Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[ediemarie]

((((Amy)))) I had no idea all that you were going through! I looked for you a few times on here but didn't find you. Thanks so much for stopping by my thread.

Sweetie you have been through so much lately! I am so sorry things are going this way for you.

You did fantastic at physically moving away from the situation. You HAVE to move away from it emotionally (as much as you can), spiritually and mentally. I know how difficult it is to free the man you love, but it may be the only way that he will come back.

Your H is a very ill person. Due to his illness he is poisoning you and your children. You MUST stand in the gap for your kids. They need to see health. They need to see wellness. They need to see and feel love. You are the only one that can provide them with that, right now. I don't know if your H will ever pull himself together. But you cannot be apart of the problem or the solution. This is his deal. His pain. His hurt. His illness.

In the last few weeks you have told him repeatedly that you are not going to contact him, speak to him, stand for any of this. So stop. Don't. Do what you say you are going to do. You have to let him feel rage, let him be with OW, let him live his life without his kids and with his parents. You have the best part of your life with him - your children. They need the best part of your marriage - you.

Amy, I'm not telling you anything new. This is the same stuff you were going through over the summer. Don't let yourself be controlled by him. You are responsible for you and your actions, just as he is for his. You are both adults and can only control yourselves.

Go open a bank account in your name only. Get a job. Join a church. Make some friends. Speak to your mother about how you feel disappointed and hurt that she took your photos out of the house, but understand at the same time that she loves you,cares for you, and doesn't want to see the pain you are going through. Leave it there. Don't ask her to put them back, accept that she loves you and this is the manner in which she is showing it. Read a book - a fun one. Write a list of dreams (not necessarily goals - dreams for your life and don't include H.) Find a new hobby. Go to the library. Put down roots in your community for the sake of your children. Sign them up for a sport or after school club so they can make friends quickly. Begin living a healthy lifestyle. Plan Halloween customes for and with your kids, give them something to look forward to and live for. Take them pumpkin picking, apple picking, plan a special time just for all of you to regroup.

Amy, you have to pull yourself together. A note about the counselor: I had a similar experience with a Christian marriage counselor - she advised me right away to separate from my H. I wasn't in any state to do so, and I didn't. I kind of kick myself now. I think if he had seen how serious I was about him stopping his behavior, we may be in a different place than we are now. I'll never know if that's true, but the counselor I saw, saw something in me that I couldn't. She saw that my H was poisoning me mentally. Your counselor's main focus is to get you healthy. A healthy marriage will come after that. If you aren't comfortable filing for divorce, don't. But do the other things on your list that you are comfortable with. When you see her again, express that you weren't ready to make that step yet, but you did the other stuff....

(((((AMY)))) Hang in there. You have made great strides.

Please don't take my words harshly. They aren't intended to hurt. I just feel for you and can see that you CAN pull yourself and your kids out of this mess. You have the power to make some changes. You know what to do.

I'll check on you again in a little while.

EM