There and Back, #8

[SallyM]

hey all.

so H and I had a funny time calling back and forth about the halloween costumes. while he was still at target, he called to say the one for D3 was sold out, so I offered to run over to the disney store near me and see if they had something similar. they didn't, but they did have the most stunning snow white gown. just loved it. called H and asked him to ask D3 if she would consider snow white, and she got all excited and wouldn't hear of a different costume than that, so I bought it. omg, she looks so cute I can hardly stand it.

so H was here and all is fine, weird, but fine. the football was getting ready to start when he says he has to talk to me, would i prefer upstairs (bedroom) or downstairs (office). I chose office...need to keep bad memories out of my bedroom.

he started in that he needs to roll his pension from his previous job over into the 401k he has now, but instead of that he has decided he wants to use the money to 1) pay off my car, 2) pay off some credit card debt he has, 3) set him up so he can get his own place, etc, etc. The catch is, i have to sign off on this, he can't just do it.

I was stunned. first, I'm emotional anyway, but I hadn't expected this at all. it was broached in such a manner that divorce is inevitable (not said, but all the plans he had for the money revolved around it), and it just crushed me. I literally started crying and couldn't stop. so much pain just came out of me. he looked soooo disgusted, I noted the difference in us (to him) that when he is in pain, I comfort him, when I am in pain, he ridicules me. nice, huh? should tell me something, shouldn't it?

this got very long...I told him hell no, that was my money, too, that it was for retirement, not for this. he kept saying he'd replace the money, etc, eventually. I'm sorry, I'm not working off of eventually. even if my share is a pittance, I want it. He kept calling it HIS money. my H has never been like that, ever. he wanted me to stay home as much as I wanted it. more, even. he cut me quick, went down and dirty, told me I was worthless, that I had done nothing, that he carried me, called me a fourth child, etc, etc. I was stunned. Hurt and stunned. at one point I mentioned that this was a hard month for me...he cut me off and asked why would this month be hard? trust me, anniversary, not even crossing his mind. I told him that i know we are in different places, but that this is hard for me because of our anniversary. although I also noted that him being a jerk was making it a wee bit easier.

it got worse and worse. then I found out that he had cashed in all our stock from his last job. without telling me. again, our money, meant to stay in stocks until retirement, agreed, upon a long time ago. and trust me, no matter what your thoughts are on SAHMs and such, it is our money in the eyes of the state, too. I was floored. the one thing he has been more than decent about is money, and the fact that he did this was such a betrayal. I don't know if I can ever trust him on anything again.

I am crushed. told him I was getting the lawyer and serving him this week. what is the point of being married? he went on and on again today in how I was a horrible wife to him...he has no good memories. he remembers none of the good, and omg, that hurts so much. I used to see us as such a team, so much in love, and now I think my thoughts on our lives together were all just a farce...just my thinking, not reality.

he was so mad at me for not agreeing with him about the pension stuff. lwb was sweet and talked to me for a long time this afternoon, and tried to convince me that he was just spewing out of anger. but omg, he was so hurtful. made me feel so small. so worthless. he kept punching even when I was down.

I just don't see us working thru this. the reality is, I just can't see us ever getting over this. he said he didn't know if he wanted the lawyers/to be served/ to get divorced, but my god, there is not one positive thing he thinks about our lives together. and now knowing he is thinking of this money as his money, it just makes me sick.

so I need to figure out my life. I need to figure out a career. I need to give our the logistics of arbitration vs his lawyer/my lawyer. he told me he'd be more generous with arbitration. I told that I'd believe it when I see it. if it looks generous, more than I would get thru the regular divorce, then I'll consider it.

so much more was said, but it was long and now is muddled and just so hurtful.

he said stuff about not wanting 3 kids, and wishing he could live his life over again. I said he left his children...he bawled his eyes out at that, saying he'd never abandon them. I told him he hadn't abandoned them, but he did leave them. he did. they are not a daily part of his life anymore. I told him about them crying for him still, and the wishes about daddy coming home. he said how could he come home when he doesn't love me anymore. I told him I didn't think he ever did love me. and listening to him go on about what a horrible wife I was, about how horrible he had it here, makes me realize that was probably true. or else he has re-written history and it is true for him now. no matter.

damn, I'm crying again. not sure any of this is even making sense. I'm just tired, and feel betrayed, and hurt, and its like the wound I had that was starting to heal a little has been punched open.