The role of the OP in MLC

[ACJ]

When my H first told me that he definately wasn't coming back he then went back to BILs (where he was staying at the time) and apparently had a major melt down. BIL told him at the time that if what he was doing was what he really wanted this was how it was going to be from now on. He should know he has been there with both of his wives (although fortunately he seems to be reformed character now and certainly doesn't condone Hs behaviour).

Unbeknown to any of us H had already met current OW by this time and when H talked to BIL about them moving in together, getting engaged etc (bearing in mind this was probably less than 6 months after he left me) BIL told him that he should be playing the field and not settling down. SIL told me that H said he had already been doing that and that OW was 'the one'.

So it does seem that some of them at least are on the look out for what they consider to be the right person. My H wrote our 3 kids a letter in April 06 telling them how much he loved OW and how she meant so much more to him than I ever had and that he hoped they would find that kind of love one day. In the same letter he also alluded to the fact that he had given them everything for the last 16yrs but now it was his turn (at the time my youngest D was 10!).

I'm not aware of any childhood issues for my H but he did take it very hard when his dad died of cancer literally one year after got M (8 days afer our 1st anniversary). He became a different man overnight and I do believe he has been struggling with this for the past 18 yrs. My MIL never shows any emotion over anything. When her H died she told everyone else that they weren't allowed to cry! Interestingly only today I had a convo with her sister about how MIL has always been like this and yet the other 3 sisters and a brother all knew how to stand up for themselves irrespective of whether it caused conflict or not. So as I see it H will think MIL is condoning his current behaviour b/c she doesn't have it in her to confront him and still continues to visit him and OW just as frequently as she did us. She did the exact same thing when BIL Dd his first wife.

My heart will always belong to my H and I will be prepared to work on our M until my last breath BUT I am under no illusion that H will ever come home. He does truely believe he has found his soul mate in this woman who is nearly half his age. I can't compete with that and to be honest I don't want to. I am better than that (it has taken me nearly 2yrs to be able to say that).

Just a few minutes ago I was having a convo with D17 who has been away for the weekend to visit her BF. I was telling her all that had gone on in her absence. At one point I told her that it looks like H will try to make out I am mentally unstable in order to get his D and she simply responded with if I had been there mum I would've told him that he is the one who is loopy not you!

This is a sad, sad illness but unlike most illness not one the LBS can help thier spouses through. Some thankfully recover and go on to discover a better M with their H/W. For others, like mine, it is a terminal illness only made harder on them and us b/c it doesn't actually kill them.