand that that won't work. I didn't confirm any of his leading statements like "You might see this as selfishness" or "You may disagree" even though I would've liked to. I didn't get angry or impatient. I didn't argue. I didn't reach across the table and slap him and my head didn't spin around.
I did think, "You're off to find yourself." I did think I am so very disappointed.
Okay, there must be a word limit here somewhere, and I'm probably close. Feedback? 2x4s? Probing questions? Where am I?
