There and Back, #8

[SallyM]

just off the phone with my friend, the therapist (not my therapist). she was awesome, as usual. made me see just how far backward I was heading, what I was doing and allowing to be done to push me back there.

we talked for a long time. honestly, maybe its best that I go ahead and get the lawyer. but I'm still not sure this is the way to get there, so this is the e-mail I just sent H:

I want to say I am really disappointed with how things went today. both with what you have done and said, and with what how emotional I got. I feel like over the past several months I have made a lot of progress but today it felt like I took several steps back into an old place that I don't want to be in again.

I need you to be understanding that this is a hard month for me. what happened today solidified this for me. probably best that I back away from talking to you as much as possible until after our anniversary. will keep as much stuff to e-mail as possible.

I'll get thru this and I'll be better, but evidently this month is affecting me more than even I thought it would.

I know I said I was going to contact the lawyer but after thinking about it, I don't really want to; its still your card, your play. if you want to call the lawyer, its up to you. If I decide to in the future, it won't be because I am emotional or upset. it will be because I know it is the right thing to do.

m.

my friend wanted me to say a few more things, but I'm wimping out on them a bit. this just sounded right to me. we'll see. wish I had the balls to just end things. but guess I'll be there if that's what is meant to be, it doesn't have to be today. I do worry that wimping out on it will push H further from me. but nothing I can do now, its sent. and if it pushes him further away, likely he would have ended up further away regardless.