I know that you love your H and you can't stand to watch him destroy himself but you can not put yourself or your kids in jeopardy. He needs serious help and you should not go back unless he gets it.
He also needs to let the OW go. I hate to say this but by not setting boundaries with all his As, you have enabled him. I'm not saying this to lay blame but rather that you are allowing him to walk all over you. That is not love because if you loved YOURSELF as much as you love him, you would not allow this to continue.
If your H chooses not to get help and chooses to take his own life, it is still his choice. A selfish one but you need to understand that you are not responsible for his choices. I went through feeling a lot of guilt when my father took his life but I realized that I couldn't go on lying to my then H and taking money out of our line of credit to feed my father's gambling addiction. I owed the bank $40K that I took out for my F without my H knowing. How much longer was this going to continue? As long as I let it. The fact that he chose to take his life, when I finally said, I can't do it anymore, left me feeling responsible until I realized that there was no saving him because he wasn't doing anything to save himself. You can't fix him.
You can continue to be supportive but do it from afar. After he has been going for some time, you do need to tell him that you want to talk to his doctor and that he is welcome to go with you. He needs to include you in his therapy so that he doesn't try to deceive you again. This may sound controlling but hey, this is one time when you need to show him that you will be there for him and with him. You will want to ensure that he takes his meds.
As for sending him a card, I'm not sure that you should until he decides to get help. How can you send him a get well card if he's not doing anything about it?
You can continue to stand for your M from afar until you feel it is safe to go back. He is so manipulative and he knows he can get to your side and he can get his way again. Think about what this is doing to your kids. Would you want your kids to marry someone like your H?
You will be in my prayers for that is all we can do to help your H right now.
Hugs to you, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
