so H and I had a funny time calling back and forth about the halloween costumes. while he was still at target, he called to say the one for D3 was sold out, so I offered to run over to the disney store near me and see if they had something similar. they didn't, but they did have the most stunning snow white gown. just loved it. called H and asked him to ask D3 if she would consider snow white, and she got all excited and wouldn't hear of a different costume than that, so I bought it. omg, she looks so cute I can hardly stand it.
so H was here and all is fine, weird, but fine. the football was getting ready to start when he says he has to talk to me, would i prefer upstairs (bedroom) or downstairs (office). I chose office...need to keep bad memories out of my bedroom.
he started in that he needs to roll his pension from his previous job over into the 401k he has now, but instead of that he has decided he wants to use the money to 1) pay off my car, 2) pay off some credit card debt he has, 3) set him up so he can get his own place, etc, etc. The catch is, i have to sign off on this, he can't just do it.
I was stunned. first, I'm emotional anyway, but I hadn't expected this at all. it was broached in such a manner that divorce is inevitable (not said, but all the plans he had for the money revolved around it), and it just crushed me. I literally started crying and couldn't stop. so much pain just came out of me. he looked soooo disgusted, I noted the difference in us (to him) that when he is in pain, I comfort him, when I am in pain, he ridicules me. nice, huh? should tell me something, shouldn't it?
this got very long...I told him hell no, that was my money, too, that it was for retirement, not for this. he kept saying he'd replace the money, etc, eventually. I'm sorry, I'm not working off of eventually. even if my share is a pittance, I want it. He kept calling it HIS money. my H has never been like that, ever. he wanted me to stay home as much as I wanted it. more, even. he cut me quick, went down and dirty, told me I was worthless, that I had done nothing, that he carried me, called me a fourth child, etc, etc. I was stunned. Hurt and stunned. at one point I mentioned that this was a hard month for me...he cut me off and asked why would this month be hard? trust me, anniversary, not even crossing his mind. I told him that i know we are in different places, but that this is hard for me because of our anniversary. although I also noted that him being a jerk was making it a wee bit easier.
it got worse and worse. then I found out that he had cashed in all our stock from his last job. without telling me. again, our money, meant to stay in stocks until retirement, agreed, upon a long time ago. and trust me, no matter what your thoughts are on SAHMs and such, it is our money in the eyes of the state, too. I was floored. the one thing he has been more than decent about is money, and the fact that he did this was such a betrayal. I don't know if I can ever trust him on anything again.
I am crushed. told him I was getting the lawyer and serving him this week. what is the point of being married? he went on and on again today in how I was a horrible wife to him...he has no good memories. he remembers none of the good, and omg, that hurts so much. I used to see us as such a team, so much in love, and now I think my thoughts on our lives together were all just a farce...just my thinking, not reality.
he was so mad at me for not agreeing with him about the pension stuff. lwb was sweet and talked to me for a long time this afternoon, and tried to convince me that he was just spewing out of anger. but omg, he was so hurtful. made me feel so small. so worthless. he kept punching even when I was down.
I just don't see us working thru this. the reality is, I just can't see us ever getting over this. he said he didn't know if he wanted the lawyers/to be served/ to get divorced, but my god, there is not one positive thing he thinks about our lives together. and now knowing he is thinking of this money as his money, it just makes me sick.
so I need to figure out my life. I need to figure out a career. I need to give our the logistics of arbitration vs his lawyer/my lawyer. he told me he'd be more generous with arbitration. I told that I'd believe it when I see it. if it looks generous, more than I would get thru the regular divorce, then I'll consider it.
so much more was said, but it was long and now is muddled and just so hurtful.
he said stuff about not wanting 3 kids, and wishing he could live his life over again. I said he left his children...he bawled his eyes out at that, saying he'd never abandon them. I told him he hadn't abandoned them, but he did leave them. he did. they are not a daily part of his life anymore. I told him about them crying for him still, and the wishes about daddy coming home. he said how could he come home when he doesn't love me anymore. I told him I didn't think he ever did love me. and listening to him go on about what a horrible wife I was, about how horrible he had it here, makes me realize that was probably true. or else he has re-written history and it is true for him now. no matter.
damn, I'm crying again. not sure any of this is even making sense. I'm just tired, and feel betrayed, and hurt, and its like the wound I had that was starting to heal a little has been punched open.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I would agree with lwb that he is doing a lot of spewing and probably doesn't mean half of it.
Now on the part about finances, I am all against divorce but if he is playing with retirement money, it may be time for you to find a lawyer, at least to protect your assests. Having a lawyer does not mean that a divorce will happen, but it stop the money from disappearing.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
OK the worst part is over. It was a mini bomb, yet another one.
He gave you no choice but to stand up for yourself and you did. How you had a clear mind and remembered your entitlement to retirement is beyond me, but you ARE a brilliant lady. You do not need to get a divorce. This does not mean that you need to get a divorce.
My mother's companion of 20 years did the same thing:cashed in their stocks, sold their boat, bought an expensive condo, tried to make a new life and start over. He is now babysitting at her house with my kids and they are planning a trip to China. It took almost a year but my mom DBed ike crazy. Just like you, well without the tears. You do not need to get a divorce. A legal separation may not even protect you at this point? It will protect me in Cali but I do not know what you have to gain or lose. It is fine to have a back up plan, but my BFF stayed a SAHM even after her divorce. I have two part time jobs but I am with my kids a lot during the time that they really need me! You can do whatever you set your mind to. He has an obligation but if he is experiencing temporary insanity or MLC then yes, listen to 789 and get thee a lawyer. I have yet to do any of that stuff myself.
He seems to still be in Stage 3 of an Affair. 1. Demonizing Spouse 2. Rewriting History 3. Pushing Away (by any means neccessary-money, kids, sex, put downs, abuse) 4. Seeking Approval 5. Restoring Balance
Just because we all rewrite history does not mean that love was not there. That it is still not there. Even after all this hurt we know that love is still there. It just needs to be a choice for the WS.
My brother, the high powered attorney, and my mother ,the business gangster, keep reminding me to act like I am giving him what he wants and he will take less than half. The more we try to keep something the more value we give it and the more they will covet it. Psychology. They say to play nice now and we will end up with more. It only needs to get nasty when lawyers are involved. Just do not let it get nasty.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
One more thing: a mantra from Dr. Kreidman that I really do use in times of a mini bomb.
"I trust that you will do what you think is best for the family."
Practice saying this the next time he want sto corner you with anything in person.
If it is on the phone:
"Let me think about that and then I will get back to you tomorrow. I cannot make a decision right now, but that sounds fine. I trust that you will do what you think is best for the family."
Maybe in his mind getting a place to live is the next step in separation. In your mind/ our mind it feels like another nail in the coffin. How do we see the positive part of that? Really? But like I said, my mom's man moved back and now he stuck with an expensive albatross mortgage in San Francisco!! Maybe he can rent it to my H, kidding. Your H and my H, two peas in a pod.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
he called to say goodnight to the kids and I was wretched to him. my head is pounding and he dared ask if I was okay. I went off a bit...told him I was fine, that I just have to get used to the fact that his version of my life with him was very different than what I experienced. that I will be fine and get over it, but that I'll have to just accept the fact that what I thought I had was a delusion. he asked why I said that, and I quoted him chapter and verse. he tried to say he didn't say certain things, but trust me, he did. I'm not even expanding on them or exaggerating for effect. he said he did have some good times, and I asked point blank what they were...he couldn't come up with anything.
whatever. doesn't matter. as my therapist says, just because he can't remember them/see what they were, doesn't mean they didn't happen. trust me, I know the truth. I now see he had a lot of things bottled up, a lot of things that I had no idea about, but I also know I've changed in a lot of ways, and not one of those ways made me deserve to be treated the way he has treated me.
the one good thing about the state of MA is that we have to show all $ for the last 3 years (I think its 3 years). so no matter what he tries to do, it will show up, and I will get it. the stock money would have shown up, etc.
I'm still just so freaking mad. and hurt. and rejected all over again.
he says his whole goal right now is to make it so I can stay in the house with the kids and so I won't have to get a job. yep, that sounds nice, except I wish his goal was figuring out how to love me again. but as he said himself, that ship has sailed. he doesn't love me anymore. f him.
sorry, bitter/angry/hurt morgan tonight. He actually had the balls to try to bring up the holidays,btw, about how his family has said that he did too much/jumped up too much. is he kidding me? his family joined us for every single holiday except for one since we were married, and I welcomed them with opened arms and a freaking display martha stewart would be proud of. and he has the balls to say he jumped up to help too much? um, as I recall, he did some, but mostly sat around drinking wine. oh yeah, he made the coffee. and occasionally helped clear.
I want to beat him to a bloody pulp.
is that wrong?
mk, going to try to remember the words of wisdom to play nice and end up better off in the end. but omg, that is going to be hard. the stuff he said tonight...the lack of acknowledgement of anything I have done for this family makes me ill.
the question now is, do I have the balls to follow thru and call the lawyer and have him served this week?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
He has to act like that or else he would jump off a cliff. Not a nice alternative. That look he gave you: guilt. That history: rewritten from his current mindset. His attitude: MLC blame. It just sucks that you already kmnow that. I am so sorry, again. Remember that apathy is worse than anger. You have just got a shock of both in one 24 hour period. It is a phase and it will pass.
The in laws. That makes me barf. I know mine have meddled too. They just did not know this would be the outcome and they feel ashamed that they tried to put me in my lady like place. Damn them. Butt out if you are not supporting reconciliation. Butt out.
If my son ever treated a woman like this, I would slap him silly, I would.
My brother knows if he ever stepped out of line with my SIL I would side with her in a heartbeat, blood or not. be a man.
Last edited by mkultra; 10/07/0711:50 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I want to throw up . I just called and went off on him, asked him if he wanted to be served or if we could try arbitration first.
he's pissy and mad and i pushed and I hammered until he agreed to send me dates that would work for him and arbitration.
my head is pounding.
I just pushed and goaded him into agreeing. I hammered at him, trying to make him hurt like I do. all of this is wrong, wrong, wrong to do, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. but maybe by finally ending this all, I'll be able to be happy again.
btw, mk, my inlaws never said anything like that. I know my inlaws, they never did. they love everything I did on the holidays. I've heard them talking when I wasn't in the room, trust me, they may have noticed he stepped up here and there, but they never did what he said they did.
Last edited by morgan; 10/08/0712:15 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
